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Cocking hell.

Last week I had to visit London's Canary Wharf and all I needed for the day was a notebook, my iPod Touch, a Kindle and some keys. They all slotted snugly into a patent red zip-up bag by the young London menswear designer James Long, which I'd been given for my birthday last month.

"Hi Charlie, it's Camilla on features - we met at Ludmilla's private screening of Josie's new short, yeah? Anyway, we're having a competition to see who can write the most Guardian article of all time. Can you have a think and pop something over by Monday? Thanks, darling."

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Erhmm. If you?ll excuse me for a moment I am about to forget myself.

What the fuck does the twat expect if he wants to prance about carrying a handbag? Did you see the fucking picture? There is not a chance in hell that bag could pass as even the most effeminate ?manbag? (a term which in itself is wrong on so many levels). It?s a red patent leather handbag.

Now if this city?s legions of limp-wristed metrosexuals want to cross dress I will fully support their choice. In fact taking a decision to proudly dress as women on a day to day basis would show some backbone and probably be the manliest thing most of them have done in their insipid existence.

But don?t accessorise with your mum?s patent leather handbag on your jaunt up to London and then act incredulous at the suggestion that you?re being a big fucking jessy. You big fucking jessy.

And while I?m at it. Men should not wear pink shirts to work. Pink is a girl's colour, yah twats.

On another point, if you are planning on stealing handbags in the Canary Warf area, dress in drag.

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