Domitianus

I spoke recently to CLarence and he had a very hang-dog expression on his face. He wishes to point out that the bald bloke is completely innocent and that he is entirely to blame. After all, if we can't be responsible for our own turds what can we be responsible for? He said he had been trying a new variety of dog-food and that he had a sudden urge before he knew what was happening. Won't happen again, he assures me.

Anmother word of warning. If you have been burgled....don't use your toothbrushes!

I am scared that the kids will trounce me and then point me out in the street! Happened once before when I arm-wrestled a six year old and lost. Very embarrassing!

I am glad that there are positive aspects to the Green Worm which may just mitigate somewhat the hitherto (or should I say 'slitherto', yuk-yuk!) unmitigated horror it evoke within my soul!

Thanks Posh Mum. Both of me are now enlightened.

I told you....wait until X-Max hits the UK then you will understand what truly mobile VoIP is like.

I didn't know there was a market for glass DM. Where can I go to score some? Do they sell it in ounces or in a wrap? Do you sniff it, smoke it, mix it in tea or what?

Aren't we all actors...in a sense?

Must be frustrating for well-heeled parents to have sweated blood to climb out of the gutter only to find their ungrateful progeny determinedly crawling back into it! Wicked, homeboy!

Why is it that we rarely see fire engines racing up LL with their lights flashing? They are much more exciting than police cars and police transit vans, due to their shiny ladders, breathing apparatus and cutting equipment. I am not suggesting for one moment that anyone should either make hoax 999 calls or set fire to something just to satisfy my curiosity (both being criminal offences) but if anyone knows any firemen perhaps they could suggest they take a shortcut down LL and 'accidentally' flick on their hooters as they go by?

Before I offer a challenge....are you any good?

Could I suggest that an individual who has been scammed and who has reported it to their bank ask the bank directly and specifically whether the matter has been reported to the police? If so, what station? WHen? What was the name of the officer dealing with it? ANd what was the crime number allocated? If no such information provided one would be entitled to ask whether the bank is attempting to hush the matter up. These are direct steps that could be taken instead of us all talking ourselves sill on here and doing nothing. If I had had the misfortune of having been scammed I would be asking these very questions.

Scale the fences? They fly, you fool. A Christian country, DM? Must be why we have special swim times for Muslim ladies when good Christian folk are excluded. Hmmmmm!

You say you are not a 'pretentious gob-shite'? Prove it!

Has anyone heard anything about witchcraft and pagan rituals being practiced in Dulwich Park after dark?

Who is the portly chap with a strange Elvis haircut and glasses who seems to loiter around Somerfield looking hard? He is a staff member. 'Security' perhaps because he certainly scares me? Chortle

Nice on Snorky. Also bear in mind the person trying to flog the insurance may well be getting a commission for the sale!

keef, are you sure that is the correct spelling of 'McCauley'? There are a number of spellings and I should know, I've been out with a few. BTW is it true that you snorted your dad's ashes mixed with coke?

I am worried that Jah Lush may be an arty type. Quoting from Oscar Wilde, no less. BTW the most commonly read paper in ED is the 'Yes, I Do Property Deals' Gazette! it is read mostly by w**kers! Love and peace to the world!

Little consideration is being shown to those with water allergies or, indeed, those who cannot swim. The pool should be drained and opened to such individuals on a weekly basis - one dry session for the men, one for the women, one for the Muslims, one for the Jews, one for the Gentiles, one for the gays?lesbians, one for the straights etc etc

Just wait until XMax reaches the UK!!!!!

*Makes suspicious fiddling movements in corner whilst glancing about furtively*

That can work both ways Keef. I used to bank in Belfast with the Northern Bank, a prominent local bank in Northern Ireland. They were notorious for ridiculous charges - if you farted in one of their branches you expected to be hit with a charge. They actually tried to charge me ?40 for printing off 20 pages of statements on plain A4 paper!!! A few years ago, you may recall, the IRA robbed their Head Office and nicked about ?26 million in used notes! How the population laughed at this poetic justice!

Snorky, if you plan to stick a skewer in your cheek again, let me know. I have always wanted to see one of those Indian fakkir things in person. People have often told me I am a bit of a fakkir so I am wondering if I have a latent talent.

I am a crap player so simply wish to improve my game. I thus need mentoring in some form of semi-formal environment.