advice please to help (male) friend suffering domestic abuse

[hellosailor]

I'm planning on ringing the National Domestic Violence Helpline as well but wondered whether any family roomers have advice..

I have a male friend who has always had a turbulent relationship with his partner, lots of intense rowing and dramatic bust ups over the years, but not actual violence at that point.

They now have a 2 year old child and since having the child, his partner has become physically abusive too. Very small stuff can make her fly off the handle, such as him arriving home from work 1/2 an hour later than she expects because he has been called into a last minute meeting.

She flies at him in a rage and hits him, gouges his arms, neck etc, so that he regularly has bruises and deep scratches and has a lot of scars on his arms. I found out recently the extent to which this was happening and also that she does it in front of the child, in fact, this week, she attacked him while he was actually holding the child, so when his head flipped forward in recoil, he actually bumped heads with the child quite hard so the child was bawling from that, quite apart from what he was observing.

If it wasn't for the child I think he would leave her, but he can't bear the idea of not living with the child, and also knows that she would be incredibly angry and vindictive if he were to leave and would try and prevent him from seeing the child. She is never particularly apologetic after one of these incidents, using the classic 'I've never been like this with anyone before so it must be you making me do it' routine. I think me and my partner are the only people who know about it and I'm just not sure what the right thing to do is?any advice very gratefully received

xx

[Saffron]

He needs to document absolutely everything. He has a very good case for primary custody should he choose to leave. If they're going to stay together, at the very least he needs to make their HV aware. Also if he's Southwark/Lewisham he can use SLAM to self-refer for personal or relationship counselling. So sorry your friend is going through this. Hope things will get better soon. xx

[cactus]

Oh dear, what a distressing situation for all concerned.

I suggest he try Southwark Advocacy and Support Service (SASS) for advice - 02076191365. They assist men and women

affected by domestic violence.

I agree with Saffron around your friend seeking relationship or individual counselling. Also the abuse must stop asap as witnessing domestic violence is a serious child protection concern and the infant is at risk of suffering emotional abuse if the situation doesn't change.

I hope things get better. x

[sillywoman]

This place might be able to help 'Sailor? http://www.mankind.org.uk It sounds so sad and awful for your poor friend. I'm, glad he's got you and sailorboy to talk to.

[EDmummy]

How awful for your friend. He's probably going to need some evidence for any custody battle, others will probably know more about what type of evidence is needed. Once your friend feels confident that he has the right evidence he needs to get out of there (again I will defer to others about whether he takes the child or not). My other observation from what you've described is that there may a chance that the mother may be suffering from PND. Both sides support.

[canela]

he needs to also raise concerns with doctor or health visitor. for possible safety of child as well as possible support for mother and for his own safety and legal case.

[hellosailor]

Thanks so much all for your replies, I'm going to call that organisation today Sillywoman. I fear my friend may be psychologically some way off documenting the abuse, getting together a case, talking to anyone, and is more at the 'just wanting it to stop' so they can all remain as a family stage. I don't know whether it is at all realistic to think this is a possibility? I have also wondered if it could be some sort of pnd, as it started after the birth of their child, but then I guess you often hear of people starting to be violent only after a certain time in a relationship, perhaps when they feel secure when they have married someone, had children etc, so it could also be that I suppose. But I have wondered if it could be some sort of chemical imbalance post childbirth etc

[Saffron]

Yes postpartum depression can include symptoms of extreme anger, but just to be clear, that is absolutely not an excuse for psychological or physical abuse.

Documentation need not be formal and can include e.g. emails, journal, or diary entries. If there is suspected postpartum depression, that is more reason for the HV/GP to be made aware. This type of extreme behaviour is unlikely to resolve spontaneously. Doing nothing will only facilitate the abuse. Whether or not your friend decides to stay in the relationship, the sooner he reaches out for some type of structured help the better the outcome is likely to be. xx

[Renata Hamvas]

Hi hellosailor, I'm saddened to hear that your friend is in such a distressing situation.

Please suggest to him to contact the SASS on 02075931290 or

http://www.solacewomensaid.org/get-help/southwark/

note, I know it says women's aid, but it's very much for men in your friends situation too.

Renata

[Otta]

Christ she sounds like a total psycho. I'd change the locks when she went out (without the child).

[Saffron]

If your friend's partner would be amenable to psychiatric evaluation, but would prefer to be seen privately, I can very highly recommend Dr Jeremy Pfeffer. He is a privately practicing psychiatrist with consulting rooms in Harley Street, contact tel. 02079 353878.

He has a multidisciplinary background with a specialty in psychiatry, and he is happy to work with NHS providers to help clients receive the best, most rapid treatment. Unless you're covered by insurance, expect to pay quite a steep consultation fee. I think I paid ?500+ around 4 years ago, when my severe postpartum depression got very badly mismanaged by the NHS*. After a single extensive consultation with Dr Pfeffer, he was able to write a letter to my NHS providers including diagnosis and professional recommendations for treatment. I was then able to get the rest of my treatment through the NHS. xx

*Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful people working in the NHS. But my NHS care providers at the time really dropped the ball by failing to diagnose me accurately, and making the matter worse by suggesting inappropriate treatment.

[Otta]

'I've never been like this with anyone before so it must be you making me do it'

I suspect someone with this attitude wouldn't be particularly amenable to psychiatric evaluation.

[Saffron]

Whatever your suspicions are, Otta, I offer the recommendation as much for any other readers who may be experiencing postpartum emotional disfunction, as for the OP.

And with all due respect to the couple in question herein, we're not getting the details of the situation from the couple themselves. Therefore we don't know what their motivation to stay together may/may not be. Plus whether or not they stay together as a couple, if one (or both) would desire private psychiatric support, then my recommendation is here.

While the idea of simply changing the locks is (darkly) humorous, it's not a constructive solution and could result in making the situation more unstable for the child involved. Although of course should you wish to change your own locks in the same scenario that is your perogative. xx

[Otta]

Well that's me told.

[Otta]

But just in case it needs clarification, I wasn't actually suggesting he changes the locks and leaves her suitcase on the doorstep. I've actually been in a pretty abusive relationship and it's shit.

Maybe this woman is suffering postpartum emotional disfunction, but there is actually a really good chance that she's just a wrongun.

[Otta]

Posted here in error.

[Saffron]

Fair enough. xx

[Robert Poste's Child]

Apologies for the late contribution but I don't often come into the Family Room.

Someone close to me is going through a milder version of this with her (female) partner. It's good advice to document everything as it's easy to let yourself forget once it's over and it's helpful to have a record, whatever he decides to do. If he won't, could you start documenting for him based on what he reports and what you see?

I'm not an expert but if it's an established pattern that has escalated from an already turbulent relationships then it's not going to get better on its own.

It sounds as though his partner is unstable (I mean that non-judgementally) and needs help, which may mean she isn't 100% responsible for her behaviour right now.

Understanding that may help him to take action as he may have to be the sole adult in the family for a while. I wonder if it would help to have a chat with him and get him to clarify what he wants? Whether he wants the relationship to continue or not, I would suggest you encourage him to call the police when she attacks him physically. That may be the shock she needs to admit she needs help, but horrible for him to do as it feels incredibly disloyal and he may fear her reaction. Perhaps he could also talk to her doctor about his concerns for her and the child, or could he talk to her parents/family?

The child's safety comes first and obviously it's not great for them to witness what's going on - including longer term as it will inform their idea of how relationships work. If they split up, a judge will assume 50/50 custody unless there's a good reason not to, and it sounds as though he may have a case for sole custody if he will document the evidence.