20 Week Scan: Should we find out!?

[HOMum]

Hi everyone!

Should we find out if it is a Boy or a Girl?!

This is meant to be light-hearted fun really, but I would also like to hear people's preferences just out of curiousity!

Before I was pregnant I always said to anybody pregnant "it is much better left a surprise" "you are ruining your special labour day" and so on!

Now I am pregnant and have spent about 8 weeks dying to know! Now my scan is just around the corner and I have had a sudden change of heart ... just thinking about how even more special it will be if we wait until our baby is born!

My other half is 60/40 for not finding out but will go along with whatever I want!

I know this is completely personal and to be honest I am about 90% sure we will not find out now! We don't mind if it is a boy or a girl at all - so with no preference what is the need to know?!

Did anybody else have such a dilemma?!

**Edit for poor spelling**

[The Nappy Lady]

Hiya,

We found out both times, and both wanted to, my hubby found it easier to 'bond' with the bump being able to think of it as a little girl rather than an 'it'.

It also makes it a bit easier on the buying front, especially if you want to pick up some 2nd hand stuff via the forum.

If you a struggling with one set of names (we always found boys names very hard) it takes that nightmare away as you can focus on the names you are having......

However, when I watched One Born Every Minute the other night when they didn't know and hubby told her as baby was born I did for the first time understand the excitement of waiting to find out at that moment, and it brought a tear to my eye to hear him saying "it's a little girl" and the girl saying "is it?" "is it a little girl?" So sweet.

Arrghhh, I don't know. To be honest it is so flipping fab having a baby I don't think it really matters either way. You will hopefully be blissed out during the baby moon either way!

Let us know what you decide though (don't have to tell us the sex even if you know of course)!!

Hugs, Molly

x

[verds]

Nooooooo! Get a surprise!

I was desperate to know, then we suddenly decided not to find out while we were at the scan. For some reason, we convinced ourselves we were having a boy and called the bump a boy's name all the way through.

Of course, she's a girl. I loved not knowing, especially as we had no girls' names so I got to call her by the name I decided I'd call my baby when I was little!

Congratulations and good luck x

[Claire29]

It is tempting but i didn't find out with my 2 and was convinced my first was a girl, actually a boy and remember when I had him I was given a baby boy helium balloon by a friend and I kept looking at it and smiling thinking wow I've got a boy! I am pregnant again with no 3 and wont be finding out, it is a wonderful surprise after going through giving birth, plus i think it's lovely to be able to send text/phone people and say it's a ........

Totally a personal choice though and i can understand the practical side of finding out, but as you don't get too many lovely surprises in life i think it's worth the wait!

[Knomester]

Hello!

You know what I'm doing already....waiting until he or she arrives to find out!

For me it would be a shame not to go into the birth still having that element of surprise ahead. For me it really doesn't matter either way, so many clothes, toys, etc are unisex these days that there doesn't seem to be a practical reason for knowing - it's just whether you can bear the suspense!

I've no idea whether I'd feel any different with baby number 2 - who knows.

Like Verds, my mum was convinced I was a boy - she had even named me - so it did come as a bit of a surprise when I turned out to be a girl! A good surprise I hope...

[Polly D]

Totally personal choice but from a practical side, as Molly says, you can get a lot of useful preparation done (if that doesn't sound too clinical). And emotionally, a surprise isn't always what you want in labour.

We chose to find out at the 2nd scan stage mainly because we were too impatient and excited. I was always convinced it was a boy because at 14 weeks - and this may be too much info for some - I dreamt that I had a willy...and then at the scan the sonographer said 'it's a girl' and I felt so surprised. And then 5 mins later, she said 'oops, no, there's a willy, it's a boy.'

[candj]

We found out both times too at 16/20 week scan because I like to be organised and in control wherever I can be! I think it's a surprise whether at 20 weeks or 40 weeks, at least I thought so.

[Vickster]

We found out, mainly as a I am painfully impatient, and the fact that you can find out was too good an opportunity to miss. Re the surprise element, I figured that with everything else that was going on with the birth which would all be new to me, the lack of another surprise wouldn't be a big issue! I did also find it nicer to refer to the bump as "he", and as mentioned above, I think it helped my husband withearly bonding. No plans for number 2 yet, but I think I would feel the same. It would also help to knoq whether I could get rid of all the boy clothes or not!

Be warned though, there are quite a lot if judgmental people out there, whatever you decide. We had relatives (who with 2 of their own children should know better) tell us that they would appreciate if we didn't tell them, as they didn't agree with finding out and wanted it to be a surprise for them! I found this extremely irritating as surely this was our decision to make. Suffice to say, given that one of my reasons for wanting to know was to refer to the bump as a "he" rather than an "it", it didn't take long for the truth to slip out, oops.

Slightly off topic, but one of the things I have never got my head around, and other forumites might disagree, is 3D scans. While I wanted to know the sex of the baby, knowing what it looked like seemed one step too far. Personal choice of course, as with the sex.

[sb]

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[linzkg]

I agree with Verds (and she's a little stunner too H ;-) 0Wait for the suprise - its so much fun!

I wasn't sure what to think but my hubby was determined not to find out - i even pushed him at the 20 week scan - but i'm stoked we didn't find out!

People had so many opinions as to what I was having from the way the bump was sitting (by the end people were convinced it was a stubborn little girl as my bump wouldn't turn from the breech position regardless of what i did) .. we had fun with names .. we didn't waste unnecessary money on items just because they were blue or pink but we had fun finding outfits with bright colours to suit both sexes .. you day dream about different outcomes .. and when my little boy popped out all of these ideas came flooding back plus many more!

I wouldn't find out for the next one either.

Ps, completely personal opinion obviously - but a good mate's just had a little girl but we all knew from the beginning what they were having, plus she mentioned names and i do feel the fun was taken out of it when she was born (sorry everyone else on here!)

Jayd - just put 2 and 2 together .. I've responded to a few of your posts I think, without realising! Ps, the thank you cards were a hit too, sent them as a postcard.

[craigy]

i wish i could do it without finding out but i don't seem to be able to and am going to find out what no 2 is... found out no 1 at 14 weeks...

do what feels best for you..

[jumpinjourno]

As the 'other half' of the post's author, can I thank you all for your well wishing and your advice.

I can confirm that pre-pregnant Jayd5 was adamant that expectant mothers should not find out. But once the decision was ours - things have been a little different.

I would say that I am boringly 50-50. I can see the merits in both (many of which as discussed above) and quite typically I am leaving the big decisions to the better half.

I think what makes our situation slightly different is that we genuinely have no preference in the sex. We have leading candidates for names of both sexes - though will not be making any final decisions until our special day anyhow.

Thanks again for your thoughts, and we'll let you know what happens at the scan...

[newcomer]

I have a suggestion - find out the sex but don't tell anyone that you know. Then:

A) even so often, drop either 'she' or 'he' into the conversation when you're talking about baby (make sure you alternate between the two but use the 'wrong' pronoun more than the 'right' one) and

B) subtley encourage your friends and family to start a bet re the sex of your baby.

But (and here's the really sneaky bit) secretly let one of your friends know what sex the baby is, on the condition that they agree to split the winnings with you! :-)

I reckon this would also work if you're having a planned C-section. Don't let anyone know that you already know the 'delivery date' and then encourage them to bet on the baby's birthday. Again, share the secret with a friend and split the winnings! Of course, this is a little more complicated as you're going to have to continue pretending to everyone that it was an emergency c-section, but it may be worth it if the bets are high enough...

By the way, I've tried neither of these options, so I'll leave it to your discretion whether or not this is a good idea!

[ratty]

It's a surprise whether it's a surprise at 9 months or at 20 weeks!

[The Nappy Lady]

But newcomer, if a load of your mates on whether it is a boy or a girl surely there will be more than one winner, so difficult to split the winnings (unless you are going to pull one name out of the batch who said whichever sex is correct)...in which case you have to fix it even more.

Liking your evil thinking though :)-D

Molly

[peckhamboy]

It's a 50:50 shot either way, so it's not that much of a surprise anyway...

We found out at the 20 week scan, and neither of us was ever in doubt that we were going to. Like others though, we were surprised by how judgmental friends were about the decision - when we first told one friend that we were expecting, her first reaction was "Don't find out what sex it is". Needless to say, she was one of the first we told once we'd found out...

It's such a personal decision that I would never dream of telling anyone else what to do or passing judgment on their decision. I'm so pleased that we did, as it's helped me to feel closer to my wife's bump, and meant that we could immediately ignore half of the possible names!

[Pickle]

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I really wanted to find out the gender (I felt I needed to bond more, as was busy looking after my son and didn't feel like I'd had much of a chance to focus on my pregnancy).

Mr Pickle didn't want to know, so at our 20 week scan they wrote the gender on a piece of paper and gave it to me in a sealed envelope! I read it almost straight away, and for the next few months had fun keeping it a secret. Mr Pickle never tried to trip me up on it, which helped, but it was quite funny going through the motions of choosing both boys and girls names when I knew I only needed one for a girl.

So while it wasn't a surprise for me, I still found it quite exciting watching his reaction when our daughter was born.

First time round we didn't want to know, but a consultant looking at some slightly unusual results on our scan blurted it out!

Good luck with whatever you decide. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

P x

[crystal7]

It's a personal thing but I say have a surprise!

I enjoyed the endless speculation 'oh you had morning sickness it's definitely a girl' your bump's so neat- a boy' 'your face is quite fat too isn't it..that means it's a girl' (?!)

Also if I'd known I was having a girl I wouldn't have been able to stop myself buying little pink newborn dresses that would have been worn once.

[Moos]

I was bored at the end of my mat leave so designed a complicated betting system in which you had to guess the sex of the baby, the weight and the date of birth, with each answer weighted and a grading system of points according to how close you got...

Anyone still awake?

Anyway, the winner got a bottle of champagne, and it was quite fun.

We weren't going to find out, and then, and then... we found ourself in a scanning room with 4 strangers and realised that they all knew (and didn't care at all) and we didn't and while we had no preference it was a step towards knowing our baby a little better. So we changed our minds, and it became the loveliest secret. And hearing the big, bearded anaesthetist roar out "It's a boy!" when he was born was one of the most glorious moments of my life - I can't imagine it would have been any better if I hadn't already known.

[BellendenBear]

Find out! I don't really understand why you wouldn't. Finding out doesn't mean that you have a preference one way or the other or that you intend to go crazy with blue or pink. And as for needing a surprise on the day, I think the whole birthing process and being handed your new baby will never be underwhelming. It won't be some huge anti-climax because you already knew the sex. And I think phoning/texting friends to say you have had a healthy baby is lovely in itself without needing to save the surprise for them.

The most important thing is that this is your personal decision and certainly not something that others should be judgmental about. Good luck.

[Smiler]

I am the type of person who loves information and finds it reassuring to have as much of it as is on offer, and am impatient (reading the end of books first, peeking at presents etc.) There was just NO WAY I could wait the full 9 months to find out and I really wanted to know: it was nice being able to relate to a little girl inside me! My poor husband didn't want to know, but luckily the doctor blabbed at the 12 week scan, so that sorted it out.

If you don't want to know, make sure you tell them loud and clear!

6 weeks to wait to find out this time, am worried about the medical "anomoly" aspects of the scan, so it is good to have something nice to look forward to with finding out the gender. I think it is a boy this time, will see.....

Agree that it is really annoying when friends / family ask you not to tell them 'cos THEY want a surprise. My father in law has done this with all babies in the family, but someone (e.g. elderly great aunties) has always blabbed!

[laurac]

Very timely as I had my 22 week scan this morning and chose to find out the sex while my partner didn't - I think I will be fine keeping it a secret from him but I do wish he wanted to know too! With our first baby we didn't find out and I think it would have helped me 'connect' more with the idea of a baby to know the sex. It was all very abstract until she literally flew out but maybe that is down to my lack of imagination! I also agree with earlier poster that there is so much joy in meeting/looking at your baby at the birth that the sex is kind of secondary and therefore nice to have that snippet of information half way through your pregnancy as something to look forward to.

Having said that I do feel a bit ambiguous now I know - maybe because the sex is different to what I was expecting (as it was with my daughter!) so maybe it will just take a bit of getting used to/re-orienting. But I think if you are wavering and thinking you don't want to know you probably should go with that.

[littleEDfamily]

I agree with whomever says they found it easier to bond with their babies once they knew the sex.

We tried, and failed miserably to hold out both times. We're the sort of people who used to feel their Christmas presents under the tree until they figured out what they were - no tolerance for surprises.

And on a purely practical level, you're so much better prepared if you know.

[The Nappy Lady]

Another viewpoint - I had always dreamed of having a baby girl, and my hubby was quite keen for a boy (as I think men often are - the whole son and heir thing).

First time around we found out because my hubby said he didn't want to, even for a moment, feel a flash of disappointment when baby arrived if it was a girl. In retrospect I don't think he would have done (now I know how amazing the whole birth process is), but finding out it was a girl did give him plenty of time to adjust to the idea.

Having said that I refused to believe them and still half expected to give birth to a boy, so the first thing I said when she arrived was "Is it a girl?"!

Second time around, because I already had my baby girl(!) and because it felt so amazing to be even having another baby after all the problems we'd had I really didn't care less about finding out, but he was keen to know again, and so we did ask.

Don't get me wrong, I'd have been delighted with boys too, but it was lovely to know I was having a baby girl, and I loved being able to call each of them by their name, even whilst in the womb (another thing I know some people find weird, but each to their own!

Molly

[HOMum]

It is all so exciting! Thank you for all reponses and I will keep you posted!!