Experience of coming out to be Bi (Lounged)

[*Bob*]

They did

[Rico]

Ewwww

[James]

I used to sleep with women only, now I only sleep with men. You could say that my sexuality shifted; I tend to believe that I was in denial as from a young age I was brought up to believe that being gay was "not for me" (as if I had a choice!) Many gay men I know think bisexual men are just too scared to commit fully to being gay! As if by still fancying women, they retain the right not to be "emasculated" by society. They can still claim a stake in masculinity, so to speak.

I'm keeping an open mind as I've never met a genuine bisexual (only the odd silly attention-seeking women who I'm pretty sure was straight).

[mockney piers]

I'm pretty sure my mum's a heterosexual who fell gave up on men after some pretty rubbish relationships and happened to fall in love with a woman. I don't know what the makes her, can you be hetero and yet drink exclusively from the furry cup so to speak?

[Rico]

I guess enough abuse or enough pints will lead many to cross the line.

Though I think there is actually a difference in being gay/lesbian and having the odd sexual experience with the same sex. James, does that make sense?

[Keef]

I used to have a mate at uni who was gay, but who had brought more than one girl back to halls. One day whilst chatting to him I asked if he was bi, and his answer will stay with me forever.

(in broad Yorkshire but quite camp accent)

"No, I'm totally gay, I just fancy a bit of fanny sex sometimes"!

What does one say to that? :-S

[Rico]

My uni flatmate, who I think is 'totally straight' but would have sex with anyone: 'Friction is friction'

[James]

Lol

In response to Rico and Keef, I reckon there is a spectrum - some gay men I know (my boyfriend, for example) are as revolted by the idea of women's bits as many a straight man is by another man's! I have a mate who's a straight lad from Yorkshire, hard as nails (he is a reformed gang member who's been in jail). He is refreshingly honest about things for a straight bloke - he once told me he thought a toned man's naked body was a beautiful thing to look at, like a work of art - if anything more so than a fit woman's body. All the same, he just didn't fancy men, period - there was no spark for him. It was nice to hear this compared with the usual "men's bodies are so gross" thing you get from lots of straight blokes (trying to prove they're not gay).

I personally am not revolted by women at all and would never say never... although I have to say I don't ever fantasise about women and their bodies just don't turn me on the way men's do.

[James]

By the way, no jokes about what may have happened to my mate in jail please. Lol

[Moos]

So... maybe it depends on how you define gay?

My instinctive response to you James is to say that if you do or have enjoyed sex with women and also do and have enjoyed sex with men, then you are bisexual. But you might quite understandably turn round to me and say No, I'm gay - I define myself as gay, and therefore I'm gay.

Does that make sense?

[Rico]

Of course the whole point of the gay rights movement, and for that matter any similar movement, is to say 'my sexuality doesn't matter, it doesn't define me'. It's about making a BIG issue of something so that eventually (the end game) it will no longer be an issue.

So arguably, we simply define 'sex' and not the person. 'Gay sex' (same gender) 'straight sex' (opposite) but eventually just 'sex'. As for people, they are just people. Not defined by 'sex*'.

*if allowed in their tenancy agreement, of course

[James]

Rico, I'm not sure I totally agree with this because unlike, say, race, your sexuality is not immediately apparent. Although some would say that it makes it easier for gay people as they can choose to hide it, I would argue the opposite. We live in a time where oppressive regimes and fundamentalist churches still preach gay hate. Widespread homophobia is rife in places as close to home as Liverpool! This means that we have to keep reminding certain sections of the straight community that we are here, normal and living among them. If we dissociate ourselves from our sexual preference it just adds more grist to the mill of their silly ideas about homosexuality being a lifestyle choice rather than an identity.

Btw Moos I would definitely say that I'm gay!

[lozzyloz]

Should Bi-sexual people have their own bars?

[Rico]

Every bar is bi-sexual around 11pm onwards...

[Bellenden Belle]

I liked your story James about your friend admiring other men's bodies but remaining a firm heterosexual. It defines the difference nicely.... I often find myself mesmorised by other women (Maggie Gyllenthal, Ute Lemper, Lyndsey Duncan are faves) and sometimes I think to myself - could I? would I? But it's just not there.... When I was younger I had very romantic notions about falling in love with a person rather than it being dictated by gender but I'm not sure I buy into that anymore. Mostly I think we all make a choice one way or another eventually.

I once dated someone who claimed his gay porn collection was the only manifestation of his "bisexuality"... it never quite rang true for me - although his next relationship was with a famous female porn star, I still suspect that one day he will come out and be much happier for it. (At the time his bisexuality worried me far less than the fact he kept his porn files in alphabetical folders.... it was just so, erm, anal!

I wonder if men are more likely to swing than women? As a gay friend recently described to me in a discussion about "meterosexuality" - it's all about orifices, innit? How terribly romantic....

t

[James]

Wow. Am always fascinated about women who tell me their boyfriends have dated men or have gay porn... I have never met a bloke like this!

The complex thing about sexuality for me is that whilst I believe 100% that it is something that we're born with there's also a spectrum AND I think there is a certain degree of fluidity to it.

It's interesting that you think men are more likely to swing BB - I've always thhought the opposite. Mainly because women have traditionally been more objectified and beautified in society whereas the idea of a man as a passive object to be admired was not acceptable. Moreover - two women kissing was seen as titillating where as two men kissing was somehow threatening and scary to straight men.

Now that men are being objectified more and more I think things are shifting. I know straight men who flirt shamelessly with gay men for example!

[*Bob*]

James Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

I know straight men who

> flirt shamelessly with gay men for example!

Why the exclamation mark?

[Bellenden Belle]

Ahhhh James - you probably haven't met that kind of man because mostly it's a well-kept secret. Certainly I stumbled on it quite by chance... it wasn't announced on our first date.

As for men being more likely than women... I guess it's because I think men are often more sexually driven than women (come on girls, shout me down!)... and at times can detach sex and emotional attachment more readily. And certainly I have heard plenty of tales from the world of cruising and cottaging to draw that conclusion.

[mockney piers]

Is it because they hide it under their vestements BB?

[Bellenden Belle]

Hee hee Mockney... well remembered.... but the sexuality of Catholic priests I believe is worthy of a discussion of its own...

And I have not looked under many of their vestements!:-$

[James]

James Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

I know straight men who

> flirt shamelessly with gay men for example!

Why the exclamation mark?

I dunno, maybe I was feeling a bit flamboyant?

Where were all the straight men with bisexual tendencies when I needed them!? Life is so unfair...

[david_carnell]

I'm still in awe of a man who has so much porn he needs to alphabetise it. Gay or straight, that deserves kudos!

I'm quite comfortable flirting with men or women, gay or straight, (provided I've had enough to drink). Whether they're as happy about it, I have no idea.

[*Bob*]

Human relationships are all about attraction.

So think of attraction between men as being on a sliding scale, with 1 being a firm handshake, 100 being a blowjob - and rugby players clocking-in at about 38.

It's about environment too. It was interesting (and entertaining) during the few years I was clubbing a lot with a large group of friends (with a hefty gay contingent) to see at the effect that a liberal, permissive and intoxicated atmosphere could have..

[Brendan]

So in the same way that walking is actually just controlled falling, socialising is just controlled fking.

[James]

While I was at University a straight mate (who was actually quite homophobic at times) would often want to kiss me when he was drunk (with tongues!) I always refused... mainly because I didn't fancy him.

I was a bit confused by it all. I also recall a party where I didn't know anyone. The (straight) blokes played a game that involved taking turns to whack each other on the bottom as hard as they could. They also went into the bathroom to 'compare dicks.' Again, I thought this was all extremely weird and sat it out!

Can any straight blokes shed any light on this? I am still a bit baffled by it all...