Single mum of teenage boy needs advice

[hilili]

My 13yr old son came home from school today with a problem. One of his mates has joined with another couple of boys and have been telling him that he is too dumb to ever get a job, that he would never get a job in a corner shop and that McDonalds is too good for him - generally laughing at him and have nicknamed him Binman. He tolerated this for a little while and told them to p... off as it was getting annoying, they kept going and he now feels like crap! He doesn't want me to talk to the school or their parents as this will give them more ammunition. What do I do?????

[Helen GV]

Don't know, but my mum always says that of someone calls you a (can't repeat it here), you either are , or you are not. If you are, do something about it, and if not then why worry. She has lots of these kinds of sayings...

Obviously in the case of a 13 year old it is difficult to rationalise this kind of behaviour as it is so unfair.

Perhaps remind him that they are young and don't know anything, also make sure he is doing lots of the stuff that he IS good at to remind him of his abilities and to keep his confidence up. I was bullied, punched in the throat once even and still only told my parents reluctantly, so fully understand that kids of this age may not want to talk about it (or even do anything about it as it makes it real)

Good luck to you both!

Edited to say that my husband suggested joining a football or boxing club, also to remind him that they wouldn't say it if they were alone, it's cowardly behaviour.

[Saffron]

If it's interfering with his academic work in any way, you need to tell the school. And you need to find out why his teacher(s) haven't intervened. Do they not know? Do they not feel supported enough to get involved?

[Saffron]

tell him to have a fight, he may get a detention and even if he loses the fight they won't carry on with it, fighting isn't usually the answer to stuff but at thirteen `as a growing lad making a stand for yourself might not be too bad a thing,by the way this isn't saffron it's her hubby, i just noticed this topic on her open page.

hugs and good luck.xx

iaineasy.xx

[Saffron]

I'm glad we don't have a teenage son, b/c that's not the advice I would give at all! -Saffron-

[claire101]

I asked my husband's advice as the son of his lovely (single) mum, who sometimes had a hard time at a tough school.

He said to consider if it's bullying, and if it is, to ask for the school's bullying policy and discuss the issue with them. I know you said your son is reluctant to let you speak to the school, but his view was that to not take action sends the wrong message. You could always see how the next few days go and act if it doesn't go away.

An addition/ alternative is to look at the website of a charity like Beat Bullying, or Parentline Plus (now Family Lives) has a phoneline.

I feel for you. Hope the little so and so's move on. We've got a young son so no direct experience as parents yet. Good luck.

[new mother]

Act sooner than later and don't wait to see what happens. Nip it in the bud now. It's unacceptable and the school needs to deal with it.

[curlykaren]

sorry, I'm puzzled, how long have they been back at school? Surely its only a few days anyway? There is a good possibility they might get bored with it pretty quickly, meanwhile have a chat with him about how these boys must be really unconfident and unsure of themselves to be behaving like this. Also, try and find out exactly how they are phrasing their insults and help him come up with some killer put-downs, being able to resolve the matter himself will boost his confidence and help him tackle this kind of behavior in the future, that said, don't leave it for too long. all the best x

[hilili]

Thank you guys - much appreciated x

[redjam]

Personally I'd advise humour as a way of getting round this problem - it's amazing how laughing along and making jokes yourself (against yourself if necessary) can defuse a situation. If you look like you're getting very wound up, the bullies will sense blood and keep needling away, whereas if you can act like you honestly don't care and have a sense of humour about it, it really takes the wind out of their sails. So next time they say something, perhaps he should just laugh along and say, 'Yeah, actually it's my life's ambition to work in MacDonald's, I've been dreaming about it since I was a boy - but I'm worried the burger flipping will be too hard for me' and pull a dumb face, or something to that effect. See what happens. I'd try that before either going to the teachers or (worse still) getting into a fight, as both those approaches hugely escalate what is essentially a bit of harmless fun. But I do sympathise - teenagers can be little scrotes to each other. Good luck.

[Saffron]

But it's not "harmless" fun if it's upsetting the lad, is it? (And I think the suggestion of a fight was meant to be black humour.) I agree with new mother. If it's happening at school, the school needs to deal with it. That doesn't mean charging in heavy handed and making a big fuss to escalate the situation. The school should have different ways of dealing with these situations depending on the particular circumstances. A wait and see approach does not benefit anyone but the bullies. Proactive is best IMHO, but proactive doesn't have to mean confrontational. xx

[redjam]

No, you're right, it's not harmless - in fact I meant to go back and edit my post to say 'intended as harmless fun'. But I do sometimes think that going straight in to the school isn't always the best thing to do (unless of course you are talking about very serious verbal or physical abuse) as in all honesty if the teachers get involved then it almost certainly will escalate the situation. I was just wondering whether there were any coping strategies that could be explored by the child to deal with the problem on his own before calling in outside help - though of course, if they don't work and the problem continues, then it's right to go to the school and report it.

[ClaireClaire]

Just reading this through quickly so maybe will come back later with some more coherent thoughts

I agree with what someone else has said about using humour to deflect the negative comments

I have a couple of personal anecdotes I can pm to you if interested - let me know.

I also agree with others who say that it would be better to not involve the school -- it is just my personal view but I think people should try to handle things themselves, and while it can be a bit daunting at first, it could give him a huge confidence boost to know that he had been able to deal with it himself.

Good luck

Claire

[Ruth_Baldock]

I say this as the wife of someone who suffered a violent attack (gbh actually) this weekend but fighting is never, ever the answer actually.

He could either do as redjam suggested- ignore it/ laugh it off, with support from you telling him what cowards the boys are, or you could go into the school to speak to his head of year. Dependig on your child, you'll know which is te best course of action. Sorry your son is going through this, it's unacceptable.

[GSJ57]

Gosh, Ruth - how awful... hope he's OK.

[Saffron]

Maybe it's not that serious, and maybe the boys all go back to being mates in a couple days. You have to go with your own judgement here. But, if it really IS a problem, and you don't want to get the school involved b/c you think it will escalate the problem, then that's equivalent to admitting the school has no control over the bullies. If that's the case, then you need to change schools. I hope that's not the case and it all blows over.

[womanofdulwich]

IME schools are sometimes not very good at this- and your child can get stigmatised as a tell tale. Really try and sort it out without the school if you can, as teenage boys try this on all the time- and you have to act swiftly at stopping this.

[Otta]

No way you should get involved after one day! I'd have been absolutely mortified if my mum had gotten involved, and I'm pretty sure it would have led to relentless p!ss taking.

The one time I went through this sort of thing (over a longer period than one day), I had a quiet word with a favourite teacher, who I trusted not to go in all guns blazing, but to keep an eye out.

I would also suggest confronting the one who had been his mate, and asking him why he was doing it to me.

If all else fails, there is always that timeless comeback to any situation...

.. "YA MUM!!!" (Plenty of emphasis on the first M)

[Moi23]

Oh I wish I had some miraculous advice, I feel for him. I was teased mercilessly when I was a kid. The only thing I can say with utmost certainty, is that the more you let it affect you, the more they'll tease you. It all depends on his way of being, if he's a bit of a joker he can easily use humour, if he's quiet he can stonewall them until they get bored, if he's feisty he can verbally confront them, he needs to find his own way of standing up for himself. And if it starts to get out of control and starts to seriously affect him, then you might have to take action.