How do you teach a toddler to be gentle?

[Lochie]

I was just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to teach a toddler the importance of being gentle? My son is 2 years 4 months and is a lively and energetic boy who can get a bit over the top and pull hair/push/steal toys etc at play groups. I always immediately tell him off and make him say sorry to whoever is at the receiving end of this (usually victim is in tears). When we get home we talk about what has happened and I will say he has been naughty and ask him why and he?ll usually allude to ?pulling hair? or ?biting? etc ? so he knows what he has done.

The problem is he now seems to be focusing on younger babies, I think he thinks it?s all a game. In the last few weeks he has pushed a baby over who was playing harmlessly on the floor, and today at a play group he tried to glue a newborn?s head (whist being breast fed) and went over unashamedly to try poke a month old baby in the face. It?s upsetting for me as the parents are usually aghast.

I am also due with baby 2 in 4 weeks and am really worried he doesn?t understand that young babies cannot be bashed around in such a way. We have been telling him that a new baby will be coming soon, I don?t think he quite gets it, though he gets it enough to have pushed the newly set up moses basked out of our bedroom whilst saying ?byebye baby? (!!!). Perhaps this is a jealousy thing, but if so I am at a loss as to how to teach him the importance of being gentle at a time when he really needs to learn. Any tips? A pet is not an option!

[Curmudgeon]

encourage gentle - say it gently, show him at the time how to stroke gently / play gently and give him lots of praise for it

intervene immediately you see it heading in the wrong way and encourage better and gentler play or distract with something else

he's far too young to go over it again later IMO

[susyp]

i had this problem. the only thing I have learnt in hindsight is that had I always removed her from whereever when she was rough - ie go home - she may have learnt not to do it again. Had a biting thing earlier this year and she did at at a friend's BBQ and I was so mad I took her straight home and put her to bed at 5pm - leaving all her friends. She never did it again - after a year of rough behaviour - I wished I'd done it before. Still not there on the behaviour front (I have another post on this issue up!) but at least she isn't rough anymore! I think some children are more prone to it. At least he is a boy. The looks I used to get with a girl doing it ....

Susypx

[cuppa tea]

We're going through this. Son No.2...so at least I've been there before! A few tips I have picked up that may or may not work!:

- Don't talk too much. They just tune out your voice in long explanations. At 2 I would just look them in the eye and say "no", or "stop"..and "gentle" firmly, not aggressively or angrily. (hard to do!)

- Shadow him and watch for the signs of when he is about to do something so that you can prevent it before it happens. (Not always possible...especially if you have a baby due soon, but prevention is far better than sorting out the aftermath.)

- Stick to environments where he can be rough and boisterous without the risk of hurting other children. Do lots of play wrestling at home and letting him push you over etc. Make him feel big and strong!

- Mix with understanding, non-judgmental friends who have children who are also boisterous and less fragile/sensitive.

- if it's all getting too much take him home. Not so much in a punishment way, but if it's no longer enjoyable for anyone there really isn't much point.

Son 1 really took it out on younger children after I had my second child. It was jealousy I think, but perhaps they also go through this stage. My youngest totally thinks it's a game. He can feel powerful pushing kids over. I don't think it's malicious. It's worth remembering that they grow up. Each day they are older and closer to understanding it all. My eldest really doesn't get in so many scrapes now. I couldn't see an end to it at the time, but he is turning into a lovely vibrant mischievous little man :) We still mix with other lively kids though.

[Sanne Panne]

I'm with susyp on this one, I think there are perfectly gentle ways to say "no" that don't traumatise your child and will keep him/her from scaring/hurting other children (especially babies for whom there is no "well, being hit on the head is part of life, get used to it" kind of lesson). I personally believe that leaving immediately is the best thing. You don't need to shout, don't need to tire yourself, your child and all the other parents with the "gentle repetition of the same thing" (and/or long talks at night) that I think is ineffective for boisterous behaviour.

I think just leaving instantly will sort the problem out much, much sooner than the "no Marcus, strooooke the baby" approach. Shouting and other angry behaviour will probably only make a boisterous toddler more aggressive and I already talked about talking ;) And you don't need to be isolated, I think being strict a handful of times could sort the problem. And there are always the (smaller scale and more controllable) playdates with mums you know that are more tolerant of the phase your child is going through.

Just my opinion of course.

[EmilyE]

I'd go with a combination of the above. Definitely show the right way to handle a baby and explain - he's very little, you have to be very gentle - and praise extensively when correctly done, but also remove him from any situation where he doesn't behave appropriately, whether that be just taking him outside for a few minutes or leaving the party.

I think he's old enough to understand that, but agree with the others that going on about well after the event may well be counter-productive; you don't want to end up in a situation where he gets more attention from you for being naughty...

And definitely hang out with the more tolerant mums - one mum managed to make me feel miserable for a lot of the day recently when my (20 month old) son pulled her daughters hair. (I apologised, told him off, he kissed the girl- to say sorry, mother totally ignored me...)

[Lochie]

Thanks for the tips - yes I do think immediate action is right and removing from situation best. I've spoken to the health visitor who was at one of the play groups and she suggests same thing. Because I am very heavily pregnant I do find it hard at the moment to drag a large toddler unwillingly away though, I think that is why I've tried to avoid it in the main but know its the best way.

Susyp and Emily E - totally sympathise about moody unforgiving mums, it can really ruin your day and it ends up making me want to say something along lines of 'well of course your child is an angel all the time isn't s/he' but I end up doing the right thing and walking away quietly. At the other end of the spectrum I do think so highly of mums that acknowledge your apology and empathise/laugh about the situation, such a small gesture but so much appreciated!

[gwod]

I think that this sort of behaviour is often about getting your undivided attention....and of course the kids are right - at a busy toddler group while the mums are talking to each other, being a bit rough with a baby is a very effective way to ensure your mum comes straight over and talks directly to you, at your level! For this reason I think it is important to remove them from the room, maybe just to the corridor or out into the street (to limit more damage) but remain very boring with few words exchanged so that the behaviour isnt rewarded - explain that toddler group is a place for people who are kind to each other and go back in when he/she is calm.

Good luck with it all. It will pass, and I bet he is much more careful at home with his new sibling as he will be away from the busy playgroup environment.

[BB100]

It is possible he is trying to tell you how he is feeling about your pregnancy. His curiosity with babies maybe becuase he can't understand where the baby is you keep talking about and is frustrated it is all taking a long time or maybe he's just taking an interest and checking 'what happens when I do this' to a baby. It is very possible he could be unhappy about all the baby talk and taking it out on all babies everywhere or maybe he has discovered that this behaviour gets your attention as gwod suggests. Who knows? The important thing is to reassure him about the new baby. You could do this by reading stories to get him prepared and buying a doll so he can practice being gentle (and will have something to take any frustrations out on)