bigbadwolf

You're right GG. I actually quite like most of his work and he can act, especially when playing an emotionally scarred yet chirpy bogman. It's just that when he did Murphy's Law he insisted on that handlebar moustache. He then became unacceptable. http://i3.digiguide.com/up/0802/1191268800000-190768-MurphysLaw-1190367989031.jpg

It's just his face GG. Nothing more, nothing less. But we still want to rub dog shit in it none the less.

It's come to my attention that Mathew Horne is now a radio DJ for XFM. Instead of slapping him I'd prefer to spoon feed him cold sick and then beat him to death with the spoon whilst telling him in great detail how me and my mates brutally gang raped his dad.

Hi Pandora. I too suffered at the hands of agent fees at my last place. They had this clause in their contract that I admittedly overlooked that stated that they reserved the right to enter the property if there was a complaint such as water coming through downstairs ceiling or dodgy smells coming from the flat. I came home one day after work to find a note tacked to the door stating that they'd recieved a complaint informing them that a nasty smell was coming from the flat so they had to force their way in (they had keys) in order to investigate. They found nothing or any smell associated with what they were or weren't looking for but billed me for the door and for the 'inconvenience' I had caused. Two more of these visits occured after that and in total they fleeced me for about ?70 I was furious with them but had to bare it and pay up. I was also coming to the end of my tenancy so I decided that it would be fair for me to disconnect and sell the hot water boiler to the tune of about ?350 online. They inquired as to where the hell their boiler had gone, so I told them it must have been the builders that kept popping round. I haven't heard anything from them since, the w_nkers.

Hi Charlotte. Rest assured that they're stalking a prospective target/owner under a meticulous surveillance operation as we speak. Cats are born survivors. They'll most probably find an elderly or unmarried woman who'll look after and pamper them until her death. The cats will then eat her corpse.

No. How about:

Here you go Rosie. I'm sure you enjoyed the show as well. Remember ladies and gents. We all, at some point, laughed at this simplistic excuse for comedy, but we immediately felt thoroughly disgusted with ourselves afterward.

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

"I think 'glamming up' would mean putting on a prettier top and some jewellery rather than anything super-expensive - it's still in a pub, isn't it?" My thoughts exactly Moos. "Not sure I want to go to the drinks if this is the atmosphere that's being generated these days, but then again perhaps I wouldn't be welcome anyway." I understand how you feel Moos and we've had a bit of a staring contest on this thread and others now and again but rest assured (all of you) that I would never bring any bad feelings to an event as interesting as the forum drinks, especially just before Christmas. However you come attired whether it be in sequins or denim, I don't care. All I'm hoping is that we have an enormous turnout for the event and get pissed and make a disgrace of ourselves, in the politest possible way. I find the forum drinks very curious affairs as I enjoy finding out what the regulars are really like in the flesh.

We're strictly forbiden from listening to the radio at work because it interferes with all the radio traffic bouncing back and forth between our walkie talkies. You can just picture it... Me: "Call back site office." Site office: "Go ahead, over." Me: "Yeah I need the tower crane to lift a bobcat after lunch, over." Site office: "Recieved, I'll forward your request to the head engineer, over." Me: "I'd appreciate it if you could really emphasise the urgency. I've got a lot on my plate so need to get it over and done with, over." Site Office: "You'll have to wait in the queue along with everyone else, over." Chris Moyles: "Piss off yer fat bitch." Site office: "How dare you!!"

Did it now.

Quite right PGC. What a stupid comment I just made. I am one of those nancy's that pours all over regency romance. She's got my boxset of Bleak House. I don't think I'd stretch to lending her my Bronte or Thackery collection though.

Georgette Heyer? I had you down as more of a George MacDonald Fraser kinda guy Ted. Not some nancy that pours all over regency romance.

Ted. The thought of sharing a tumbler or two of single malt with yourself would indeed be a warming occasion. Although I don't think I'd be comfortable with you pocketing all the cutlery and condiments from the knife and fork table. Though I'd be happy to help you tear the pay-phone from it's mount to ease the burden on your wallet.

I think a dog shit would be a far more appropriate offering to Mr Niieeshbit. Don't you LM.

I'll probably treat myself to a brick of coal around late October Ted. I can lend you a candle if you're feeling a bit nippy round Christmas if you're, you know, a bit short of funds.

"I have a lot of stamina though - I can keep on going when others are flagging." Now that's what I call insinuation. You raucous harlot GG.

Don't tempt me Moos.

I know a few people (mum included) who have an iphone and I'm alarmed at how protective they are over their new gadget considering it's many purposes. We join our couple on their way home after a middle class soiree of dinner, wine, cheese, charades and gloating to friends about the never ending wizardry of their phone. Wife: Oh darling, what a mesmerising evening. Mockney Piers: Wasn't it just. Did you see the look on Seans face when the phone got my coat? W: Yes, he was pee green with envy. MP: Quite. W: Oh darling, I love you. MP: I have to ask. Y...y...you don't just love me for my phone, do you? W: Of course not darling. I love you for the man you are. MP: I'm sorry, but I had to ask. Hoodie: Oi blud, gimme your phuckin phone!! MP: I'm afraid I don't get free evening calls after 10 p.m young man, you'll have to wait until you get home. H: I don't wanna ring anyone. I wanna sell it you prick!! MP: Oh I see. Well I'm afraid I can't do that. W: Darling he's got a knife, just give him the phone. It is insured after all. MP: That's not the point. H: Blud, if you don't gimme that phone I'm gonna stab you in da eye!! MP: I'm sorry but there's no way I'm handing over KITT. H: What!! W: What!! MP: He's more than just a phone.........h...h...he's my friend!!!!!!! H: Hang on. Isn't KITT what the cars called in Knight ri...arrrggggghhhhh!!! W: Goodness darling, is he dead? Iphone/KITT: He's not dead, just knocked out. I sensed your distress Mockney so I electrocuted the offender. He'll come around in about 10 minutes so I suggest we make our escape. MP: You see darling. What would we do without him!! I can't wait to tell Sean. Iphone/KITT: What would you like for breakfast tomorrow Mockney?

No, it's Deputy MacGabhan. We can't have him getting above his station now can we.

I don't find you worthy or boring Anna but you're being needlessly negative. You've been on the forum long enough to know that the odd bum/tit/knob joke is going to pop up now and again because a lot of us like a bit of humour. There was no homophobia (mild or strong) following your suggestion to glam up. Lighten up a bit.

Good.

Whose face I'd like to permanently disfigure/maim/happy slap as follows: Ken Livingston. Graham Norton. Bob Crow. Bob Crow's children (for the sake of spite). Yoko Ono. Pete Doherty. Amanda Platell. George Galloway. Robert Mugabe. Ulrika Jonnson.

Can't fault you on Peaches Geldoff (I suspect it's mainly because of her disastrous column in ES magazine) although I'd prefer to chuck hot tar in her face instead of slap it.

I learned today that after all the kerfuffle following former vice president Dick Cheney shooting the elderly Texas attorney Harry Whittington in the face and torso that occured in an accident on a private ranch Whittington's family sent a letter to Cheney apologized for all the trouble and anxiety Cheney had suffered due to the accident. What made me laugh even more was that in 2006 Vladimir Putin, a man/monster you'd expect to be devoid of any sense of humour, rejected Cheney's criticism of human rights violations as "a failed hunting shot". Ha ha.