Ted Max

Here are some of my memories from 09. The long summer that we thought would never end. Lawn tennis with Bunty and Amelia. Maurice's school chum Henry hanging around like a tress of felled willow all holiday. Mama's headaches and Father coming down to the country at the weekends. Henry and Maurice both bought it at Ypres, of course, and Father's never been the same.

Aye, I'm without Sky as I refuse to line the Great Satan's pockets; am too poor; want to remain married.

I think dear old Garth was probably just asking his missus what was for tea: "If I asked you, and indeed I hope it is OK to ask you, given the events of the past few days, whether in fact it is in your mind or not to have assessed the food situation in the fridge, vis a vis the impending lunch party on Sunday, what might be the plans that have been laid for future comestible consumption, do you think you could attempt, at this stage, and I appreciate the answer might only be a best guess, to give me a heads up, and an update, by way of an answer to the question, what is for tea?"

Alaso, I am doing the eating out bit this week as Stacey's mum was ill, she said. Aparently the ad sales guys decide who gets reviewed. I'm not srue wyh. "Salad leaves us green with envy" Snuggled in between a local hardware store and an undertakers might not be the obvious place for a vegetarian restaurant on Lordship Lane but we were more than happy to chance our arm on a wet Tuesday night. A warm welcome ushered away any thoughts of a depressing experience and we were soon ooh-ing and aah-ing over the menu. Beansprouts in a chili tang and Bluegrass Pancakes whisked away any thoughts of the usual veggie fare, and we were soon looking forward to our main courses. Bean curd failed to live up to its rhyming slang and tasted delicious in a Shitake mushroom sauce, whilst my partner's Roast Tuber Roast was rich and warm. Puddings were delicious too and shooed away any thoughts that veggies can't have fun too. We shared a yoghurt and honey layer cake which was absolutely. Our groaning stomachs decided against coffee. I predict a bright start for this neighbourhood newcomer. **** ?? :0)) ???

The edotir has sed I needed a rest from the news, and said to take it easy and do some sport coverage for a while. This is my report of the fottball last Saturday. So, sportsfans, any sports news, I'm your pesona. It doens't hav to be football, although we only cover football. Hey, mayeb you could put a forum team toegether to play the paper one time. Some of us are quite good though so it's probably not worth ti!!1! PS IO'm also on the look out for big news as well, so that I can get back on teh beat hat I Love. The newsbeat. "Hoops surrender unto Ceasars" Hoops manager Ray May has hailed his team as "gutted" last night, after they went down to a 0-3 loss at a frozen Hill Park against fellow mid-table hopefuls Streatham Caesars. Starting the match without star striker Jamie Winstone, who was on checkout duty at the local Costcutter, the Hoops lacked a cutting edge despite controlling the midfield. Jamie Theakston was given his first run out since half term, now the school season is over. A lucky 15 pass move saw the Caesars nudge ahead on the half hour, Hoops 'keeper Jamie Murray stayed big but just couldn't keep a tamely hit strike from Goodonya from squeezing under his body. Fortune continued to favour the brave SW16 outfit after the break, with two more goals from imports Nodramas and Flamingalah. Hoops central defender Jamie James got his head on a corner on the hour mark, but seemed well enough after the match. May said his team had to bounce back. "We've got a game against the Hillsiders in the preliminary stage of the Southern Windscreenwashers Cup on Tuesday, you're not coming to that as well, are you?" he said the car park. MORE FOOTBALL NEWS: ? Charlton Atheltic boss Alan Curbew has told reporters that star striker Dave Harris is going nowhere in the transfer window. "We've received no requests and he's going nowhere," Curbew told a big paper that has his phone number. ? Eagles gaffer Neil Warmcock told supporters he is looking for a big effort from local lads Davey Harris and Harry Davis after the winter break. "They're two good lads but they need to learn," he told a press conference we didn't have accreditation for. ? London Towers basketball player Ron Seal is on holiday on compassionate reasons and will miss the Towers' home clash against Sheffield Dunkers.

Fair play to her for getting into that racket. Normally the Albanians have it sewn up. Did she do a good job?

I didn't hear that. I do think, employing my trusted analytical technique of a couple of pints and a bit of matronly bosom-hoisting, that Harry remains a lonely orphan who just wants to fit in. That he has to fit in with the Cirencester Coll of Ag/ Sandhurst set is a bit of a shame, but not entirely his fault. I think there's hope for the lad yet, before he turns into his great aunt.

... Sugar, JoJoMamanBebe, Oliver Bonas ...

Turns other cheek

Saying your prayers, like all good atheists*. * Slap me if that was your point

PPPS You owes me a new microwave as well. Really funny trck that one. I follwoed your instructions as I rad them and by then it wos too late.

Now you've gone too far. YOU took over hte bored with your chat about buses and Fearne COtton and socks as if anyone cared and I done my best becaose I beleive in local accoutnability. And now you have accuesed me of being ont he take. Fisher never gabve me anything. I spiked his retirement story remember? And far from slipping me a backhander the inflateable slide bloke sent some lads looking for me when I rote about the dangers of high winds at the FEstical and I had to hyde in the Ladies till they'd gone. I come on a bored like this looking to publicise the local conversationa and events, and peraps do people a few favours as wel and this is the thanks I get. My mate Tristran works on the Ham & High and they don't get this kind of rubbish on their boreds, I can tel you. He's had invites to the local farmers' market and has become good friends with teh Methodist minister's wife as well. Good lucj to you so called :"Forumutes" - all the best. It seems you're not intereted in real jounralists and communities after all. PS If you do have any good stories, though, keep them coming through. PPS I'm knot going to Hawaie you poop, I was saying you and Lulu are hte same person. Really sad, inventing different persinalities on a tork bored just to make yourseld look good. And just cos TOny's got a gay uncle doesn;t mean he wears skirts. LAters.

Were you the bloke Stacye was kisisng atthe Christmas patry hen? I don't htink so, unless oyu are also Jamie from the Post Room. ANd if stacey was kissing Jamie, I don't think she'd be sharing pillow talk with you only a month layter, unless there's somehting you want to tell me about Stacey (like, is she Tracy's mum, or somthing?). As for Lulu and her obsession with you. HonaLuLu more like. DOn';t think I haven't worked that one out. How's that for jounralistic radar? *Zing* (BTW, if you are really Heston (as if), can you help me with something. I am trying to make fish fingers in the microwave at work, but should I take them out the bocks first or not? Perhaps oyu can tyr that out in your lab!!) As for being hard bitten, who said I wanted to be. some of us are happy being locale jounralists, we happen to think that's as important as any other kind of reporting. IT's easier to get taken hostage in SOmalia and get the paper to pay the ransom, and rit ea big so-called story about it, than it is getting a useable quote off the bloke that runs the inflateable slides at the Irish Festival, I reckon. You're on probation, Hona, with a hi vis vest on and an ankle tab. No more lyes, now. COnsign yourself half=forgiven..

I've had a chat to Stacey in Features about your Grandada beacuse she also does our horoscopes and I thojught she might be intersted. She ses you have been bothering her over the wires for ages, and showd me a list of local nutters on the wall, and there was a list of aliases which she said woz all you. Hona Cheebee, Hona Loochie, H O Looch Eeebe, Terry, Kevin, they were al there. Stacey asked me wot was wrong with my top lip and I felt so embarrased I couldn't tell her. IT looks like a cold sore there with all teh moustache rubbing. And today I looked at the Brixtron live webcam in the office and there was loads happening. I'm gutted. I'm the only won trying to make sothing happen around here and stop all the crime and stuff and yo take advanatage of me like that. ITs my fault I suppose for not chekcing out my sauces. Also, Mr Fisher is gutted becose all his staff bought copies of the paper and there woz nothing in there about him retiring. He's a friend of the Chief Sub too so I'm in trouble witht he back bench as well. Chris MArtin is a gent by the way, but I wouldn't ecspect a trickster like you to kno about that. Lorraine Kelly ios a ledgend as well and I won't bother her with your nonsense agenn. PS I'm not falling for that Heston Blumenthal stuff either. Everywon knows that you can't cook a steak in 24 hours.. It takes at least that to defrost. If anywon has some reel news then let me kno and I can rite it up. I can't stand people who abuse forums like this though for their own ends. Makes me mad.

Then you were not too far from Ugley either, and its famous Women's Institute.

It's an old plotline from Cold Feet, or perhaps Thirtysomething, isn't it? Where do I claim my prize?

Hona Cheebee, that is reall scary. I'm in here on my own doing the night shift and I'm now worrying aobut blakc holes, dark energy, a breakdown in teh concept of linear time and so on. If nothing happens in Brixton, do you tihnkt hat means that something euqal and opposite must be hapening somewhere else? Dalston, maybe? I'm tryign to work this into a second lead on page 9, becauseo all we have there at eh moment is a file sotry about Mr Fisher retiring form the hardsware store on Eglinton Street. ~I can spike that becos I am night etidor now - although the picture is really nice. BTW, I'm really sorry about the green ink thing earlier, Dave form features told me what it meant and Iw as really corss. TOny teh news etidor can be a real hard ass sometimes. Anyawy, look our for the the Brixton "End of Times" story. I'm trying to get some comment from the quantum physics boffins but I can't finds out who their PR rep is, and the Bihsop of Sougthwak is out on the piss, as usual!!11!.

Thaks oyu Sean, that means a lot to me. Wish you could tell my edotir thouhg, as he's just called me somthing and it wanst genius! Yourmomma, your mens in park thing sounds good. can you tell me any more about it, though. Are these men justn going into the park by tehmseves and tehn carryiny out ritualistic satanic goose abuse? THere's so much fop this thing about that we need it sorted. Perhaps you should get down ther and do some secret filimngn of the sort of thing oyu mean. Make sure noone see syou though. We can run the film on our website, our pubslhers loves the new medai stuff and I need a bonus after annoyting the edotir with my Nanny story. Hona Cheebee, your story is so long man. My news edotir says you prpbably type in green ink. This is a bit before my tie though, as I use compueters only now. What sdoe he mean?

COMEDY BIT by Jenny Profiterole 350 words a month, it's not a lot is it, for a former Perrier winner (That's the comedy award, folks, not the drink. Please don't award me the drink. I only drink champagne now, on account of an incident involving the lovable Stephen Frost, a Rolls Royce and my partner's Star Alliance Club Card.) Anyway, there I am, in the 10 items or less, fewer, or whatever, queue at my local Sainsbury's, which is in East Dulwich, although I live in Camberwell. How did that happen? And I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to fill the yawning chasm of my monthly column (yes, it's that time of the month feeling, girls), when my daughter pops up with something mildly amusing about a grapefruit. I can't remember all of it, I blame too much Champagne, but we were all in stitches. Which is handy, as I live so close to the excellent A&E department in Camberwell, which is at least something I have on all you SE22 dwellers. And I think, 350 words, it's not a lot is it, to distill the essence of my life as a hard working, Champagne drinking, Mum-of-one to the massed proles living the other side of the hill. This week for instance, I woke up with a hangover. In Pontefract. Pontefract! There must be some comedy mileage there. But it appears not. Because the next night I do the same thing in Castleford - with a pounding sore head and two empty minibar miniatures (not Perrier, Puhrrlease!) strewn across the winceyette. Which reminds me of the time my Father brutally supressed an uprising in Borneo. Which gave those upstarts a thing or two to think about. At least, that is, if you can think with no head on. Blimey, I find it hard enough to think with my head on, let alone being headless and legless, all at the same time. So there we are, proof, if proof be needed, and I think it is, that it's not all doom and gloom the other side of the dog kennel. Until next time, then. Cheers! And Happy Easter, happy eaters.

"When nanny's away, kids play the goat" Credit-crunched families are turning their children out onto the streets, creating a local crime wave, claims a local resident. A Mr L Peckham told the Dulwich Guardian Weekender that children are being left to run free as their regular carers, mostly nannies and au pairs from Slovakia, have been laid off as local families tighten their belts. "It's causing havoc. Only yesterday I had to step sideways six inches to pass two mums who'd stopped for a chat, in broad daylight," Mr Peckham ranted. One child we spoke to confirmed she had been abandoned to fend for herself. "Yes, that's Mummy over there in the queue at Pretty Traditional," the sinister tot said. "She's buying brocoli for my lunch. Yummy." Local retailers condemned the initiative. One told us, "I think it's nice, the kids get to see a bit more of their parents, and the parents can hook up with other parents to give each other some support. We get them in here all the time, and they're no trouble and their business is welcome. Hot chocolate was it?" YOU DECIDE: Local kids - Crime wave or Cheery Wave? Text your answer and quote: "Ineedtocalmdownandcheerup"

"Light on their feet" Clubbers at famed Brixton Gay venue The Freezer are being equipped with free socks and flip flops, enraging local residents who fear for their children's safety and waste of council taxes. A council spokesperson didn't say, "It's cold out, and many of these guys are in danger of hurting themselves as they are not used to walking long distances on high heels. It's only sensible to see them home safe in some cosy socks and sensible flip flops. It's ?65,000 well spent in our opinion." Local man Hona Bee told The News that he and his friend Terry had seen a man wearing the items, but were unaware as to their meaning. But immediately Bee's friend Terrence was concerned that this might be a secret code advertising the presence of a local sex criminal ring. A local activist said that Terry was speaking a load of rubbish, but we're not going to let that stop us. DEBATE THIS STORY ONLINE NOW: www.allthenewschatandstuff.com

Thanks agane Hona, it seems you are the only won intersted in inertacting with the communtiyt. Come one you others, what's so hard about it? This is a two way street, after all!11! Not sure about the CRAG campaigne thogh. My edotir gave me a funny look. Said there's enough swankers at the Dulwich Free Guardian News already. Is Margo related to David, the golf coach? The chief sub likes golf. Maybe I will arsk him.

Hona, if you have seen Terry, you should of txted the peeper with the noos. Tony London is looking for him. I am standing your Flip Flops n Sox story up as we speak. I think it is the Loony Lambeth council giving out free flip flops to the gay clubbbers so tyhey don't brake their ankles going home. DOesn't ecsplaine the socks, tho!!

My news edotir is luving these stories, everywun. A few more and I may even get picked up by the nashionals. Don't dry up in me now, though, because he thinks I have the ears ont eh street, hur hur. More llike eyes on teh Forum, riht? I think we shuld of run some campain. Let me know what you think. What about soemthing like about the buses, trains. It's my career your newspeeper, so get invulved.

Mum's the whore Local scientists have said that loose sexual morals are more likely to found in women whose mothers also put it about a bit. East Dulwich man Hona Bee said that his research had uncovered proof that not only is local resident Tracy no better than she ought to be, but that her mum is a bit of a goer as well. As yet, Hona is refusing to release the details of his research, but said that he had no reason to doubt the evidence. You Decide: Who are the biggest strumpets 1. Mums 2. Daughters. All entries must be received.