a joke

[East Dulwich Angst]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[ladida]

my wife and I were married in a toilet, it was a marriage of convenience!

[KalamityKel]

Sex Education:

An extract from a sex education school textbook for girls printed in the early 60's in the UK and written by a woman.

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep. As this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels the need to sleep immediately then so be it. Should your husband suggest congress then agree to it humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches the moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register your reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair products. You may then set the alarm so that you may arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready for when he wakes.

[ladida]

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head, Alarmed, the shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks' says the blind man. 'Just looking'

Tommy Cooper

[KalamityKel]

hehe!

[georgia]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty

blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring

at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you

are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of

infidelity and says 'F**king hell are you the bird I

shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and

your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

[KalamityKel]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Today, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.ow send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to k

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ?....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ?.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[AnotherPaul]

Men are like? not amused

hehe

[georgia]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.' 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''

[Annasfield]

Ha ha >:D

[bagpuss78]

Man walks into a pub and the barman says to him, "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants. That must be painful." The man replies "Yeah, it is. It's driving me nuts!"

[bagpuss78]

The Genius of Peter Kay:

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem"?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new

bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one

and asked him to forgive me.

3) My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing

her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my

father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get

my wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my

step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any

time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of

different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and

stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!

From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which

is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good

partner,you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should

be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they

made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the

way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first

thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the

freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through

mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the

toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the

time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

13. What do you call male ballerinas?

14. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is

made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are

over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they

tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet

Soup?

19. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets

mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his

head out of the window?

[georgia]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! .

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi'.

[Jah Lush]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[KalamityKel]

::o Good God!!!

[Jah Lush]

How To Make A Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined!

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

3. Bring Beer!!!!

[KalamityKel]

I thought a "blow job" was also a necessity for bloke too? :-|

[Jah Lush]

If you say so KK. I'll take your word for it.

[KalamityKel]

twas sumfink I heard man!

[Marmora Man]

Jah,

you have food & beer in the wrong order!

[spadetownboy]

apparantly gazza was asked if he wanted to manage newcastle prior to keegan getting the job.

he replied "i might be mad,but im not that fucking mad."

[Jah Lush]

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye huvany books on suicide?" The librarian looks up and says,"F*ck off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

[Mark]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[spadetownboy]

the bin man is out doing his rounds ,on coming to the last house he notices they havnt put the bin out,so as hes in a particularly good mood he decides to knock and ask for the bin so he can empty it.

the door is opened by a japanese bloke.

"wheres your bin",askes the binman.

" i,ve bin on the loo",replys the japanese boyo.

"no,no,wheres your dustbin"

"i,ve dustbin on the loo".

"ok",sighs the binman " wheres your wheelie bin".

the jap smiles and replies "ok,ok you got me i,ve wheelie bin having a wank".

[KalamityKel]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"