a joke

[Lost Yorkshire Man]

Two old ladies chatting.

One said to her friend, "whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat".

And the other one said............

I wondered where you got them.

[Lost Yorkshire Man]

After training one morning, Kenny noticed a dog pooing on the pitch. So he shouted to a colleague, what's that turd doing on the pitch.

To which, Andy Carroll piped up, saying "I thought I'd put in a bit of extra training boss".

[Captain Scarlet]

HE,He,He,He,He,Ha,Ha,HaB)

[Captain Scarlet]

A friend called round last night, while

we were drinking coffee and chatting

he mentioned that he had been to

the cinema to see "The iron lady", he

told me it was a brilliantly scripted,

wonderfully acted, fantastically set

movie that he would recommended

to any one and was well worth

watching even though it has a sad

and tragic ending

.

She lives

[Captain Scarlet]

Man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for the wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from ?50 to ?150 in price, the more

see-through, the higher the price; he opts for the sheerest item, pays the ?150

and takes the lingerie home.

Presents it to the wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well

be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get

a ?150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

[Captain Scarlet]

NEWS FLASH: Elton John Has applied for the vacant

England Managers job after hearing two of the forwards

were Young and Bent!

[Captain Scarlet]

Well,lets be honest,Fabio Capello isn't the

first Italian to abandon a sinking ship.

[Captain Scarlet]

After landing myself in Jail...........I spent the first 4 hours getting relentlessly bummed...........i think my dad takes monopoly far to seriously..!!!!!!!!!

[Captain Scarlet]

Bloke walks into a pub with a newt on his shoulder, says; "a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps for tiny please" barman says: "why do you call him tiny?"

"well, he's my newt"

[Salsaboy]

I heeded Government advice;

'Anyone travelling in icy conditions should take the following:- shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (scarf, hat, gloves.) 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can,1st aid kit, jump leads...!

I felt such a tosser on the bus this morning!!

[El Pibe]

My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my obsession with Clint Eastwood.

"Go ahead" I said "make my day!"

[Captain Scarlet]

Lost the dog while out last night, and spent 2 hours wandering round looking for him.

My wife said I should look harder! So today I shaved my head and got a tattoo, but I still can't find the feckin dog!

[Captain Scarlet]

Barman is locking up at the end of a busy Christmas Eve. There's a knock on the door and he opens it to find a tramp standing there.

'Got any cocktail sticks mate?' says tramp.

Barman hands one over and off the tramp goes. Then there's another knock on the door, another tramp asks for a cocktail stick.

Soon there's a third knock at the door, barman opens it to find yet another tramp. 'Got any straws mate?' says tramp no 3.

Barman gets a straw and as he hands it over asks 'why don't you want a cocktail stick like the others?' tramp says 'Somebody has been sick on the pavement but all the lumpy bits have gone!'

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

My Girlfriend just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine?s Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then.

Not sure where I am sleeping tonight

[Dopamine1979]

A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she is walking down the high street and suddenly 3 bank robbers come charging out of the bank wearing ski masks. The police arrive shortly afterwards and a shoot-out ensues. The pregnant woman is shot 3 times in the belly. She goes to hospital and luckily all is well and she later gives birth to 3 healthy babies ? 2 girls and a boy.......

16 years later the woman is sitting in her living room when one of her daughters comes to her crying. When asked what is wrong she explains to her mum that she was having a wee and a bullet fell out into the toilet. Her mum thinks back to the bank robbery and explains to her daughter that a bullet must have been lodged inside her bladder for all of these years and finally come out naturally.

The following day, she walks in on her second daughter who is also in tears. She tells her mum that the same thing has happened to her. Her mum again reassures her as to the explanation for this.

The following week she walks into her 16 year old son?s bedroom and he is also overcome with grief.

?Let me guess,? says his mum ?You were having a wee and a bullet fell into the toilet??..........

?No? replies her son ?I was having a w~~k and I shot the dog!?

[Jah Lush]

What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked on Valentines Day?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

[El Pibe]

I gather Rupert Murdoch is said do be deeply touched by the messages of condolence left on Whitney's voicemail.

[Salsaboy]

My girlfriend said to me 'as it's Valentines night, can we try a different position?'

'Ok' says I, so we ended up with her sitting on the sofa watching the football and drinking lager and me doing the ironing.

[Captain Scarlet]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.

[Captain Scarlet]

A girlfriend sends text to her boyfriend...

If you are sleeping....send me your dreams

If you are laughing....send me your smile

If you are crying.....send me your tears

Bloke responds:

I'm having a shit

What do i do?

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An elderly couple is attending Mass....

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband , 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

boom boom

[Ridgley]

Very Good:))

[Bluerevolution]

My mate said he's going to do voluntary work in the new year. I said "I wouldn't do that if you paid me."