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EDF Xmas Revue - idea for sketch 17


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(Acknowledgements to BBC TV?s ?Ello ?Ello)

The theme music fades. It is well after midnight in East Dulwich. The bar is empty of customers. The occupying forces have returned to their billets after an evening?s carousing. The bar staff are clearing up.

Ren? (from behind the bar): Yvette, ?ose down those ?ighchairs, zen you can give me a ?and wiz zese very sticky glasses. Come on, come on, we ?ave not got all night!

Through the bar door glides Michelle. She is carrying a plastic bag, which she places on the bar.

Ren?: Oh what now?

Michelle: Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once ?

Ren?: ? Well?

Michelle: In zis bag is ze MacDonald?s wiz ze Big Burgers. Where are ze Peckham Airmen?

Ren?: I do not know and I do not care. (Sighs) Last time I looked zey were under mozzer in law?s bed. But you cannot leave zat ?ere. If I get caught wiz ?

The Peckham airmen bluster through the door behind the bar.

Ren?: ? Oh no!

First Airman: I say, a piano!

He sits and starts playing ?Pack Up Your Troubles? and the Second Airman sings along

Ren?: Shhh! Zis is madness! Take your MacDonald?s wiz ze Big Burgers and go!

The bar door swings open and a caped figure stands in the semi darkness. The piano playing stops, the singer chokes and everyone looks at the figure.

Crabtree: Good moaning.

Crabtree steps up to the bar and looks around.

Ren?: Go away!

Crabtree: You are having the farty?

Yvette: What did he say?

Ren?: I cannot understand a word. GO ? AWAY!

Suddenly Otto Flick strides through the open bar door.

Otto Flick: Also! Vaht have ve here? Ein plastic bag, eh? You know vaht se penalty is for sis?

Michelle quickly ushers the Peckham Airmen out of the bar. Crabtree beats them to it. Yvette now decides to take a highchair outside.

Ren?: ?Err Flick! ?Ow nice to s-see you. ?Ave a d-drink.

Otto Flick: Do not try to bribe me! Vaht is sat odd - but strangely appealing - smell?

Ren?: Oh dear ? (an idea strikes him). Ah, ?err Flick, it is an old French delicacy wiz ze fine ?and cut potatoes, er ? ze ?and reared organic steak hach?, er ? ze free range cornichons, er ? and ? zings.

Otto Flick: Sings?

Ren? (nodding confidentially): Zings.

Otto Flick: Mmmm. Sen I am confiscating sis bag and its contents for furser examination. (He opens the bag and smells the food). Ah! I bring se General to eat tomorrow. Have more of sis traditional food for us.

Ren?: Yes ?err Flick, I will arrange it. Of course (shrugging) ? it will be a little more expensive zan our usual simple fare ?

Theme music

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