HonaloochieB

Niger

Imagination - Belouis Some

In case you're wondering it was indeed The Pet Shop Boys 'Opportunities'.

I will be going to the O2 but I'm not sure about the wisdom of them playing there. I've never been to the place because I don't like it, but the promoter is either a Mott fan who is letting his heart rule his head or dreamed up the offer after a few days on the lash. When they did five nights at Hammersmith Odeon in ought 9 they didn't sell out the last two nights and that was with repeat ofenders like me who went every night, so I can't see them getting anywhere near the numbers required to fill a hangar like the O2. Still I've got tickets for Glasgow and Newcastle as well so happy days.

I was stooging aimlessly about the manor recently when up ahead of me I noticed a mother and child engaged in a spat. The child was staring mutinously at the pavement while the mother was fairly giving him chapter and verse on some transgression or other. Unbidden the opening bars of Tom Petty's I Won't Back Down came into my head, I chuckled at the appropriateness of the internal soundtrack. Imagine my astonishment as I drew alongside them and the boy slowly raised his head fixed his parent with a baleful gaze and said 'Mummy you can stand me up at the gates of Hell, but I won't go back down to school, forgotten reading book or not'. Well I carried on sauntering but but with a renewed bout of chuckling ( the pair heard me and paused in their showdown, I like to think I brought about a truce but I didn't hang about to see) while marvelling at the coincidence of it all. Later on I popped into a local and after several pints of premium lager and a brace or so of vera and phils I took to musing on the incident. I judged I had been too hasty in my conclusion of crude coincidence and that surely this was more. So much more. I realised this was a power, a gift if you like, possibly a very low level super-power that I should use for good. My good. This is where I am seeking the help of the good burghers of the EDF. What I'd like you to do is to give me details of any incident that has occured in your presence, I will lay my hands on your post and tell you the song that was going through your head at the time. It's an oppotunity to get in on the ground floor of what could be an exciting business opportunity in the world of hoodoo and superstition. Just to be clear there is no payment for any contributions, think of it as being for the greater good. Of me. Anyway try and do your best as I'll probably be 'Denning' this at some point. I was thinkin a 100K for 15% of the company. The money would in part go towards some hand-tooled pillar-box red brogues, a couple of bespoke ostrich skin frock coats and a part-time henchman. Oh and setting up training sessions for people who want to start up by themselves in the pyschic tune-divining business. I'll mug up a bit on Scientology and roughly base the programme on that, I mean that old mutha Hubbard made an absolute mint on his diuretics so there's obviously a market for just this sort of lark. I reckon that woman in the Den who resembles the late Lux Interior would be willing to pony up the scratch. Don't ask me why, just a feeling. So get on board with me on this one and I'll make sure Duncan B and Pasty-faced Pete get to hear all about the EDF Thanks.

Don't Throw Your Love Away - The Searchers

You Take Me Up - The Thompson Twins The End - The Doors All Night Long - Rainbow

Don't Be Cruel - Elvis Presley

Promises - Buzzcocks

Monday Monday - Petula Clarke

Manic Monday - The Bangles

Hear that Rocca? Two weeks to shape up. Now get down and give me twenty.

Blue Monday - New Order

Pick Up The Pieces - Average White Band Living For Your Love - Big Fun Birdhouse In Your Soul - They Might Be Giants

Assimilate - Skinny Puppy Whiskey In The Jar - Thin Lizzy Rose Marie - Slim Whitman

Of course Python got there first. Praline (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? Milton I am. Praline Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad.We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment. Milton Ah, yes. Praline (producing box of chocolate) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. Milton Agreed. Praline Next we have number four, 'Crunchy Frog'. Milton An, yes. Praline Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? Milton Yes. A little one. Praline What sort of frog? Milton A dead frog. Praline Is it cooked? Milton No. Praline What, a raw frog? Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy. Milton We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose. Praline That's as may be, but it's still a frog! Milton What else? Praline Well don't you even take the bones out? Milton If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it? Praline Superintendent Parrot ate one of those. Parrot Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly) Praline Well, the Superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some sort of mock frog. Milton (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind! Praline Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend, 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog' if you want to avoid prosecution. Milton What about our sales? Praline I'm not interested in your sales! I have to protect the general public! Now what about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five Ram's Bladder Cup. (exit superintendent) What sort of confection is this? Milton We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit. Praline Larks vomit? Milton Correct. Praline Well it don't say nothing about that here. Milton Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate. Praline (looking) Wel I hardly think this is good enough. I think it's be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning lark's vomit. Milton Our sales would plummet! Praline Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavor, I'm lead to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits) anthrax ripple! What's this one: 'spring surprise'? Milton Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks. Praline Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. Milton (getting up from the desk and being led away) It's a fair cop. Praline Stop talking to the camera. Milton I'm sorry.

Son Of A Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield

London Girls - The Vibrators I Hate The Rich - The Dils Reeling In The Years - Steely Dan

Looks like Strafer may be adding an 'off' suffix to his name. Temptation - Heaven 17 The Time is Now - Moloko Call Off Your Dogs - Droogs

Sons And Daughters - Ian Hunter

Fucky

Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go - Wham Go - Blink 182 Go Now - The Moody Blues

Yam - Irving Berlin WOT? - Captain Sensible I Am I Said - Neil Diamond

Doin' The Do - Betty Boo De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police Dah Dah Dah - Trio

I Want You - Bob Dylan All Over My Face - Kris Allen Again And Again - Keane