Ted Max

One should never miss an opportunity like this to get a man round. Get a man round, everyone. Explain to him that the kitchen girls do like to watch the thing on their breaks. Don't introduce him to the kitchen girls.

The time is coming, people. One such Reynard has even registered on the Forum asking for the services of a dog walker. I think we can all see how that is going to end up.

A handbag is not worth it. A pie, on the other hand...

Most shop owners/ managers will (or should) tell their employees not to chase shop lifters.

User Profile : Tony.London Suburbs Email: Hidden (but registered users can send me a message) Posts: 3,612 Date Registered: 02/07/2008 20:42 Last Activity: 29/09/2009 07:13 View all posts by Tony.London Suburbs If he's gone, then he's looking down on us all from a better place, hamdulillah.

"And coke."

Friday night Dads, eh? The week spent at work. Mum opening the fridge at 5:30 every afternoon, looking at the wine bottle, quickly shutting the door. Dad sweating on the 19:23 from London Bridge, walking up Lordship Lane, head down past all the drinkers having fun. Perhaps the children will still be up, it would be nice to read them a story. Haven't seen them for more than a minute since Tuesday. Stride quickens as he nears the front door. Silence from inside. Wife staring at a computer screen, glass at her elbow. "Hi," she says, "We need milk."

Sean employing the cheese conceit, there. (rightly, IMO)

He could do with an editor, I agree. But seriously, if we're all so fullae the banter ourselves, Georgia, then let's get to it and start chopping out some one liners. It's not as if he's stopping anyone posting. PS: BBW is BBW's favouritist topic, btw. Altho' I am guilty of feeding that one myself, of course.

Ian Healey to Ranatunga: "You don't get a runner for being a fat, unfit, c*nt" Strauss yesterday: "I felt that at the end of a long game, after a long innings, you're going to be tired. Cramping to a certain extent is a preparation thing. To a certain extent, it's a conditioning thing. I didn't feel that he merited having a runner at that stage." That's the stuff, Andrew.

It's all hypothetical, Mick Mac. A bit like BBW fantasising about creeping into my boudoir, tying me up, and making sweet love to me in my dressing gown.

The Grandma gambit is a controversial dual queen-pawn sacrifice, Quids, requiring the timely deployment of the famous "woodsman" ending. It's an expert ploy that can end with satisfying amounts of claret all over the gaff, but can backfire too. *Bob*, ever feel like so low, and that, that you wanna just fire one of these beauties (picture of a gun and stuff)

A policeman I met at the Goose Green roundabout today told me that the best way to kill a wolf is to get him off his tits on little pigs. They are so moreish he goes mad for them, and will do anything to get his next fix. So, make sure your house is made of bricks, and the only available ingress is a chimney, and then tether your remaining little pig inside. If you can find a little pig with a hairy chin then that is ideal, but not essential. Your wasted wolf will be compelled to attack the piggy, but will have to climb down the chimney to do so. Heat a chip pan up to the highest setting over the open fire underneath, and soon you will have deep fried wolf. Then you can torch the whole gaff with grenades and that, before getting down the Capitol with a slab of coke and loads of guns and ammo and shit. The authorities will just assume an internet blow hard has been at the grape juice a bit hard, and take no further action.

No worries, Steve.

SteveT - Slightly snippy at the end there? Not sure why. You are right that 50m is what they swim in the Olympics. What I wrote is that 25m is normal for short course championships. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FINA_World_Swimming_Championships_(25_m) Therefore they are regulating the pool to a standard length - hence the analogy to the athletics track.

How does it look in your big hand?

Obviously, you know, always read the label, and pregnant women, children and people with kidney stones please speak to your pharmacist, but in general you can trace the decline of this nation to the moment when adults decided that walking around attached to the teat all day was acceptable. A faint miasma of dehydration is good for the humours. It keeps sweating to a minimum and discourages unmanly thoughts in a woman.

I know an old lady who did that. She's dead, of course.

Redouble my efforts to fight for national independence. (and supremacy over lots of other competing Scottish nobility, but we'll not go into that here)

25m is the standard size for a short course pool, meaning you can hold comps and galas there with comparable timing. It's a bit like complaining because a skanky old athletics track is being reduced from 102m to 100m.

Yes, you must never ever feel less than wobblingly full of water, otherwise your ears droop and your liver starts to cry.

Once, long ago, when a man felt thirsty he could, all by himself and quite unaided and unprompted by lifestyle magazines, daytime TV presenters, and that smug git in the office who goes to the gym at lunchtimes, walk to the tap and pour himself a glass of water. This, combined with a cup or two of tea, perhaps a juice in the morning, and something passable but inexpensive with his meal, was enough to get him through the day. But now he must sit, Evian bottle constantly present, swigging every few minutes lest the feared and mighty dehydration monster attacks him and shrivels his dermis, dries his eyes to spent husks, and allows millions of toxins unchecked access to his pancreatic lining (or something). Swig swig. Swig. Mummy. Another swig.

Hell of a way for HonaloochieB to start the weekend - seeing the thread title, perhaps envisaging advance word of a special offer, or merely a hymn of praise to which he can add a verse or two. And then the one-two to the guts of Jeremy's first post. Cruel, Jeremy.

Typical comment I'd expect from a flange limbed poptart like you, Brendan.

I forgot "Horn-backed grebe stranglers"