Ted Max

I think I'd employ a Fool.

What people require on Holiday is a little local colour. But not too much. "Haggling is expected - just be prepared to drive a hard bargain..." Reporter turns to market stall and pretends to be disagreeing vehemently with the stall owner over the price of a hideous leather handbag. "In the evening, that's when the locals come out to show off and promenade..." Shot of two locals walking home from the office. "If you fancy trying your hand at salsa, there will be no shortage of offers to help you learn..." Reporter sways out onto deserted dancefloor accompanied by an embarrassed looking waiter. "The locals like nothing better than finishing their meal with a glass of local spirits, so why not join in?" Reporter swigs shot. Family from Bromsgrove on the next table issue an ironic cheer.

In Foreign, someone is always trying to rip you off. Advice is delivered. Usually in a special, "serious, it's OK because I'm a world traveller but you are just a dim prole" voice. "Always take a licensed taxi from the airport, if you are travelling independently..." "Wear a money belt under your clothing. It can't be seen or easily stolen..." "Remember, such excursions are usually extra and can be expensive..." "Only book on official tours, as touts will operate outside most major attractions..."

You doubt the provenance of the 'dads'?

The warnings of potential danger in even the most placid of activities. A Holiday staple that will have you reaching for the razor blades in no time. "The City is a perfect size for walking but some of the pavements can be uneven, so do bring some sturdy shoes..." "The seas are a perfect temperature for swimming but the urchin spines can sting, so do pack some antihistamine..." "A typical cruise round the bay is only half an hour, but make sure you cconsult your insurance before boarding..." "You can hire bikes from any shop along the front. Experienced cyclists may want to bring their own helmets..."

Quality. Used as a universal blokey term of approbation. Absolute quality, mate. In football, a good pass was always a quality ball. Then "quality" became a value in itself. Spain, for instance, have "quality" all over the park. I'm pretty sure I've heard one pundit describe a team's "quality" as quality. "Their quality is just quality." Anyway, that's enough qualitative analysis from me.

What?

The internet says Paul Hardcastle, *Bob*.

Of course, Katie. If she was still with your dad at the time she would wish that he wear a cashmere v-neck over his shoulders in the Italian style. A Blue Harbour cotton tied round the waist, though, was his best effort. Returning from Larnaca they would discover that the mice had returned, and that that patch was back in the bathroom.

A man introduces us to an activity holiday on Yugoslavia's Dalmatian Coast. He is going to learn to sail. Don't worry, he says, the instructors are all fully qualified and only some of them will try and sleep with your wife. You, and he, know, that his outlink will include a 101 Dalmatians pun. Neither of you can avoid it.

This week, someone who was on Blue Peter tries out an off-season family holiday on the Fylde coast. Their two (of course) children are encrouaged into some compulsory bird watching. Do they enjoy having their holidays filmed, you wonder.

The programme, that is. Gather round. It's a Tuesday evening, your homework looms before you, from the kitchen the smell of boiling vegetables. The TV, perhaps. Those titles. I shall never escape this life. I will buy, and wear, espadrilles. I will become that person who needs the TV to tell them whether to pack a warm sweater or not for the evenings. I know already I won't do my homework. Instead I will write letters to my future self and ponder painless ways to take my own life.

Roof terrace is a strange term, isn't it? You'd never hear of a roof patio, I guess. Roof garden, yes. Rooftop Gardens definitely, especially in Wakefield where the Hit Man and Her was once filmed. I suppose "Roof" is just a bit brutal. Anyway, has anyone been on the Bishop's roof? Is it any less infected with polo-shirted bellends than downstairs?

4) Supernanny (Unasseptabull) 5) The House of Tiny Tearaways (Tanya will never come round yours and cock her head sympathetically while writing you out a life plan. Forget about it.) http://uktv.co.uk/images/standarditem/L1/582619_L1.jpg 6) "The Life of My Moustache" by Professor Robert Winston (No Mum, I didn't see it. Yes, I'm sure it's fascinating. You have recorded it? No, no need to post it, thanks.)

http://i31.tinypic.com/2dulg0p.jpg

I'm kind of hoping the WI thread gets lounged soon enough.

These are ratios, not percentages. Steve asked for ratios. FOUR LEVELS!!! ZING!!!!!!!

2 levels, Steve? I see the level where I've proved to you I'm a supercillious bellend. What's the other level?

Here we go. http://i49.tinypic.com/2ufshuf.jpg

I'm useless with pictures. Can you do this in graph form?

Are you high, Brendan?

No male under 45 has worn a sock on the streets of ED since May 11th. We're all about bearing the toe in our Birkeys, fella. I got some limited edition beauties made of wolfskin.

I'll tell you what's worth a heads up - the show/hide function. I've got about 90% of users on hide. Then when I click on "show" it's a bit like Chatroulette - only without the fat man with his cock out*. (*usually)

http://i45.tinypic.com/15yja4l.jpg Does anywhere still have bar billiards? Beige professional Yorkshiremen are optional, obviously, but welcome.

I reckon that wasn't Warnie, PGC, from behind he looks exactly like my mate Dave. Mick Mac, that's a good spot on Tavers. Do you think he was in the area to check out the people carrier for sale (MOT in post) outside the HiFi Station? I think he's got work now as a driver for Kent CC, giving tours of the outgrounds. What that man doesn't know about Sevenoaks Vine isn't worth knowing. Got another one for you. Gary Kirsten runs a tiling and decor business out of those new units behind the Plough. Good tidy job. Nothing flash, but gets the job done. His brother is useless though, so make sure you get Gary.