Large Ants Backbone.

[bon3yard]

I know what your thinking, Ants are invertebrates right...well, not all of them. These Peruvian Titan Ants gradually evolved a backbone as their size increased to beyond a whopping 5 feet over the course of quite a long time. Hunted almost to extinction for their Fur which tasted of Liquorice, this Backbone is one of the last remaining examples available for private sale. A snip at 6 monkeys. I await your response.

[Domitianus]

Put me down for a dozen....and a large bottle of whatever you are on!

[Michael Palaeologus]

I believe Dulwichmum has a hadbag made from the scrotum of one of them. Bit it off herself she did.

[Brendan]

I would be very careful if I were you. The sale of any Titan Ant body parts (this includes those of the Peruvian ?vertebrate?* variety) is in contrevention of the Penge Treaty that was signed in the WG Grace pub in 1977 to guard against the trade in unlikely animals, mostly because of the danger of this leading to unnecesary idiocy.

*This is still disputed in some scientific circles who believe that the ?backbone? was in fact a psychosomatic physical manifestation of the ants? belligerent character. This hypothesis is supported by reports from hunters who came back from expeditions with stories of ants that when threatened would arch their backs displaying spiny vertebra and mutter, ?bugger offo gringo.?

[SteveT]

Backbone of any description should be at a premium Bon3yard.

When one scrutinises our politicians and journalists who seem determined to ignore vital issues, six monkeys is a ludicrously inappropriate price to pay for an increasingly rare, and seldom used, commodity.

It must be worth a coshel of breeding snow leopards or at the very least a pantechnicon of pandas.

[HonaloochieB]

Six monkeys? Faack orf.

Three grand for an ant's backbone? I should coco.

Give you two.

Tops.

[HonaloochieB]

Unless of course you missed a 'U' between the 'A' and the 'N'.

If that's the case, then of course three grand's back on the table.

[SteveT]

For the none cockney posters:

Monkey=?500

Nifty ?50

cockel or cock and hen ?10

carpet ?4

[HonaloochieB]

SteveT Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> For the none cockney posters:

> Monkey=?500

> Nifty ?50

> cockel or cock and hen ?10

> carpet ?4

Nice one Stevie. Sweet as.

[Annasfield]

Nutters

[SteveT]

Pony ?25

for Annasfield as s/he is really a closet cockney and obviously, by reading between the lines of the succinct post, wanted to know more of this stuff;-)

[mockney piers]

Is somebody blatantly trying to compete with Azul here?

How's your beard Bon3yard?

[Ants]

I used to have a backbone...

[Ant]

This thread worries me somewhat. And also, who's that up there only one letter different from me!? Woe! This will lead to all sorts of confusion.

[dulwichmum]

Michael Paleproctologis - you shall have a good kicking the next time I see you lurking outside the Co-op chemist on Lordship Lane...

[Ants]

That's right, there's a new Ants in Dulwich and he's onto you...

[SteveT]

Ant wrote: This thread worries me somewhat.

Looks like you've pulled, Ant.

Ants being on to you n'all.

There'll be an anthill on here before we can turn round.;-)

[pablogrande]

Please do not be conned into parting with any money to this charlatan and his Titan Ant backbones, less than 2 years, but greater than 27 days ago I won an eBay auction where I had bid 5 monkeys and half a stoat for what was described as the only example of it's kind left not to be owned by Isla St Clair

Three weeks after winning the auction the said 'backbone' arrived. All seemed well to my untrained eye, the backbone was mounted on a carved wooden plinth on which its Latin name inscribed (in biro). For the whole of that summer my home was the hottest place to be in town, partially because I lived above a bakery and my windows had been nailed shut, but mainly because of my prized Fakir Titanus Hugantus. I was on first name terms with many of the rich and famous, including Cher, Bono and Sting, the latter and his wife never failed to impress the crowds with their 'biggest sting bone in the room' gag, oh how we laughed as he dropped his pants for the eighty seventh time.

Then autumn arrived and with it a visit from my friend who worked for the Natural History museum, an expert in crustaceans, arthropods and cross-dressing bingo. On her arrival I stood back awaiting her admiration and praise and allowed her to remove the velveteen covering herself. She let out a loud hysterical screech, which melted into unstoppable laughter ?you idiot I can?t believe you could be fooled into paying good money for this! ?

It transpired that in the early nineteen eighties David Attenborough?s famous scenes of frolicking in the jungle with Gorillas had been faked in a disused car spraying garage in Forest Hill. Unknown to David and his crew that the residue of a paint used for Ford Cortinas (Varicose blue) bore the same chemical properties of the scent secreted by female gorillas during the mating season. All was going well until the heat of the camera lights caused a small reaction in the paint and an even larger reaction in the gorillas. I don?t think I need to go into greater detail suffice to say the gorillas insatiable sexual apatite could only be tamed by promises of a 3 caramacs and a strawberry calipo (and please Google sort it out kids could be innocently searching for the frozen chemical based iced treat)

Twelve days later (the human/gorilla hybrid gestation period is very short) David gave birth to a Goriliman. Forced into hiding David had to think of a way to provide for this hairy beast (from the age of 14 he could be set into the wild, which he was and carved a career presenting football shows on Sky) He gathered around the greatest scientific minds of his generation, Steven Hawking, Carol Voderman and that bloke off of the Krypton Factor and together they forged a cunning plan???????to be continued

[Michael Palaeologus]

This is why feel so at home on the Forum.

[Brendan]

So it happened to you too eh Pablo...