Flatmates from Hell

[PinkyB]

As a spin-off to my current complaining about a noisy neighbour on the Tiny Little Things... thread, this rather reminded me that the worst neighbours of all are the ones that live inside your house.

15 years of flatsharing in London and elsewhere means I've had more than my fair share of crap flatmates over the years.

There was the bloke who attempted to solve a mouse problem by catching a hapless mouse, pouring lighter fuel over it, and setting fire to it.

There was the girl who failed to tell me, when I moved in, that the house had a bedbug infestation which would lead, within only 3 months, to me having to throw most of my belongings into a skip and owing the bank ?2,000 which took me nearly two years to pay back. Worst decision I ever made, to move into that flat.

There was the bloke in the room directly above mine who played computer games loudly all night and every night and never slept.

There was the girl who because it was "her" TV, used to come in from work, and whatever you were watching, grab the remote control and change the channel to what she wanted to watch without even bothering to ask you if you minded.

The same girl was obsessed with her new car, and used to stand by the window all bloody evening curtain-twitching and making a running commentary. ("There's some kids playing football. if that gets anywhere near my car I'll bloody smack them one.")

There was the girl who used to leave her bank statements lying about so we could see how sensible she was with money compared to us, and also used to define how good an evening she had on how little money she'd spent. ("I only spent ?2.50, it was brilliant!")

There was the bloke who had his incredibly thick and annoying girlfriend to stay all weekend every weekend, upon which they would commandeer first the kitchen for mass cooking sessions, and then the front room for snogging, meaning that every one else was basically confined to their room all weekend.

There were the 2 girls who were obsessed with the X Files, and used to insist on unplugging the phone, shutting all the curtains and lighting candles ("for atmosphere") every week when the programme was on. If you such much as attempted to boil the kettle to make a cuppa during sacred X Files hour, you'd get yelled at. ("Turn that off! The X Files is on!")

Oh, yeah, and there was the bloke with the drum kit. ('nuff said, i think!)

There are others as well, i'm sure I'll remember them later on.

Any advance on bedbug girl?

[Mikecg]

Either your judgement stinks or if you fell into a barrel of tits you'd come out sucking your thumb, my luck stinks at times as well.

PS:Cool Thread, made me chuckle.

[bigbadwolf]

I had a problem with a mates girlfriend when I was at college but she wasn't that bad. I live on my own and wouldn't dream of sharing again unless I was shagging them. I always make sure I live on the top floor as you don't get bothered with much noise and it's a good idea to stake out a place you want to move into at night to see what the neighbours are really like. I'm pretty lucky at the moment and don't have any plans on moving out of my current building, I also like living in forest hill.

[brum]

Mikecg Wrote:

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> Either your judgement stinks or if you fell into a

> barrel of tits you'd come out sucking your thumb,

> my luck stinks at times as well.

>

Great line Mike.

[PinkyB]

Everyone I've ever met has equally bad or even worse stories than me - I just figure that it's inevitable in London. Even the ones that start off fine usually go to shit eventually. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. A friend of mine got so fed up with it she moved to Brighton into a studio flat on her own, whereupon she promptly discovered she was living under a bloke who liked to play Mariah Carey's Christmas album every Saturday night for hours on end. You really can't win!

[woofmarkthedog]

My friends moved to a "nice conversion" in Brighton on the top floor, all goes well. They decide no matter what that they had to have old wooden floor boards all sanded nice. When the floor is laid it "squeaks" because it is fitted over the existing chipboard floor. Hell breaks out with the lease holders specially the girl below, after much (and silly ) stand off.'s all goes quiet until neighbor below retreats to boyfriends to live , meanwhile she sets her c.d player on some kind of on-off timer and plays the same hardhouse c.d at fixed times ( and I swear the speakers were screwed to her ceiling) , over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over over & over ...................Again !

Which was nice when you came in from work, no wonder they moved to Australia.

W**F

[hellosailor]

I once had a flatmate who I had in fact been friends with for 18 months before we moved in....looking back she had shown a few signs of having quite a temper on her before we even moved in, for example the time when a bloke treated her badly and she kicked a bin on the street repeatedly until she broke some of her toes.

On maybe the second or third day we lived together we ordered a chinese from the takeaway opposite our flat and when we opened our front dooor I saw that my ex boyfriend, who I had only broken up with recently and was heartbroken about, had parked his car bang outside our door so I asked her if she minded popping into the takeaway to pick up our order as I thought it was fairly likely he was in there, and couldn't face a torturously awkward conversation with him if he was.

She didn't look pleased but she walked over the road and collected it, then came back through the front door, threw the whole takeway at me and all over the wall and called me a coc* suckin* c**t.

Thereafter whenever she arrived home in a bad mood she would fly-kick the front door closed with such force that there were footprints more than half way up the door.

After that her behaviour became increasingly mental and after a year or so the final straw came when she said I could only come with her in her car to Sainsbury's, which was a fair way away, if I purchased one item only in the store and told her in advance what is was going to be.

Having sucked this up like a bit of a gutless wimp for over a year, I eventually snapped, Basil Fawlty style, and packed her bags while she was out and threw them all down the fire escape. Her reaction on her return can most accurately be compared to what happens when Dr. Bruce Banner turns into The incredible hulk.

I never saw her again but her parting shot was to get her father to phone my mother (bear in mind we were adults) to say that I had been physically violent to her while she lived with me. Of course my mum knew this was all baloney and I happened to be visiting my mum for tea when she got the call and bless her, quick as a flash, in her soft and reasonable RP tones she replied. 'Oh really, I'm do apologise for her conduct. I can only put it down to the fact she is a coc* sucking* cun*

love my mum >:D<

[PinkyB]

Ha ha ha! Sorry, shouldn't laugh, but that really is a terrible flatsharing story. poor you!

Did remind me though (how could I have forgotten?) of the Aussie bloke I once shared a house with in Bethnal Green who failed to pay the rent for a couple of months, then invited a selection of Aussie mates to stay and crash on our floor, whereupon they used our phone to call home, ate our food, and spent the whole time whinging about how unfriendly and rude the English were, despite that we were putting them up for free in our house. The last straw came on the day they went to the British Museum and accused us personally of being responsible for the stealing of the Elgin marbles from their homeland. ("You English are such bastards!")

After two long weeks of putting up with this shit they finally departed for Paris, along with aforementioned flatmate (who still hadn't paid any rent). We then rang his office to find out what day he was due back, only to find out that he didn't actually work there anymore and had been fired under suspicious circumstances several weeks earlier. Clearly he had every intention of buggering off and never paying us the rent.

So we a) used a hairpin to break into his room, b) changed the locks on the front door and stacked all his belongings up in the front hall, c) got my flatmate's massive scary-looking brother to come and open the door when Andy the Aussie sponger returned and found that for some mysterious reason his key didn't work, and d) refused to give him any of his belongings back until he gave us cash for the rent he owed us as well as the cost of a new Yale lock for the front door.

He cried like a baby, the pathetic little liar.

Still, if one good thing came out of the experience, it's that I now know that, if push came to shove, I could open a locked door with a hairpin and a bit of wiggling.

[hellosailor]

Love the bit about the Elgin marbles!

(ahem, we did sort of do that to be fair...)

:))

[wee quinnie]

HS - Love that!

hellosailor Wrote:

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in her soft and

> reasonable RP tones she replied. 'Oh really, I'm

> do apologise for her conduct. I can only put it

> down to the fact she is a coc* sucking* cun*

>

> love my mum >:D<

[dulwichmum]

Although I am prone to occasional outrageous inuendo myself (about which I have been sanctioned on more than one occasion - OHMYGOD), I must say that I am not at all impressed by the current coarse chat that is on this forum. I am sure that it will alienate regular forumites and is imparting a very base tone. For the most part it is not even clever.

Reading through the comments from Mikecg and Bigbadwolf (at the moment) is like being forced to listen in on a couple of bragging twelve year olds shouting their business on the top floor of the bus on their way home from school.

I like to sit here at my lap top in my kitchen on Sunday mornings, Saturday afternoons and the occasional mid-week evening with a glass of vino, and instead of joining in on conversation with articulate, hilarious chums it now it feels as though I have stumbled across a group of half wits smoking behind the bike sheds.

This is Dulwich boys and we have all been refreshed and challenged by your alternative way of expressing yourselves, but cool your jets, you are in mixed company.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

[bigbadwolf]

Dear Dulwichmum.

You're right, of course, as always. I apologise refusely for my thoroughly 'un home county' discourse yesterday with our friend Mickey but I was suffering withdrawl symptoms from our usually more tame yet deliciously witty dialougue which you seem to have backed off from of late. I hope this disgusting behaviour can only be remedied by the kiss I've blown you that as we speak is floating it's way from the slums of forest hill to the leafy idyll of west dulwich (you should feel it land on the back of your neck any second now).

HOWEVER,

............actually, I'll just leave it at that.

[Mikecg]

No Comment.

[bigbadwolf]

Now now Mike we were don't want that heal on our throats all day now do we. I'd wedge your tongue as far up her arse just like I've done.

[Mikecg]

Oh no BBW I can't possibly partake in any such activity because I am still recovering from the last episode.

[bigbadwolf]

MICHEAL!!! HOP TO IT!!!

[Mikecg]

Just leave it BBW theres no point raising the dead or digging up old bones but what I am prepared to do is stop dishing out the bile with yourself.

[dulwichmum]

AND BOTH OF YOU KEEP YOUR TONGUES TO YOURSELVES...

[PinkyB]

Ooh, Hellosailor, consider your wrists firmly slapped by teacher!

[hellosailor]

sorry guys, didn't mean to bring the tone down....was merely intended as a factual account...will stick to cookie recipes and missing cats from now on I promise :))

[PinkyB]

You mean biscuit recipes, HS. Or you'll run foul of the people on the Tiny Little Things thread who are raging about creeping Americanisms.*

* to be fair, I'm entirely in agreement on that one. Stop using "ass" when you mean "arse", journalists!

Gosh, this thread really has strayed far from its original purpose, hasn't it?

[hellosailor]

I quite agree PinkyB and also shudder at creeping Americanims if I'm honest, I would like to clarify in order to head potential complaints off at the pass that I wasn't using cookie as a general term for biscuit, I specifically meant soft centered choc chip filled baked goods.

Heaven forfend that I would ever refer to a rich tea or a garibaldi as a cookie.

I'm a smart biscuit you see..

:))

[woofmarkthedog]

bigbadwolf Wrote:

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> Now now Mike we were don't want that heal on our

> throats all day now do we. I'd wedge your tongue

> as far up her arse just like I've done.

Yep The Fox is in the box,via the back door i agree

But make no mistakes ,,,,,,,,HE'S BACK

*OO*

*makes note in diary*

[louisiana]

1. Never washed up, never cleaned, room full of left-over plates and blue-mould cups, between floor-piles of knickers etc, for weeks on end. Female.

2. Never cooked, but always magically arrived in kitchen 10 secs before someone else took pots off stove, in size 30 jackboots (down several flights of wooden stairs). Female.

3. Wanted to use room as cannabis factory, with high-power lights and all that jazz. Used freezer as magic mushroom coldstore warehouse. Never cleaned. Left all kitchen debris in situ, where it fell, encouraging cockroach problem (was a hotter country). Male.

[bigbadwolf]

louisiana Wrote:

> 3. Wanted to use room as cannabis factory, with

> high-power lights and all that jazz. Used freezer

> as magic mushroom coldstore warehouse. Never

> cleaned. Left all kitchen debris in situ, where it

> fell, encouraging cockroach problem (was a hotter

> country). Male.

One of the guys my dad was in the Royal Marines with did this and managed to pay off his mortgage in the space of three months. Although it was his entire house not a single room.