when to tell baby no 1 about baby no2 on its way?

[millsa]

I don't know whether this has been discussed on the forum... My son will be just over 2 when his little brother or sister arrives. I still have over 6 months to go, but I wonder when is 'a good time' to start telling him about 'a baby in mummy's belly'. I just wonder how much he will understand? What can a 20-month-old toddler make of it? 'Baby in a tummy' must sounds so alien to toddlers...

And how can I best prepare him for the new arrival?

many thanks in advance :)

[The Nappy Lady]

Hey Millsa,

Congratulations!

There are some fantastic books you can get to read to toddlers to help them make sense of all this....I can't recall the names of specific ones, but others on here may be able to, if not I'm sure a hunt on Amazon would throw some up. I think this would be a great way to start to introduce him to the idea.

I think one of the hardest things for toddlers to cope with during pregnancy is slowly not being able to sit on your lap any more. I think you can introduce the idea of a baby growing in the tummy without him knowing it is happening to you yet, so he gets used to the concept...then when he notices your tummy growing you can tell him why. 6 months is a long time for a 2 year old, he will have no concept of time frame, so I think it is too soon to tell him yet, you'll just get fed up with him asking you when the baby is going to come out!

How bizarre is this - my little girl predicted my pregnancy - she told me "Next year Father Christmas is going to bring you a baby Mummy", and then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, and a week or two later, before I had told ANYONE but her Dad, she went up to a good friend and neighbour and said "My Mummy is going to have a baby"....I stood there open mouthed and flushed bright red!! No way she had heard us discussing it, as due to all the trials and errors we didn't want her to end up upset if things went wrong so had been very careful.

Spooky.

Molly

[Ann]

Congratulations Millsa. My children are exactly two years apart. To be honest when the firstborn is that young it really isn't that big a deal. You're the centre of his world and he really won't notice your changing shape as you're still you.

That doesn't mean you won't get jealousy issues later on but from my experience not with a newborn when the older sibling is that young. I think it's much tougher for children nearer three, or God forbid,three and a half!

[Pickle]

Congrats Millsa :))

My gap is smaller than yours (just under 17 months), so we didn't really do anything to prepare our son for the arrival of his sister. And to be totally honest he didn't really notice she existed until the point that she started pulling herself up to standing and stealing his toy cars!

There is a really sweet book in the "Miffy" series about a new baby which someone gave my son when I was pregnant - if you can wait till Easter I'll dig it out for you (it's packed away at the moment).

P x

[laurac]

Millsa

My baby is due in July when my daughter will be exactly three and a half(!) We were planning to tell her before my second scan at 22 weeks and give her the option of coming along. My mum thinks this is definitely too soon to tell her and that she will be freaked out by the scan but I feel a bit weird that everyone knows but her and she does keep looking at my tummy and asking how I'm feeling (have not been able to hide my nausea). Will do a bit of reading before tell her and getting some books is a great tip. I think there is definitely a big difference though between two and three/three and a half although I am also a little worried about helping her adjust to the baby esp. as we spend all our time together at the moment......something else to start worrying about!

[Ann]

Sorry Laurac, I didn't want to scaremonger but you've reiterated my point. Your child has significantly more sophisticated emotional needs . I haven't read much on this subject but they say involving the older child with baby activities and ensuring 'me time' for the child helps.

No doubt others on the forum know tons more than me.

[laurac]

Ann

Absolutely fine - obviously something you need to think about very carefully with an older child and will start to before we tell her. Just can't afford to let myself be overwhelmed by the new baby as i was first time round because will need to probably concentrate more on my three year old. And am thinking rabbit/guinea pig/rabbit and guinea pig might form part of a multi-pronged strategy to ease the new baby into her life!

[The Nappy Lady]

laura C,

I took my daughter to the 23 week scan...she was (thinking).....coming up to 4 at that point. Not freaked out at all, very happy to hear we were having a baby girl, but other than that quite disinterested in the whole thing (actually it was a bit distracting having her there, and having to keep tell her to sit still etc - given the valuable medical equipment in the room)!

She was 4 1/4 when baby arrives, so older than your daughter, and coped with it all really well.

The sibling rivalry is most noticable now - in that her 16 month old little sister gets very cross if I give her big sister a cuddle - comes up, 'rages' at us, tries to pull her off me, or climb onto my knee in her place etc! No social niceties at all, but we will get there, and her big sister is just so good at not lashing out back at her. I suspect that is where it would be harder with a 3.5 year old as they are just that little bit less developed emotionally.

Is your little girl into dolls? I found my daughter really embraced having a baby sister, and that by letting her help me where she could with fetching nappies, helping choose outfits, change nappies etc. she felt part of everything and coped with it so well. In this respect I think it is easier having your 2nd when your 1st child is a daughter in most (but of couse not all) cases.

Molly

[sillywoman]

Hi Millsa,

Congratulations. The gap between my first & second is 18 months. We told her once we were past the 12 week stage, she didn't understand of course as she was still a baby herself, but it meant that as I grew larger, her understanding grew too & when I was 8 months gone, the size of a small house, & unable to carry her upstairs easily, or uncomfortable with her on my lap for too long, she had some small understanding of why - and that it was the baby making Mummy uncomfortable - not her. Also, as someone else has said, we knew other people would be talking to me about it & children can absorb so much information that we are unaware of - I wanted her to be getting the information about what was happening from us, not second hand from overheard & partially understood,conversations.

Books we found helpful were "Za-Za's baby brother", by Lucy Cousins (really bright colours and simple text), and "Ellen & Penguin and the new baby" - can't remember the author (PM me if you want me to look it up) but Clara Vulliamy (Shirley Hughes daughter) did the beautiful illustrations. These two were the stalwarts of our collection - the "Ellen & Penguin . ." one in particular saw my girl through some tough times!

And our experience was different to Ann's. Our Girl was jealous of her newborn brother initially, we did have issues even with one that young. She & I were so close that she took it very personally and wouldn't speak to me or let me do anything for her for a month or so. Luckily she has a great Dad & he picked up the pieces until she & I got onto a more even keel. So I don't think age has anything to do with jealousy or lack of it toward a new baby. I think it's just down to the individuals personality & relationships.

My advice would be; prepare your boy gently, and be ready to go with the flow at the end of your pregnancy and in the early days with a new baby. With love & patience you'll all come through it fine, and have a slightly larger family to make you glow with pride.

[gwod]

My eldest 2 are also exactly 2 years apart....when I told my first that I had a baby in my tummy she asked me if I had eaten it!!! I think you can tell them as soon or as late as you want - the toddlers dont regard it as a big deal - its one of those things that can be trickier with older kids.

[candj]

Hi Millsa,

One thing we did was give our eldest a little present from the new baby when she arrived. We gave it to her when she and my husband came to visit me in hospital and she was absolutely delighted seeing that the new arrival came bearing gifts and thus couldn't possibly be a threat! Also before the baby was born, we went out and chose a small something for her to give to the new baby. To this day my oldest daughter still talks about the gift her little sister gave her so it must have been okay for her.

Also agree that books like Za Za's brother are great for children to grasp (if only a little) the concept of a new addition to the home.

Congratulations and best of luck to you.

-C

[millsa]

Dear All,

Many thanks for all congrats - the forum is such a great way of spreading the news :)

and thanks for the advice, and tips on books (Pickle, I can wait till Easter for your book). Candj, I love the idea of little gifts from the siblings and we will definitely do it.

I think I will do it slowly and gently introduce him to my growing belly, without worrying how much he will understand. I met a friend today who is a child psychotherapist. His advice was to start telling my boy as soon as possible about the baby as -according to my friend - my son already knows that something is different, and we need to ensure him that it will not affect our love to him. He says that nobody can tell what toddlers really think but there has been enough research done to prove that toddlers whose mums are expecting become very clingy at various points of pregnancy. My son has been ridiculously clingy for the last two weeks and screams histerically when I leave the room... so I told him today that there is a baby in my tummy. The education has started...

[laurac]

Really useful thread for me - so thanks Millsa for starting it and everyone for all the info. My daughter has also been very clingy recently although this could also be down to a traumatic introduction to nursery...

[Gubodge]

There's 23 months between my two. The eldest was there for all my midwife appointments and scans so knew something was up, but we didn't make any kind of deal about until as late as possible. Lots of 'There's a house inside my mummy' in the last month or so, but even a month seems like an age to a toddler so she probably thought I'd been pregannt forever and was never actually going to produce this sibling she heard so much about.

Not much rivalry between the two of them. There's no adoration but they muck along pretty well together, but it is noticable that they get along best when both MrG and I are around.

Oh and Laurac, there's no way you'll be as overwhelmed as the first time. I went out for lunch the day after giving birth 2nd time round. Second and subsequents tend to just get slung in a sling while you get on with life.

[millsa]

Hi Gubodge, that's what I am hoping for - that I will just get put the newborn in a sling and get on with life as if not much has changed :)

and one more thing my child psychotherapist friend said about 'preparations': never say to your toddler that it is the baby who stops you from doing things you used to do, like picking up, carrying, running around etc. Simply explain that you are tired or your back hurts etc but never blame the baby.

It is going to be interesting...

[Sanne Panne]

First of all, congratulations! I'm following this thread with great interest as I'm in a similar situation. My daughter seems so small still (nearly 19 months old, 4 months to go till #2 is here) but I've started to mention things here and there and I'm going to order some of the books that were recommended.

Let's hope for a smooth transition from 1 to 2!

[Helen GV]

Congrats :o)

I'm 13 weeks along with an (almost)18 month old, I've been telling him ever since I found out. Took him to the scan with me yesterday and he kept poking my belly saying 'boobie', and when he saw the image on the screen he pointed and said 'cat'.

Safe to say he doesn't understand yet but I'm hoping that by involving him where I can it will help later on...

Turns out the due date is his birthday though so hoping I'm not one of the small percentge who actually gives birth on time..

I'll check out the books too, thanks for the suggestions :o)

[prdarling]

Mine are 18 months apart. My first son had no real comprehension of what was happening. Even telling him there was a baby in my tummy did not translate to "there will be a baby livng in our house". He liked my big tummy and luckily it didn't stop us doing anything at all - in fact the day before i gave birth to baby number two, I took the 18 month old swimming in the very old fashioned East Dulwich baths, which is not the easiest to get into at the best of times!!! The lifeguards' faces were a picture.

Once baby arrived he peered into the cot, said "Baby!" and walked off to do something more interesting.

I think it depends on your child..once you start the ball rolling, see how much they grasp and how interested they are and take it from there. We had a book as well which helped but he really was just not that interested!

[craigy]

I am 14 weeks with a nearly 3 year old who will be 3 years 4 months when the baby arrives and he knows about it as I have had quite a few scans so far and he has been with me for each of them... he tells me i have a fish in my tummy and also that he has a a baby in his...

I am not overly worried about him when the baby comes despite him being at the critical age... currently he shows no jealousy when i hold other babies and is very interested in them and want to hold, kiss and cuddle them... he has never been a child that suffers from separation anxiety and is friendly with everyone...

we have talked about having a baby and said that it will be like his friends having baby brothers and sisters and he seems quite happy with the idea although is swaying towards a baby brother!

May get a few books nearer the time and will do the present thing but i am sure knowing my boy that he will be fine with it all....

[millsa]

My son is going through a stage of constantly repeating 'mummy, daddy' and pointing at us at the same time. I have been adding 'baby' and pointing to my tummy. Today we had friends visiting with a baby. My son did it usual 'mummy daddy' but when I said 'where is the baby?' he pointed at my friend's baby straight away with a cheeky smile. And I can swear he did stick his tounge out at me! :)

[alib]

Mine are two years and two weeks apart. We kept things pretty low key until the final days when we started asking our eldest if she wanted a baby (a risky strategy but she'll say yes to most things if you make them sound exciting) We then kept referring to the imminent arrival as something that was coming for her. A brother. Wow. Lucky girl etc. When I went into labour we had time to ask her if she was really, really sure she wanted a brother and if she was going to be a good girl, then we said okay, we'll go and get you a baby.

The next morning she was an absolute angel and has been ever since (about her brother, she can be a bloody nightmare about most other things)