them were the days

[hellosailor]

Saw some frightening old photographs over the weekend taken on a school coach trip in the early 90's...who else remembers the following universal 'coach characters'

DRIVER: Had a badge telling you his name, so you could direct abuse personally while he sat in silence, reassured that the day he did commit suicide he'd take a busload of bast**** like you with him.

GADEGT GEEKS: You got a 'personal stereo' or digital Cassio watch for Christmas? You die, Mummy's boy!

BUS-MISSER: Thought it was cool to 'run away and never go back', then panicked and chased the coach out of the car park, suddenly realising the terror of being all alone in paedophilesville.

SINGING GIRLS: Girls saw the playing of pop cassettes as an important marking of territory. cue 10 minutes of bleating at the coach driver followed by La Isla Bonita for hours on rotation.

ARGUING OVER THE WINDOW SEAT: Actually started on the pavement as best friends who'd pledged to sit together subtly jostled to board the coach first. Then Aisle kid said something softly like 'I get sick i I can't see out of the window.' As his partner charitably moved aside this was followed by, 'haha, not really, twat.'

TALL KID: Tall kid always opened the skylight, more to demonstrate tallness than for ventilation. Swiftly followed by other tall kid shutting it again. Repeat to fade.

LUGGAGE RACK BOY: shoved up there by bullies. why? because he fit.

PUKER: The slick of sand thrown over the mess could not assuage the stench, leading to a rash of copycat chunderings.

PRANKSTER: put drawing pins on seats. This happened as soon as anyone stood up. risked tetanus/lock-jaw infection.

FONDLING YOURSELF: ever popular comedy manoeuvre that, when done properly and viewed from the correct angle, looked like you were with a lady.

MOUSTACHIOED BOY: cutting the bum-fluffed freak's hair with scissors from your pencil case was fit punishment for early development.

ANNOYING COKE CAN: because picking it up would make you a swot and therefore 'sad' so everyone put up with the stray can rolling noisily up and down the aisle. Made more interesting by the fact that the coach driver had informed you that if a can rolled under his brakes everybody would be killed instantly.

[HonaloochieB]

One puker on our bus when asked by Mr Ayres "What's that"? repied "A bit of lettuce", I can't remember Mr Ayres' reply but it was accompanied by an earclipping.

[HonaloochieB]

The Smokers. Up the back with all the windows open. High risk but it made you look dead hard.

Also helped your chums enhance their thespian skills by exaggarated bouts of coughing and waving their hands in front of their faces. The bastards.

[????]

Holding centrespreads from "Mayfair" to teh back window to get thumbs up from lorry drivers

[Help-Ma-Boab]

The pocket money millionaire: always came back with more than a shoite pencil and rubber combo.

[HonaloochieB]

There was one of our number who would get the attention of an attractive female point to her and then point to his groin, whilst making the well-known motion with his other hand.

I haven't mentioned his name in case he's a top ranking civil servant these days.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Lovely stuff Hona, as always M8.

Maxie hasn't been funny this morning so I'll re-instate you as Number 1 in The Comedy Awards...(tu)

[bigbadwolf]

Don't forget the over eager or eaqually dissinterested parent that was there as a supervisor to the teacher. They were usaully kin to the kid who still wore velro strapped trainers/NHS pumps.

[hellosailor]

also just remembered that one time my twin brother realised as he took his seat on the coach to go home that he had a tiny fleck of dog shi* on his hand and as a reflex act of repulsion wiped it on the headrest in front of him. There was an assembly the next day in front of the whole school where the culprit was told to come forward or everybody would be punished and when my brother did the decent thing and came clean, the school tried to get my mum to foot the bill for the ENTIRE coach to be re-upholstered. Needless to say she told them to fuck off.

Our mum was quite good on the defending her kids front - I also remember when me and my brother were 12 and he was given lines for saying the word 'fart' in class and mum was so outraged that she forbade him to write them and instead got him to write a letter for the teacher explaining that 'fart' was not offensive...

'There is a historical anomaly in that fart is regarded as Anglo-Saxon and has many Germanic cognates, but the form feortan is hypothetical, there being no instance prior to Middle English. The first quotation in the OED is from the charming thirteenth-century lyric ?Sumer is icumen in? (?Summer has arrived?). The context runs: ?bulluc sterteth, bucke verteth,? a line that has caused some academic embarrassment, since the most obvious literal interpretation, namely ?the bullock cavorts; the buck farts,? is regarded as too crude. Consequently, some scholars have preferred to interpret verteth as ?to cavort? or ?to gamble,? even though there is no other contemporary instance of a verb ?to vert.?

Thanks mum.

[HonaloochieB]

hellosailor Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> also just remembered that one time my twin brother

> realised as he took his seat on the coach to go

> home that he had a tiny fleck of dog shi* on his

> hand and as a reflex act of repulsion wiped it on

> the headrest in front of him. There was an

> assembly the next day in front of the whole school

> where the culprit was told to come forward or

> everybody would be punished and when my brother

> did the decent thing and came clean, the school

> tried to get my mum to foot the bill for the

> ENTIRE coach to be re-upholstered. Needless to say

> she told them to @#$%& off.

> Our mum was quite good on the defending her kids

> front - I also remember when me and my brother

> were 12 and he was given lines for saying the word

> 'fart' in class and mum was so outraged that she

> forbade him to write them and instead got him to

> write a letter for the teacher explaining that

> 'fart' was not offensive...

> 'There is a historical anomaly in that fart is

> regarded as Anglo-Saxon and has many Germanic

> cognates, but the form feortan is hypothetical,

> there being no instance prior to Middle English.

> The first quotation in the OED is from the

> charming thirteenth-century lyric ?Sumer is icumen

> in? (?Summer has arrived?). The context runs:

> ?bulluc sterteth, bucke verteth,? a line that has

> caused some academic embarrassment, since the most

> obvious literal interpretation, namely ?the

> bullock cavorts; the buck farts,? is regarded as

> too crude. Consequently, some scholars have

> preferred to interpret verteth as ?to cavort? or

> ?to gamble,? even though there is no other

> contemporary instance of a verb ?to vert.?

> Thanks mum.

All depends on context surely HS, did he call the teacher an old fart? Did the use of the word fart get big yocks from the other kids and disrupt the lesson? Did he suddenly burst into Summer Is A Coming In, The Fart Version?

How did he get dog shit on his hand?

He sounds like thwe sort of kid Terry Scott had in mind when he recorded My Brother.

[hellosailor]

I agree HB but I think he just said something fairly innocuous like 'it smells of farts'.

I'm not sure how he got dog shi* on his hand - I think it was that it was on someone's shoe and in the scramble to board the coach his hand glanced their foot.

I am painting him like some sort of lovable rogue or Dennis The Menace figure whereas actually he was more like an acid tongued nerd who was derided and respected in equal measure. Think more Napoleon Dynamite.

Ironically he is now Head of Geography at one of the poshest private schools in London. I very much doubt he has shared these stories with all the little Jemimas and Tabithas who now hang off his every word.

[dukesdenver]

HonaloochieB Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> One puker on our bus when asked by Mr Ayres

I bet his nickname was 'Pubic'.

[HonaloochieB]

dukesdenver Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> HonaloochieB Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > One puker on our bus when asked by Mr Ayres

>

> I bet his nickname was 'Pubic'.

Sadly no DD, prosaically he was known as 'Mick', Mr O'Halloran was known as 'Turd' though which more that made up for it.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Great thing about going to an All-Boyz Secondary we could give each other proper nicknames like Spu+ky Rushforth and Bonehead Cronin and Jethro Knight etc..

[bathsheba]

> > One puker on our bus when asked by Mr Ayres....

>

> I bet his nickname was 'Pubic'.

We had a teacher called Mr. Ayres, and yes, his nick name was pubes! Great Minds..

[bigbadwolf]

Tony.London Suburbs Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Great thing about going to an All-Boyz Secondary

> we could give each other proper nicknames like

> Spu+ky Rushforth and Bonehead Cronin and Jethro

> Knight etc..

Yeah too right Tony but the best bit was that the teachers would address them by their new title as well.