Ted Max

Price comparison websites - the illusion of choice. Sales of mainstream financial services sold by friendly idiots. A spread that helps to lower cholesterol. A treatment for constipation. Another for excess wind. Worried about funeral costs? Isa Isa Baby.

Cash for gold, cash for cars, cash for accidents, cash for debt. The legalised rape and plunder of those who have least to give. Now back to A Place in the Sun.

For fuxache: here, for the hard of Googling, is your friendly rundown of the current, untrue and scurrilous internet rumours. Ryan Giggs is rumoured to have had three bits on the side on the go, all are injuncted, only Imogen Thomas' name has been made public so far. Hugh Bonneville is rumoured to have paid for sex with the same woman as had a paid for threesome with Wayne Rooney. Fred the Shred was at it with someone at RBS. Alan Shearer is rumoured to have been nodding one in at Gabby Logan's (nee Yorath) back post, or something. While everyone else is looking this way ('famous people having sex', wedding, calm down dear,) >(double dip, Syria, Yemen, Libya, Entire Met Police on Rupe's payroll etc)

Or...

Who moved my (post about) cheese?

Sounds good, JCS NYC. If there's one thing I can't stand it's a old cheese. Can you tell me what you recommend cutting this Colombian cheese with?

(Apologies for off topic but in response to above: Jeremy, I'm sure I post as much non-funny, in-character shit on here as anyone, but I do it all under the same name. In short, this particular non-funny, in-character shit isn't from me)

????, I did mean nights. But your mention of tights has raised memories of a spell I spent touring the Eastern Seaboard of the USA with Les Hommes Du Ballet Cleveland. All was going well until we hit our Miami booking, at which point the pumps began to fall off things somewhat, resulting in a string of cancelled bookings and broken young men. I think half the corps are still propping up a barre somewhere in South Beach. I salvaged what I could for the sake of the careers of the younger dancers, and moved on.

I see I have a bit to catch up on. HonaB is taking things a bit far, I feel. I have no time for Spinoza. Dullified shoots and scores. I can only claim marketing as my cover. Katie seems to think this is a thread to boast of past satiation. It is nothing of the kind, of course. Embo finds a way through my armour by appealing to my understandable vanity. As indeed does Dorothy. I will resist, but only just. Hugeunot reminds me of the T-shirts a zealous manager foisted on my band when we were still working our way up through the club scene. His refusal to take me seriously as a lyricist led to our break up, of course, although Gary and Mark had some later success, I believe, as part of a dance act. If at that time I sought consolation in the arms of my fanbase, I think I could be forgiven.

The defeat of the journey East: the road flattening out before you, pinewood-gated Royalist towns stacking up junction by junction, green to brown to grey.

Sight unseen, I reckon you've still got it going on, Cheebs. I'd have been flinging a few rigid codes at you myself, twennery-summery years ago. You reminded me of a time when I once ran Poettery courses in the Camargue - a multi-media arts venture in which shapes were thrown in words and clay. It was, I fear, always more of a typo than a business model. But for one late summer, as the wild bulls ran and the flamingos turned the skies terracotta, a trickle of women of a certain age, often but not exclusively American, would submit to my tuition. But all this has nothing to do with my current life goals, of raising the young people to a better understanding of their place in a world where care for them is outsourced to a succession of Australians with half a drama degree and a summer camp internship to their name. I think a man of my experience could find a place in this world. But, I'll say it now, the constant sexual objectification would have stop.

Ridgley, an unimprovable typo leavens the dirgeful stream.

Peckhamgatecrasher, it would be very unfair if past indiscretions on my part were to hamper my employment opportunities for working with the local young people. Anyway, all concerned were consenting adults, and I like to think I brought some happiness into those women's lives. *Bob*, I agree he looks a state. This is why I am proposing a uniform. Perhaps something like a chauffeur, but without the hat. It would have to be a good suit, though; something with a bit of movement, not too structured, but smart. Certainly not one of those Next static-generators the Addison-Lee chaps scratch themselves into for an 18 hour shift. Annette Curtain I refer you to my answer to PGC. candj, Thanks for your good wishes and for clarifying your own socio-sexual morality. I'm not anticipating direct offers from my employers, but am rather concerned that their friends will be all over me like cherry blossom falling onto on a verdant, windblown lawn.

I feel this is a look I might want to avoid. To me it just reeks of a sort of seedy sexual availability. With a pony tail. So I was thinking some sort of a uniform might be a good idea.

The main thing, embo, is to make sure that the client is absolutely certain about the position they are putting me, and to some extent themselves, into.

Thanks for the clarification, Chick. Thanks to you too, Katie. Although your good-natured innuendo is typical of the sort of thing I'm afraid I might have to put up with as a nanny. I had to come down hard on that sort of thing when I was a tennis coach/ personal trainer.

That's good to hear, Chick, although rather rude of you.

We prefer male nanny. Or just nanny. But yes, you have the general idea.

I'm thinking of retraining as a manny as I think there'd be plenty of work, it would pay better than my current role, and the job would suit my natural accomplishments. My only worry is that I will be plagued by constant demands for all the sex from off of the mums and dads of East Dulwich. So to the mums and dads that post here, do you think if you were to meet me out and about with my young charges you would be able to resist slipping me your phone number and asking me if I get my nights off?

Gotcha. Told you.

Sue - some other explanations could be... Pills: The hayfever pills were mislaid in the folds of an article of clothing or bag, and dropped out into the middle of the room as your brother left the house left one day, without him noticing. Bike: Somebody took the bike, did not dust it (the bastards), and then put it back. Headache: The spare room was too hot/cold/exposed to CO. Or the guests were typically served strong drink in generous quantities the night before. Car Key: You bent the car key in your pocket because you have untapped and otherwise unused and unnoticed supernatural powers. I'm not mocking, but you don't have to go too far to come up with reasons other than the paranormal, or parallel, worlds. We see, I guess, what we want to see. You woke "feeling strange", for example. Already a shade of glass in place to cloud the vision.

It certainly did.

Christmas at Tarot's. Legless child-neglecting motorists slumped on a surfeit of Argos mattresses, draped in broken plastic garlands. Febreze lingers over a marshmallow choked grandma. No Islams. Jews welcome, as long as they're the proto-Christian sacrificial kind. Plenty of Takis, though. So some hope for literary redemption, at least.

If Christmas spirit = tips on going shopping, basic car maintenance, and immolating the very young then I'm right there, Herod. Anyway, I'm not a fan of Christmas, I think it excludes the Islams and some of them Jewish fellers. PS Can I use frozen lemon juice on my car headlamps? I am following your tips in order and have got confused.

For a good effective car air freshener,place a fabric conditioner sheet (used in tumble dryers)underneath the front seats. Good solid Christmas tip for when you shit yourself in your car. Thanks. If you have very young children and you cannot find someone to look after them, make sure their heads ,hands and feet are kept warm. Included in this are the following reminders. 1. petrol 2.trolley coin. 3 strong bags 4.Stick to the shopping list. So to keep my very young children warm you want me to set fire to them with petrol, brand them with a coin, then shovel their charred, smoking remains into some strong bags before, in an act of sick materialist irony, glueing them to a shopping list?