Declining a wedding invitation - what's the etiquette?

[Alan Medic]

My nephew is getting married in Feb next year in Brazil. They want a reply to their invitation by next week. The answer is no based on not knowing this far in advance if we could afford to go. The RSVP's are to my brother's address. Do I just phone him or should I write to the couple c/o my brothers address? I know my nephew but hardly ever see him. Never met the girlfriend. What do you think?

PS I'd love to say yes but circumstances don't allow that.

[RosieH]

[Alan Medic]

Sing it to them? Don't think so.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Strictly speaking you should write to the hosts (or whoever issued the invitation), using the same style as them. Eg, if formally worded in the third person, answer formally in third person.

You only have to "regret you are unable to attend", you don't need to give a reason. However, since it is a close connection, you could write that you are really sorry to miss it, blah, blah.

You can still/should send a gift with your congratulations and best wishes.

[Alan Medic]

Thanks PGC. Any thoughts on being given a deadline 8 months prior to the event?

[Jah Lush]

Just politely decline. Let's face it, I wouldn't have thought they expect all of their invited guests to fly all the way over to Brazil for the nuptials and of course you don't have to give a reason. if you don't won't to.

[RosieH]

Alan Medic Wrote:

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Any thoughts on being given a deadline

> 8 months prior to the event?

Your concern is more about their etiquette than yours you mean? Their wedding, their rules...

As for your RSVP, I agree with PGC but as it's c/o your brother, I think it's also worth giving him a ring to explain your reasons why. He can pass that on to his son, who I'm sure will understand perfectly.

[womanofdulwich]

i think the deadline is the give away- i dont think they ever expected you to say yes.

[Alan Medic]

No, this was a supplementary question. You are the one with the bitchy type thought.

Maybe, but they have had nice cards printed. So they don't want anyone to go?

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Alan, in strict etiquettal rules (new word - I love it), invitations should only be issued six weeks before the event.

I suppose they are giving guests the opportunity to save up for the wedding, but then it's a bit rich to expect a firm RSVP so early on.

Frankly since they seem to be breaking the rules, I wouldn't sweat about being correct.

[Laddy Muck]

Dear Mr. Medic,

This is what I would do. Having said that, I know sweet FA about etiquette; and my way of doing things is probably all wrong.

Are you close to your brother? If so, I would first ring him and simply tell him the truth (as you have in your, rather sweet, OP e.g.). Your brother may make an exception and come up with an alternative arrangement for you. If not, I would then formally respond to the RSVP.

If you are not particularly close to your brother, I would simply respond to the RSVP, with perhaps a little explanation.

[MrBen]

I think they will understand. It's a long way to go for some sausage rolls and a disco. That said some of the foreign weddings can be an amazing and fascinating experience, especially if someone is marrying a partner native to that country.

[Annette Curtain]

MrBen Wrote:

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> I think they will understand. It's a long way to

> go for some sausage rolls and a disco. That said

> some of the foreign weddings can be an amazing and

> fascinating experience, especially if someone is

> marrying a partner native to that country.

Heaven forbid MrBen. Mr Medic is a militant Veggie.

No sausage rolls and Brazilian disco for him.

[RosieH]

Alan Medic Wrote:

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> >

> No, this was a supplementary question. You are the

> one with the bitchy type thought.

Wowsers, now where did that come from? Just like you I was simply asking a question, but I'm a bitch and you're not? Nothing bitchy in my question.

Who knows, maybe they're trying to get a rough idea of head count to see how much money they have to save up for the big day. But if you're wondering about the 8 month deadline, asking a forum full of strangers isn't going to give you the answer; having a chat with your brother might.

[Applespider]

The other reason for an 8 month deadline might be to see how many folks won't make it so how big a 'party' do they have to throw on their return - and get it booked?

I have a pal who married in South Africa so her family could attend (she was from Cape Town) and while she invited lots of people to fly out, she knew that since the majority wouldn't be able to make it, she also booked an event after the honeymoon back in the UK so that everyone could still celebrate.

[Frankito]

It is ok to politely decline, better that than commit to something that creates unnecessary stress.

Perhaps a wee call to your brother before you send the invitation just to forewarn him of your decision may help to lessen any negative reaction.

[Alan Medic]

I didn't call you a bitch RosieH. If you were simply asking a question you answered it pretty quickly yourself. Anyway I apologise for offending.The written word can be easily misconstrued.

[ratty]

I invited plenty of people out of politeness to my wedding, knowing full well they would not be able to come.

[mockney piers]

I think generally the expected decline rate is about 25%.

Up that significantly for weddings abroad.

I'm pretty sure as it's in Brazil that no offence will be taken (although I just got back from one in New York, but the missus just used it as an excuse to go shopping).

[HonaloochieB]

You could always start an affair with your brother's wife.

The resulting fallout would mean never getting invited anywhere by your family ever again.

It's a strategem known as 'Giggsing'.

[Alan Medic]

If you only knew how tasteless the reality of that would be Hooch, some of your fans would cringe that you wrote it. This being the case I won't explain what the reality is. Illusion is sometimes better.

[Huguenot]

Agreed with most of the other guys - if there's an 8 month deadline it'll be because something else pretty important hinges on the attendance rate.

Most of the betrothed expats around my neck of the woods have had to do the same thing in terms of early deadlines - and from an attendance perspective have been known to change country or create multiple events to try and involve as many people as possible!

On the formality of your response... I wouldn't be overly bothered unless you know your family get hoity toity about things like this. Ring your bro and tell him the problem. When some of my family couldn't afford the flight to my wedding I flew them across from my own pocket and they were over the moon. They didn't get to travel very often, and if they'd been dishonest about the reason then I never could have helped them out.

Honesty is the best policy.

[Otta]

When you get married abroad, especially in South America, you do so in the knowledge that not everyone will make it.

[Alan Medic]

Ironically I got married abroad,in Spain, and my nephew attended. He was about 6.

[HonaloochieB]

Quote:

You could always start an affair with your brother's wife

Alan Medic Wrote:

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> >

> If you only knew how tasteless the reality of that

> would be Hooch, some of your fans would cringe

> that you wrote it. This being the case I won't

> explain what the reality is. Illusion is sometimes

> better.

Thanks for that AM, in this climate a fellow needs all the fans he can get.