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Dear Michael,


I think you will in fact find that it is a picture of you dressed up as a laydee, and the caption should read something along the lines of; "Please Michael, would you wash your pits and use some lifeguard? The overpowering stench of cabbage is terrifying the livestock"

*fades in*

*Looks around at the festive decoration*

*Looks down at himself. Still in black and white and not looking very festive*

*Steps out of black and white and hangs it up on the coat rack for future use*

*Emerges from his retro folly, resplendent in a red jumper embroidered with snowflakes, bobble hat, green tweed plus-fours and black patent leather hobnails.*

*Takes up Waterford Crystal pint pot and fills it with port from the decanter.*

*Shakes left boot to dislodge Bat dog?s amorous attentions*

*Pulls up a chair by the fireplace*

*Opens a leather bound book: ?The Complete Dialogues of Plato?*

*Starts reading a copy of ?Judge Dredd vs. Lobo: Psycho-Bikers vs. The Mutants From Hell? hidden between the pages*

*Slides in, feeling "blue". Eyes light up with the warm glow of the open fire and the fairy lights*

*feels spirits lifting already*

*notices Brendan, looking the part, reading Plato*

*poor guy is smirking - the text is obviously too difficult for him*

*opens the no.11 window on the Advent Calender since nobody else has bothered*

*....what? a pile of sherbert fountains - yippee!*

*Gets halfway through a wolf whistle before remembering himself and cutting it short*

*Blimey that?s just brought back a boyhood memory of the year the Vicar?s wife played Mrs Claus in the Christmas Charity Play*

*Shifts around uncomfortably in his chair*

*Wipes mince pie and sherbet from his jumper and refills crystal pint pot with port*

*Offers decanter around*

*Tries to banish image of Keef and Dawn French from his mind*

*French... French.. Where have I seen that lately?*

*Spots a French horn*

*Unhooks the Super-Megatron Nuclear Space Blaster ? from its home above the fireplace*

*Sets dial 1 to Silent*

*Sets dial 2 to Sub Atomic Dystrophy*

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