No children wedding - dilemma

[amyw]

We had a similar issue when our baby was about 7 weeks old. They offered to make an exception for us but I said no as if they compromised for us they would have to do the same for others and they had enough wedding politics to worry about!

In the end we didn't make it,I was gutted to miss it but knew I couldn't leave my baby.

If your nanny can come then that's a good idea, I would definitely have done that if the baby could have been in the same hotel as the reception.

I agree with you re not taking the kids if they aren't really welcome. Someone brought a child to my (child free) wedding and it was a problem for us in various ways.

[theasidonio]

I am having a child free wedding and my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves. we simply cannot swallow the cost of all the children's meals (we are only getting a discount of ?8 per child under 12). (anyone who says it doesn't cost clearly hasn't had to plan a wedding recentley). We could invite less people so all the parent's could bring their kids but I'd rather have my grown-up friends there.

We've offended one parent out of about 18.

[sharls]

We had a no children request for our wedding except for breast feeding babies. I think it is quite acceptable to not have children at a wedding if that is what you want. We already had a child of one at the time and so many of our friends had babies. Everyone had a ball without their kids and the breast feeding Mums still felt welcome and accepted. It is possible to have it all.

[Otta]

theasidonio Wrote:

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> 'Selfish gits' is a bit much. What 'events' is it

> acceptable for kids to be excluded from?

>

> There are parents out there that do appreciate a

> bit of a break every now and then, a wedding is a

> special occasion that only happens once in most

> couple's lifetimes. It is not unreasonable to ask

> people to get a sitter for ONE evening!

If you want a sitter, and a child free night, fine. As a parent that is your decision. It's when other people decide to make the decision for you that I take exception to.

[Belle]

I don't really have a problem with it, it's not what we did when we got married but I respect the couple's choice to do the day their way - as long as they respect their guests' prerogative to not attend if the rule makes life difficult for them. The first time I encountered it (also pre kids) I was quite shocked, but I've been to quite a few now so more used to it. I probably wouldn't have known about the bfing issue pre babies, though as I say we welcomed kids to our wedding...if for whatever reason I had gone for a child-free day, I'd hope any friends in that situation would have approached me to explain, and then exceptions could be made. For me weddings are really about families and all ages, but as I say I do totally get that it's up to the individual. And as it happens I relish the chance to let my hair down at weddings sans children - we left my then 9 mth old for two nights for a wedding and we had a great time, but I know not everyone would feel comfortable with that.

We had a situation when I was pregnant with my second when our babysitting arrangements for a child free wedding fell t hrough - so in the end I went on my own. I've done one wedding with my older son since he reached toddlerhood and it was b****y hard work, would not want to repeat it if I possibly could, till he is a lot older! After about 2yrs old, I think weddings are really hard work for the parents and children, unless the couple getting married can afford to really make provision for the kids - and no reason why they should. I did see this done really well at a wedding we went to in France last year, ironically without our toddler! I remember being quite annoyed at my own wedding that a mum came up to me as we were about to be announced at our reception asking for a highchair. She asked and then said 'oh you look lovely, anyway is there one?' - I did feel frankly parents shd have checked beforehand or brought travel highchairs. I still feel like that now, after children.

[Belle]

Just realised have rambled and not addressed the OP's question.

Was a bit confused as it sounded like they'd made an exception - but then said not to bring the kids to the ceremony or the reception?? so isn't that the same as saying they're not invited or am I missing something? I do totally agree with previous posters that if you don't feel comfortable, you shouldn't go - but bear in mind that it's a way off, and you may be more comfortable with the idea then? You doln't have to decide just yet...

[Ruth_Baldock]

Cuppatea, I can really empathise with "breastfeeding Mums are not acceptable to most people..."

I am attending a wedding which my children have been invited to and have been TOLD, not asked, that there will be a seperate room for me to nurse my daughter in. The reason? "THAT will make my guests uncomfortable".

Well. Great.

[bluesuperted]

That is outrageous Ruth. I BF my then-9 month old and 11month old last year at two weddings and received only positive attention. Cue lots of cooing Grannies etc, think it's a very appropriate sight at a wedding as many marriages do end up producing children, so I have heard...

[theasidonio]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> Cuppatea, I can really empathise with

> "breastfeeding Mums are not acceptable to most

> people..."

>

> I am attending a wedding which my children have

> been invited to and have been TOLD, not asked,

> that there will be a seperate room for me to nurse

> my daughter in. The reason? "THAT will make my

> guests uncomfortable".

>

> Well. Great.

doesn't having a separate room mean you'll have privacy? I'm just asking!

[amydown]

Thank you for all the posts. Interesting to read everyone's thoughts and experiences. Personally, I love children and babies at weddings and had toddlers and babies at ours. However, I do understand why some people might not be keen. Just a case of feeling like we really have to attend the wedding but finding the no children bit a bit of a logistical nightmare and the "permission" being offered rather difficult to swallow because of the tone it has taken.

Belle, the bit about the ceremony and reception was communicated by the groom's mum to my mother in law who also said to my mother in law that we were "lucky" to get an invite seeing as we were the only people bringing kids to the wedding. The couple gave us permission by exception and then the actual invitation arrived addressed to just me and my husband. When we called to double check, the answer was "yes, that's fine but there won't be any provisions made (which we are fine with), the hotel isn't aware of any kids coming, and put it this way, there won't be any other kids there". I think there might be one other breastfed baby actually.

The groom's mother's comments really got me worked up because although a very long-standing and close friend for husband, and whilst a special day for the bride and the groom, I don't think they should take their guests for granted (goes for any wedding and any guests). Obviously we want to be there to celebrate their marriage but quite frankly, at this stage, I feel like we are begging to be allowed to join them. We are already spending a sum close to ?1k with stag do, travel, wedding gift and hotel room and that's before the additional childcare costs.

The posts have been really helpful as I hadn't really considered the possibility of mastitis or blocked duct. Just never been gone for that long with my first whilst breastfeeding! It is in Winchester so now I'm thinking whether I could come back in the evening on the train....

[fapl]

I know it is up to each individual couple what to do and who to invite to their wedding day, but I feel really sad that people would want to get married and not have children around. If you are worried about cost, choose a less expensive venue. It is too much about the wedding day and the photos. It should be about declaring to your family and friends you are serious about your partner and want to enter into a lifelong union with them. Throughout a marriage there will be tough times when you need family and friends around you, and those families and friends have children. It is not surprising divorce is so common when there is this sort of attitude around weddings.

I also feel it is really arrogant to say you want your guests to get a baby sitter so they can have a good time. I have a great time with my children around thank you very much. I wouldn't be going anywhere without my 3 month old at the moment, and I wouldn't even want to go to a wedding without my 3 year old to be honest, he is usually the life and soul of the party and brings joy to many people (and if he doesn't behave we take him outside so as to minimise bother to other people).

My husband has gone to one wedding without me where children were not allowed, and it does make me feel I do not share the same values as these 'friends'.

[amyw]

Hope you find a solution amydown. Sensible suggestion from someone above to give it a couple of months and see how you feel.

Just a quick one to say don't judge people for having a no kids policy. It's not arrogance or a bad attitude to exclude kids. Although its fair to say if a couple doesn't have kids when they get married they are likely less aware of how hard it is to go kids free. There are a lot of reasons why a particular venue might be chosen and numbers restricted and it's not always cost. The hardest thing about weddings can be juggling the different expectations of family while still trying to stay sane. I could provide a host of examples from my own weddings but that's not what the thread is about!

I would have loved a load of kids at the wedding but had to settle for the hilarious sight of my flower girls rolling down the hill in their party frocks much to the horror of their mother who changed them into shorts and teeshirts pronto!

[theasidonio]

fapl Wrote:

(and if he doesn't behave we take him

> outside so as to minimise bother to other

> people).

>

If only all parents were like you fapl. Couldn't count the amount of weddings and other functions that I've been to where some of the parents let their kids run riot in the church and reception. The last wedding I went to, one mum let her 4 year old slide up and down the dancefloor when the bride and groom were having their first dance. In fact, I recall she thought it was funny. You cannot guarantee that all parents will be as thoughtful as you.

[theasidonio]

amyw Wrote:

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>

> Just a quick one to say don't judge people for

> having a no kids policy. It's not arrogance or a

> bad attitude to exclude kids. Although its fair to

> say if a couple doesn't have kids when they get

> married they are likely less aware of how hard it

> is to go kids free. There are a lot of reasons why

> a particular venue might be chosen and numbers

> restricted and it's not always cost. The hardest

> thing about weddings can be juggling the different

> expectations of family while still trying to stay

> sane. I could provide a host of examples from my

> own weddings but that's not what the thread is

> about!

Agreed!

[Belle]

Yes, I was at a wedding once where the woman next to me let her toddler bang cutlery off wine glasses all through the speeches, so I couldn't hear a word of them - that DID annoy me, in my book if your child is noisy at an inappropriate point you remove them. We kept our son quiet during the speeches at a wedding last year as long as we could (feeding him sweets basically) and as soon as he started making noise my husband took him out.

[amydown]

And I would absolutely go outside at the first sign of noise by toddler and baby. Went to a funeral with then 1.5 year old and a wedding when same toddler was 2 years old and both times, all went smoothly with me and husband keeping a close eye on him. Would feel so tense if I felt that people were waiting for us to slip up though.

[minder]

Just read the thread from beginning to end again and noticed that somebody will be excluding 0 to 18 year olds from their wedding.

If I couldn't take my 3 teenagers to a wedding then I wouldn't go.

[Ruth_Baldock]

Privacy, perhaps. But I don't need privacy in a side-room. I have, and will continue, to feed my baby whenever/wherever and being told I must do this behind closed doors is extremely offensive. Also, if a cafe owner or whatever did that, it would be against the law.

Suffice to say, I won't be scuttling off to feed my daughter, tyvm.

[gebbjane]

We have been invited to a kids free wedding next month, we were on the verge of declining the invite. The wedding is on a Sunday win Berkshire, we have no family near by who we can leave our 21 month old with, there are a couple of friends she would probably be ok staying with but both those have to go to work on the Monday so not possible and no nanny we could bring with us. In the end the bride to be turned round and said we could bring our daughter as she would rather we were there to celebrate her big day than not at all. She will be one of two children allowed, saying that will remover her from ceremony and speeches if all she wants to do is run around.

[theasidonio]

Ruth_Baldock Wrote:

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> Privacy, perhaps. But I don't need privacy in a

> side-room. I have, and will continue, to feed my

> baby whenever/wherever and being told I must do

> this behind closed doors is extremely offensive.

> Also, if a cafe owner or whatever did that, it

> would be against the law.

> Suffice to say, I won't be scuttling off to feed

> my daughter, tyvm.

Have you told the bride and groom you don't need the room? I hope they won't be too upset.

[Chippy Minton]

If you want a sitter, and a child free night, fine. As a parent that is your decision. It's when other people decide to make the decision for you that I take exception to.

You take exception! It's their wedding and they're inviting you - you're not entitled to attend!

However, when people try and say I can't take my kids into public places which don't require an invitation, such as pubs, now that's where I take exception ;-)

[theasidonio]

Chippy Minton Wrote:

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> If you want a sitter, and a child free night,

> fine. As a parent that is your decision. It's when

> other people decide to make the decision for you

> that I take exception to.

>

> You take exception! It's their wedding and they're

> inviting you - you're not entitled to attend!

>

> However, when people try and say I can't take my

> kids into public places which don't require an

> invitation, such as pubs, now that's where I take

> exception ;-)

Chippy, I wholeheartedly agree with you.

[Otta]

#You take exception! It's their wedding and they're inviting you - you're not entitled to attend!

Inviting me, but telling me my child isn't welcome. I'd rather not get the invite.

However, when people try and say I can't take my kids into public places which don't require an invitation, such as pubs, now that's where I take exception winking smiley

Have I ever said that? I don't understand why people would want to sit in a pub for hour after hour with their kids, and I think it's inappropriate in the late evening, but different folks...

[dulwichgirl2]

It is obviously the height of bad manners to behave in a way that makes others feel uncomfortable and that goes for a number of situations and comments on this thread. Think about it.

Thinking back to our wedding may I suggest that, if you don't like the scenario being offered, don't go. Don't attend and think you are so special you can act differently from what has been provided. (I am particularly thinking of guests asking for special food, as some fool dared to demand at my wedding!)

[Pickle]

We didn't have kids at the evening part of our wedding. We were more than happy for them to be at the ceremony but not at the reception. The children who had travelled with their parents to be at the wedding (in NZ) were catered for by way of a babysitter that we arranged and paid for, and their parents were more than happy with it as it meant they could relax and have a grown up evening.

Older kids at the evening part of a wedding dont bother me, but I can think of nothing worse than overtired toddlers running round at 11pm being exposed to adults who have been on the bubbles all day!

Tiny babies, sure, different situation altogether.