Kids out of control, au pair struggling

[slummymum]

Was in John Barnett on Sat with my two abominably behaved toddlers. Luckily there were two older kids - a boy and a girl aged may be 9 and 7 who were behaving even worse. The boy who had a scooter seemed to be being vile to the girl who was shrieking like a two year old. The au pair (I think) who was foreign (Polish?) seemed to really struggle with them and they were being rude to her. The staff at JB had to intervene to stop the kids fighting. Once out of the shop the older lad scooted off on his own across the road way way ahead of the others.

Like I said, my kids aren't exactly angels and I have also been an unhappy au pair so sorry if this is a snitchy post but if these were my kids and my au pair I would want to know what was going on.

[SteveT]

Most of the au pairs that I interviewed were either too immature and were still growing up themselves, or they could barely understand what you or the children were saying.

It seemed like taking on the responsibility of another child which you had to look after.

[trinity]

Whilst I agree that some au-pairs are not up to the job of looking after children I also think that at 9 and 7 the children ought to know how to behave. If they are acting like this then I would be reluctant to lay the blame entirely at the feet of the au-pair who may only have been looking after them for a few months and may have "inherited" badly behaved children.

If at that age they were behaving this badly I would look towards the parents and wonder why they had allowed this situation to build up.

Alternatively everyone could have been having an off day.

[Pickle]

I agree that by that age they should know better (or maybe I'm just living in hope that my kids will be well behaved at that age). Part of me feels sorry for kids that are with an au pair/nanny in the weekend... maybe the parents work weekends, but for our family weekends are time for the kids to spend time with parents, not carers. Maybe the kids were playing up because they would rather have been with Mum/Dad than in a shoe shop with the au pair?

[Cassius]

Are au pairs even meant to be looking after kids at the weekend? My understanding was that an au pair is in England to learn the language and looks after kids or does some housework in return for board and lodgings and a small amount of cash. They aren't meant to be a cheap alternative to a nanny or other full time childcare.

[Keef]

Exactly right! People take the piss.

[chuff]

We have an au-pair and have had for the past few years. Our kids are 3 and 6 and not angels either.

BUT the children are my responsibility ulitmately and I would not expect the au-pair to deal with bad behaviour to the extent that they feel out of control. Taking the kids for new shoes is a potentially explosive situation anyway and not something an au-pair should have to do. Why would the parents not take them themselves?

Treat your au-pair well and they in turn will genuinely care for your kids, who hopefully will behave nicely for the au-pair!

[Moos]

Judgywudgy was a bear.

[citizenED]

Thanks for that Moos.(?)

Generally what Chuff said, but this thread is based on conjecture from something someone observed. We don't know the circumstances. Perhaps parents at home part of week and work weekends, or, shock horror it was their anniversary and they took a much deserved afternoon off. (Stares into distance with longing)

[Moos]

OK, to be less childish in my response - and slightly to repeat what Citizen said - there's a definite sniff of sanctimoniousness and smugly enjoying judging others about this thread. It's just so easy to look down on other people's attempts at the difficult job of parenting, and when you don't even have any real information about it, frankly I find it distasteful. Perhaps the parents were ill. Or have other children who were ill and needed care. Perhaps they are in fact the worst parents in the whole wide world, and we should take their children away from them and feel good about ourselves. But what purpose does it serve to sit in holy judgement when we haven't a clue what's actually going on?

Well, I've just re-read my post and I'm massively over-reacting. But I'll let it stand and take the hits which I guess I'm going to get.

Edited because even in mid-strop I can't suggest that anyone was saying the kids should be taken from their parents. Clearly no-one was saying that and I'm not implying they were.

[chuff]

and of course shoe shopping is an absolute essential

(unless of course they didn't have any shoes that fit AND I know this is incredibly hypocritical of me who needs shoes on a regular basis but still)

Au-pairs are to help out, to be part of your family and learn something from their time here and are paid accordingly. Nannies however are experienced in childcare and are paid somewhat more and would probably be well equipped to deal with a tantrum in a shoe shop.

Don't blame the au-pair, blame the parents for allowing their children to treat their au-pair badly.

[Asset]

ooh, gosh. How do we know it was an au pair? Did she throw up her hands and say 'help, I'm only an au pair'. Maybe she was a nanny. Maybe she was a family friend - just because she had an accent instantly to assume she's an au pair is a little presumptious.

I'm with moos on this one.

[chuff]

well the original poster said she THOUGHT she was an au-pair and generally everyone replied with their thoughts about an au-pair position and what it should be.

As usual this has turned into a squabble which I for one am finding tiresome and is one of the main reasons I usually post here just to offer freebies etc.

ho hum

[Keef]

For my part (i.e. "Exactly right! People take the piss."), I wasn't making any comment about the parenting in this case, or parenting full stop. I do however agree with Cassius that people do use Au Pairs as cheap child care.

Then again, as Asset says, this may not have been an au pair.

[louisiana]

trinity Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Whilst I agree that some au-pairs are not up to

> the job of looking after children I also think

> that at 9 and 7 the children ought to know how to

> behave. If they are acting like this then I would

> be reluctant to lay the blame entirely at the feet

> of the au-pair who may only have been looking

> after them for a few months and may have

> "inherited" badly behaved children.

>

> If at that age they were behaving this badly I

> would look towards the parents and wonder why they

> had allowed this situation to build up.

I have seen parents and their own children in not dissimilar situations in LL shops.

[louisiana]

slummymum Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Was in John Barnett on Sat with my two abominably

> behaved toddlers. Luckily there were two older

> kids - a boy and a girl aged may be 9 and 7 who

> were behaving even worse. The boy who had a

> scooter seemed to be being vile to the girl who

> was shrieking like a two year old. The au pair (I

> think) who was foreign (Polish?) seemed to really

> struggle with them and they were being rude to

> her. The staff at JB had to intervene to stop the

> kids fighting. Once out of the shop the older lad

> scooted off on his own across the road way way

> ahead of the others.

> Like I said, my kids aren't exactly angels and I

> have also been an unhappy au pair so sorry if this

> is a snitchy post but if these were my kids and my

> au pair I would want to know what was going on.

It's parents who teach their children to treat others with respect. Not teachers. Not au pairs. Not friends of parents. All of these may help to shape how children behave, but only really if that is reinforced in the same direction by parents.

If a 10-yr-old girl (approx age) is hitting complete strangers repeatedly - something I recently witnessed - then there's something up in the family, which needs sorting out. That is not the responsibility of part-time helpers.

[Asset]

Yes, but the child might have been autistic or had some other problem that is not a reflection on anyone's parenting skills or an indication of something up in the family. Again, that is someone witnessing something and making judgements or assumptions without having the full facts. I think that was the point that moos was making and I was agreeing with. It's not a squabble, I see it as people having opinions and voicing them.

Personally I disagree with the assertion above that it is only the parents who teach children respect. Things like that are learned by being in social situations: peer group and being treated with respect by other adults than the parents.

[chuff]

Asset it does seem to me that nearly all threads end up with some sort of conflict. Apologies though if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick.

Yes there are lots of legitimate reasons for kids to seemingly misbehave but I think we are all a bit too soft with our children these days and many could do with a bit more discipline (spoken like a true old fart)

Mine included

Am shutting gob now

[Moos]

Chuff, I'm completely with you there. There was an interesting thread a few months ago on the forum about collective responsibility for raising children and some excellent points were made.

I'm sorry my post was a bit squabbly - I have to agree that it was. Still, I did mean it so I can't apologise. A general thread on children and children's behaviour... bring it on.

Mine of course is perfect, and didn't smack me in the face today at all.

[chuff]

and I didn't catch one of mine with two wotsits up the nostrils earlier!

I missed that thread moos, maybe we should start another one but I do have raging pmt so maybe in a few days when I am less likely to rant.

Coincidentally a close friend of mine has a child that repeatedly kicks and punches her when he doesn't get his own way. Apart from having tv watching rationed and being told 'don't do that', nothing else happens, no real punishment etc. I dread to think what will happen when he's older and bigger. I just hope he grows out of it for her sake otherwise she is going to have a really hard time. I actually tell him off more than they do which I know is wrong but I can't bear to watch him get out of control and lash out at her.

and just to finish off, my au-pair is fantastic and a brilliant companion for my kids in every way.

night

[Moos]

2 glasses of wine down and am giggling uncontrollably at the vision of the mini-chuff plus wotsits.

[slummymum]

Eeek - sorry if I have caused offence with this post - I'm not used to being a trouble maker!! Far from being sanctimonious - as my message points out my kids are appallingly behaved - I was just a bit concerned for the kids, the carer, everyone and wondered if anyone might know who they are so the parents get to know what happened. I guess the au pair/carer might have told them ....

I defo got impression that she was the au pair as the dad was in the shop initially and then he left and I got the idea he was leaving a very disgruntled party behind him. I wasn't paying much attention at that point.

BTW my toddler daughter can regularly be seen charging uncontrollably round Somerfield while I struggle with shopping and the other toddler in the buggy. Like I said nice change that it was someone else's kids misbehaving..!

[SteveT]

When I was a pain in the arse kid, before gravitating towards grumpy old manhood, it was my mother who disciplined us.

She was a one parent family with four kids and joke jobs working as a shop assistant or office cleaner.

However if my brother or myself misbehaved she would just look at us catching our eye, it was enough to stop us in our tracks, if we ignored the silent warning then sharp stinging pains would quickly follow, then we stopped misbehaving and frequently bawled loudly for sympathy from the crowd.

The next remark was 'if you don't stop that noise I shall give you something to cry for' and that would bring a snivelling silence.

We new the rules and if we embarassed her in any way, we did so at our peril. Sometimes we tested out the boundaries and were paid in full, quite right too.

When I look around at the behaviour of children having screaming tantrums in supermarkets I feel sorry for them, that the parent who should be in charge, was neglecting that childs cry for help.

Children pay us out in the fullness of time, for the way we choose to raise them.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Haha - my kids hate the 'I'll give you something to cry for' threat. Works a treat tho.

[Brendan]

I still remember very clearly being about 3 or 4 years old and thinking I would try it on with this crying and screaming thing. My dad picked me up, looked me in the eye and said, ?What?s going to happen now is you are going to get a hiding. The sooner you stop throwing a fit the sooner it will stop.?

I weighed up my options and quickly shut up.

He then gave me the option to tell him what was bothering me. Can?t remember what it was though.