Utterly stunned

[intexasatthe moment]

Crikey LM ,what a star .

Can't add anything to above ,yes you should go and say good bye .

You must still be in shock ,you'll feel stronger when you've got your head round it.

Thank you for posting .

[Jahman]

Knowing you as I do Ladymuck I know why this is so difficult for you, and maybe not quite as difficult for someone else. However, objectivity in life is essential. i.e to fully comprehend someone's actions, decisions etc. you need to detach yourself completely from the emotional relationship. It doesn't matter what your views are on assisted suicide. It doesn't matter whether you agree with her decision or not. Rightly or wrongly this is an avenue open to people in this world we live in. Carry on visiting, make her aware you do not agree with her decision but accept it. Peace and love. Emmanuel

[PennyDreadful]

I don?t know you at all; but I was moved by your post and would like to thank you for the care and dedication you?ve shown to someone outside your own family, someone you could easily have turned your back on (as it seems others have). As someone with a chronic illness, I am deeply troubled by society?s drift towards accepting assisted suicide; but I would still echo what others have said here - please do try to somehow find the courage to make one last visit. It wouldn?t be condoning her decision, but rather honouring the way you have mattered in each other?s lives. This is bound to be a strange and painful time, but I can?t help feeling it would be much worse for you if you simply didn?t see her again...then it really would be like the ?sick budgie going off to the vet? scenario that you describe. Whereas by sharing a last visit, you would be acknowledging your shared humanity.

If you do go to see her, the hardest part may well be walking across the threshold on the way in...and then on the way out again. Perhaps someone (your husband, or a friend) could come with you to her street and then either wait outside or at any rate meet you straight afterwards? While you are actually with her, it may well be fine ? you will be your familiar selves to each other; you may not even talk about The Matter In Hand as she may not want to, preferring everyday trivialities as light relief. Or she may have things of her own she has decided to say. Either way, the onus is not all on you to come up with the ?right things to say? because there are no right things to say in such a situation. Please don?t let the feeling that you must have some kind of speech prepared put you off going to see her. Just go ? just go in there and be with her a while.

Whatever happens, you have nothing to reproach yourself for. You mention appearing cowardly ? not at all: you seem like a brave person in a tough situation. This is the hard stuff of life and many people don?t dirty their hands with it ? it?s admirable that you do. Good luck.

[Mick Mac]

Some religions preach the sanctity of human life LM. But at the end of the day even if you disagree with her choice you have to respect that she feels it should be her choice and she wants to die with dignity. And this is how she can do it, when she is still able to make that choice for herself.

[Bookworm]

Lady M. After seeing what my father went through,with arthitis and the effects of vascular dementia, I can understand how your friend feels but for her decision to be that extreme, it can't have been taken lightly. Yes, this time is about her but her actions will affect you and after looking after her for four years, you will feel a void. That is where you will need the support of your friends and family. When my father finally died, after seven years of suffering, my mother felt a terrible void, not just because it was her husband, but also because so much of her time had been taken up with caring for him. Our house is open to you any time you need us. We do understand how you feel.

M

[brum]

LM - I think you know what to do now. If it were me, I would go to see her, but perhaps imagine that her end is inevitable, as it would be if she had been told by the doctors that she had just a few days left to live. When it comes down to the bottom line, there is no real difference. Either way, you'll be saying goodbye to someone very close and acknowledging her life and your friendship. Take care Mx

[katie1997]

Ladymuck, what a brave post and I hope you do manage to see your friend. I echo what the others have said above. Have also PM'd you of my experience of having been in a sort of similar position.

Take care,

xxx

[karter]

Hey LadyM, It is a tough one and it will be hard not having her around to visit i guess. When you go and see her give her a big salute, in Serbian. 90 is a good age to get to though and suffering can't be nice. (Sorry to hear about Rosieh's loss too in the past). Death sucks but try and live life to the fullest.

*hugs*

[SteveT]

I remember talking to a vicar of 87 and he found the older he got the less life made sense to him.

All of his family had died as had his close friends, and the town where he had lived most of his life had now changed beyond recognition.

He couldn't even find his way around anymore so felt increasingly isolated and he described it as something like a living death.

He was treading water waiting for his release which was all rather pitiful, he could not consider a trip to Switzerland as he felt it an irreligious act.

She is a courageous woman your Serbian ladyM and so are you.

[kpc]

LM

That is an incredibly moving post. As many people have already said, I am sure that you will go and see your friend again. It won't be easy but you'll find the strength from within and from the support of your family and friends.

Take care.

K

[Belle]

As well as echoing what others have said, I'd add that given the important role you've had in this lady's life, I should think it would mean a lot to her to see you again before she goes to Switzerland. You don't have to see it as giving your blessing to what she's doing but more as taking an opportunity to properly say goodbye to someone you have cared for (in both senses of the word). My father-in-law died very suddenly about a month ago and it breaks my heart that we didn't have the chance to say goodbye, to tell him he has been a wonderful father and father-in-law and grandpa.

[Narnia]

Ladymuck,excuse me if this post is a bit irreverent. Everyone has been very nice with what they have said and admire you for what you have done in befriending this lady for 4 years. The fact is I was looking on the net for something nice to quote regarding death and the first thing I read was a Buddist view of the subject. Some nice words were written but they were really for believers of an afterlife which may or may have been relevant. I didn't know, so left it. Then I came across a crazy site called 'the Death Clock'. It was quite simple really. You enter some details as I did about myself, DOB etc. I ignored the BMI section as I didn't know what mine was and suspected it wouldn't improve my result. Presto, it told me in seconds how many I have left to live. It was quite a large number but by heck it was getting smaller every second that went by. I then entered your friends details and apparently she should have died in August 1999. Well that was a shock as she obviously didn't. I presume if she had you would never have met her, I might be wrong. Nevertheless, you did meet her and she you and you spent some good times in each other's company.It might not have happened if the old Death Clock was accurate!

All things come to an end both good and bad. I wonder might you feel better about this if it were possible for either of you (your fellow carer)were able to travel with her to Switzerland. I have seen a programme about this place and it really is dignified. Alternatively or as well, would it be possible for the Serbian lady to visit home for the last time? She might find she likes it there.

Whatever about the possible options there is no getting away from the fact that we all die alone where ever it might be. When my mother died it was left to the sons to decide what should be played musically in the church(as my father was very ill) at her funeral. My input was a song called 'Where's your mother gone?' by Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep, I think. Needless to say it wasn't selected. Still it gave us a laugh.

Maybe this will give you a laugh as in 100 years none of us will be here. I hope so.

D.

[shoshntosh]

dear ladymuck

yesterday was meant to be my last post but i just want to reply to this thread so badly! can i ask what exactly is it that is bothering you so much... that she will cease to exist or that she is choosing to commit suicide? (i sincerely don't mean this in a rude way, am just trying to help you work through it). death is always going to be difficult, but she has had, as they say, "good innings" and she sounds ready to go. if it's the suicide part of the equation, then it's a little more difficult to unpick what is upsetting you so much about that... are you a religious person (and does suicide run counter to your beliefs)? are you just sad that she is so unhappy/discontent? are you a natural "fixer"? because sometimes i think, well... i have experienced, that suicide leaves the living feeling as though they could have/would have/should have been able to do something to help. but usually they couldn't. and in this case, you cannot. so please do not burden yourself with that.

you have already helped her immensely. try to find some peace within yourself on this issue... either through prayer, meditation, reading, writing, or talking (like this even), and then go and say your goodbyes. the very last gift you can give her, as one of her few friends on this entire planet, is not to judge her, and to let her go.

i similarly had to let my mother go and, although it was horribly painful, i am glad i did.

good luck, ladymuck. (and well done for braving the forum with this thread)

[tonyw3]

Just remember that my listening ear is close by. xxx