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Ted Max

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Everything posted by Ted Max

  1. The fat Aussie loser succumbs to the chinless Belarus billionaire. Meanwhile, the pack leader summons the midsummer blood to repel the Balkan challenger.
  2. There's a new Tim around. He's called Laura and he's quite a fetching wee thing with that moneyed, honeyed complexion that speaks of long days on the yacht in the summer hols. His expensive education has not been entirely wasted, though, as he has had the cunning idea of entering the Women's draw, which is bound to help.
  3. Rinse and repeat: Can the old lags *Bob*, ???? and Jeremy make it to the second week? Why aren't there any "characters" in the game any more. Where are the dedicated, dogged and doomed baseliners as mad as T.LS (Bexley, seeded 8)? Why does nobody come to the net any more with the same desparation and hopelessness as BBW (Forest Hill, unseeded)? Where is Narnia (Portlaoise, Qualifier) to tell us about the first Irish player in 30 years to play at the big W being a double break up in the fifth and losing. Can the English-hating, steroid-abusing, mum shagging, pube-headed Wolfman make it past Djoko, Rafa or R-Fed? (No) Will John Inverdale's head finally succumb to the inevitable and collapse into his neckhole, tiny eyes peering out of his shirt collar like two piss-wet pebbles? Ted Max (Smug, 16 seed) has won the toss and will receive. Play.
  4. Never ask a lady about her *.
  5. What a bunch of *unt*.
  6. That's a bit mean about 118118, D-C. Granted he was never the smartest but he used to make some good posts until Mockney mentally destroyed him on the "Guess what my cat is called" thread.
  7. Can't see the harm in it, either. Of course I'm too busy, witty, well-endowed and hungover to take part, but can't see the need to poke fun at them that does. (Do I have to hand my clique badge in, already? I'm only two weeks away from making my pension. Got my eye on a nice little place in the country. Gonna grow me some lemons. Make lemonade. See the grandkids.)
  8. Ben Sherman? Are the WD-enders bringing their plumbers with them as back-up?
  9. *Bob*, I've heard that Al Murray's pub landlord character now performs almost solely to those whose views he satirises. Isn't that odd?
  10. Bloody hell, I'm being depersonalised and bullied on this thread as well! Modz, plz delete and ban.
  11. Hello Ted, my friend Dave earns a living as a professional Sienna Miller lookalike and was wondering if you'd care to join him as Lawalike on a few corporate gigs he has coming up. As it was an alleged matter of impersonation* that landed me in front of the beak this morning, my solicitor advises me I should decline your mate Dave's offer. PGC, exactly. No Panama. I am not, currently, an itinerant ice cream salesman. Anette, I retain an oz or two of Alfred Dunhill's finest - a larger share of which was given to me by my late pa when he departed for the night train to Southampton Docks one night. "Keep this, Theodore old son," he said, "and remember, if you can smell it when you're wearing it, you're wearing too much". He kissed my protruding cheekbones and left, arse first, through the cloakroom window. * I walked from this one, by the way, as my lady accuser couldn't be sure in the cold light of day if I had been the same cove to whom she opened the door last summer, and from whom she mistakenly bought insurance (cash money, buy now while the offer lasts) for her five pet cats. In my opinion, she met Freddy the Fedora, who works the South Norwood through Addington end of the Tiddles in Peril market.
  12. Ted Max

    Freemasonary

    The outside is always being filmed for something or other It stands in for MI5 HQ in Spooks. I wish I didn't know this. The pubs of Long Acre are full of men in dark suits, with necks wider than their heads, drinking Guinness at three in the afternoon. It's either the Masons or the HonaloochieB Appreciation Society, or perhaps the intersection of both.
  13. Sant?, Jack. My solicitor thought I should perhaps lose the pocket square, but I'm confident the magistrate will appreciate the extra effort.
  14. ...just a little bit too much cologne. But all in all, I am nailing it out there today.
  15. Ted Max

    Sausages

    When he won the Wm Rose Butchery Masterclass in the JAGS summer fair raffle he never thought he'd actually attend but here he is, trailing in on a Thursday morning like a kid into the head teacher's office. He's one of three on the course: the other two in Boden, one has even brought his own knives. Under tuition he dolefully mixes 2kgs of sausage meat and fat, stuffing it silently into the thick casings. The ruined hospital moulders across the street. At the weekend, the sausages burst and spit their fat on the grill, onto the ground, leak into the buns, secrete their shame across the hot plate. It starts, at last, to rain and everyone can go inside to eat crisps and watch BGT.
  16. Ted Max

    Sausages

    Snorky at the BBQ in his Kath Kidston apron, bottle of something for over a tenner from Green & Blue on the go, Groove Armada and Air providing the vibe. He tosses a morsel of a grilled Moxon's scallop to his favourite cat Snorkles. Yep, buying the hut in Whitstable was the best decision he ever made.
  17. Ted Max

    Gap

    In the Hautes-Alpes? No, it was freezing actually.
  18. Ted Max

    Gap

    The Grand Tour of nos jours innit. Stock up on Titians in Florence. Syphilis in Naples. Not so far to an ankle tattoo and a dose of "malaria".
  19. Ted Max

    Diamond

    A royal gap day.
  20. Have a happy bank holiday, one and all.
  21. Aye, Strafer, and the same FA that hiffed the maligned not a football man Trieseman over the side. What did he know, and what did they know he knew?
  22. where's Rosie when you need her She's rehearsing for ToTS. Playing Petruchio innit. MickMac to play Kate.
  23. Or not a fee?
  24. Ted Max

    accents innit

    Quids sounds like a 21st century Trevor Howard. Gorgeous. The rest of you affect a sort of Sloane-ish drawl, which I find very offputting. I wish you wouldn't do it but you do.
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