You got a one liner?

[computedshorty]

?

[Jah Lush]

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are just missing.

[Sandperson]

That reminds me of my favourite piece of cricket sledging, Shane Warne to Phil Tufnell as Tufnell walked out to the crease:

"Hey Tuffers! Can I borrow your brain, I'm building an idiot."

[computedshorty]

?

[Atila Reincarnate]

I seem to recall that I read somewhere of a conversation between Sir Winstaon Churchill and some titled lady or other that wnet sort of like this:

Woman - Winston you are drunk

Churchill - I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober. You on the other hand will still be ugly.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

[Jah Lush]

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

[Jah Lush]

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

[jimmy two times]

I trained to be a doctor but never got anywhere

I didn't have the patients

[Jah Lush]

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

[computedshorty]

?

[monica]

my fav oneliner although not strictly a one liner more a cliche

Everything happens for a reason.

[Jah Lush]

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

[EDKiwi]

A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks 'Why the Long face?'

[Jah Lush]

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

[PeckhamRose]

I refer you all to the wonderful Steve Wright whose entire act was full of them.

Like: I went out with a DJ, when we walked under a bridge I couldn't hear what she was saying.

I bought water pills, you just add water.

[Jah Lush]

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

[EDKiwi]

A dyslexic walks into a bra

[Jah Lush]

I went to a dyslexic rave. Everyone was off their tits on F.

[cupid_stunt]

Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

[Jah Lush]

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died.

[5imon]

mitch hedberg's yer man:

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

etc

[daizie]

'do you think my head zips up the back'

[computedshorty]

?

['bout now]

If you keep your head while all around are losing theirs, you've probably missed the point.

[Jah Lush]

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.