Ted Max

I fear you may be right, Matthew. And the "About this Forum" section will be renamed "Talk to the Hand". 7. Surf the West Dulwich and Nunhead Forums, searching for that old spark. Register under someone else's EDF username, just for the hell of it.

5. Speculate feverishly on the hidden menace in the words "we're making some changes". After all, the last time you heard those words was when Mother decided to try her hand at French cuisine.

Things you can do in "about an hour" whilst you wait for the forum to come online again. 1. Worry that all the red "new" alerts will be re-set wrongly when you log on at 10.01pm 2. Wonder if you should have deleted "that" PM before the maintenance work 3. Eat, shower, change out of last year's clothes. Treat it like a new beginning, a chance to insert new matchsticks between the eyelids and break out a fresh keyboard. 4. Watch the second half of Midsomer Murders

A big small cat, or a small big cat? http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8172064.stm?ls

The silent, scarred, boy tenderly offers his only kind teacher one of his own turds, wrapped in yesterday's homework.

So should we be killing the mice or not? I'm confused, now.

She's good at going up mountains, though. In Nepal, she climbed a really high one in record time. Everest? No, she went all the way to the summit in one go.

She moved on to Blackpool after that and really didn't like the look of bits of Lancashire. Preston? Yes, she decided to do the journey without stopping.

"Airbrushing expert Michelle Facey" might have an undeclared interest.

She first fell in love in Eastern France but it turned out he was gay. Nancy? There's no need to be offensive.

She got caught up in a US invasion in the Caribbean once. Grenada? No, but they shot at her with machine guns.

She was in Brittany during the war. Rennes? No, the WAAF.

She wanted to live in the Ardenne but she couldn't face the paperwork. Rheims? Yeah, loads of the stuff.

She got really good at pub sports after spending a year studying in northern France. Arras? Nah, mostly billiards and table football.

Her last tour was in Korea. Seoul? No, mainly classical stuff.

She's on a concert tour over there at the moment. Qatar? No, she's a vioinist.

My wife's going to a fancy dress party in The Gulf dressed as Thelma Flintstone. Dubai? No, it's an Abu Dhabi do.

Hold on. Maybe I'm thinking of that Shakespeare thing on the other side? I can't remember now.

It did, thanks, Hona. I was quite refreshed as I had fortuitously run into Mavis from number eight in the mini mart. I insulted her on matters various for a few minutes, before buying the last (single) Battenberg. Her face was a picture.

Brilliant ending. I never guessed he was the twin brother all along.

I've had a good dig round but I can't find all the threads insulting the old of East Dulwich - as advertised by Macroban. Which is disappointing because I fancied getting a bit of geriatric disparagement in before tea time. Can someone point me in the direction of these? Maybe Macroban can do the necessary when it's her turn to have a go on the library computer again? (See? I'm a natural)

Nothing? I guess this will soon be a pun perdu.

Good lad.

Did you get laid, yet, Sean?

You used to get freshly baked croissants on the NHS before the immigrants ate them all. Pain relief, Brendan? I said, pain... oh never mind.