Top Tips

[waynetta]

CROOKLOCKS designed to secure car steering wheels can just as easily be fastened to a toilet seat, thus preventing burglars from using your lavatory.

[daizie]

AN OLD toilet seat makes a cost-effective and 'futuristic' alternative to an Xmas wreath 2011

[waynetta]

BANGKOK holiday makers. Avoid confusion and potential embarrassment by never banging a woman with a hairier arse than yourself.

[daizie]

FOOL people that you were once a Siamese twin by sewing a trouser leg and half a jumper to your own.

[waynetta]

AVOID the unnecessary expense of buying clay pigeons by shooting real ones.

[daizie]

SOLVE a double whammy of seasonal problems by feeding the homeless to the hungry.

[waynetta]

SUN READERS Cut out the problem page before you throw the newspaper away and send them to the Samaritans. They will then be able to help if they encounter any similar problems themselves.

[daizie]

PRETEND you're a GP by refusing to talk to anyone for more than 30 seconds and then prescribing antibiotics

[daizie]

PRETEND you're a homeopath by talking to a sick patient for 30 minutes and then prescribing a glass of water.

[waynetta]

IN THE same way that a lazy eye can be cured by covering the other eye with frosted glass, a lazy ear can be cured by pushing a cork into the good one.

[daizie]

AVOID repetitive strain injury by never doing anything more than once.

[waynetta]

HELP blind people in the post office by licking their stamps for them. Or better still, teach their dogs to do so.

[daizie]

That one is not funny waynetta

PERVS. Don't waste money on sex chat lines, simply phone random numbers, you'll eventually find someone up for it

[waynetta]

Sorry if I have caused offence. :(

[waynetta]

GIVE house spiders a taste of their own medicine by applying a coat of spray-mount to all surfaces in your home.

[daizie]

ZOMBIES. Make yourselves less conspicuous by shopping at ASDA on a Saturday afternoon

[waynetta]

FOIL pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted 'pop tart' in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive third degree finger burns from the steaming jam inside.

[Captain Scarlet]

waynetta Wrote:

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> CROOKLOCKS designed to secure car steering wheels

> can just as easily be fastened to a toilet seat,

> thus preventing burglars from using your lavatory.

Bum burglars?

[waynetta]

TRAMPS Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.

[katie1997]

waynetta Wrote:

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> FOIL pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted

> 'pop tart' in each pocket. Would-be thieves will

> quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive

> third degree finger burns from the steaming jam

> inside.

Chicken soup is the hottest substance known to man. FACT.

So, I'm not convinced that pop tarts are the best substance to use to foil burglars. Think about it.

[katie1997]

Or thieves.

Is that the time?

[Ms_Lilith]

Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

[waynetta]

PUT a stop to car thieves by syphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.

[waynetta]

MAKE everyone think you wear glasses by making a mark on the bridge of your nose with a hot teaspoon every morning.

[daizie]

OR FOOL PEOPLE into thinking that you wear glasses by sleeping with a pair of mole grips on the bridge of your nose