Will this dread heat never cease?

[david_carnell]

I would imagine you dark, swarthy sorts would be familiar with the Greek Aetolian League and their capital city.

Is the family from there Michael? Or is it ???????

Hmmm? Sounds foreign to me!

Now, where is Cribbens and that G&T I ordered?

[Brendan]

With a heavy heart I inform you that, having taken the morning off for constitutional reasons, I have returned to the bank to find all of the employees have been replaced by what appear to be Bertie Woosters. I fear it is a condition brought about by excessive humidity and the sight of the female shoulder. I have barricaded the door to my office and I am medicating myself against contamination with a tincture I have prepared from absinth and a herbal mixture of my own making. I am trapped at my desk between a door to my right, through which fearsome plus-foured brays emamate and a shaft of unrelenting sun to my left burning in through the sash window. The seeds of dread are already sown and I am afraid that these conditions will only bring about germination.

[Michael Palaeologus]

david_carnell Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I would imagine you dark, swarthy sorts would be

> familiar with the Greek Aetolian League and their

> capital city.

>

> Is the family from there Michael? Or is it

> ???????

>

> Hmmm? Sounds foreign to me!

>

> Now, where is Cribbens and that G&T I ordered?

Έξυπνο Arse

[HonaloochieB]

Brendan Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> With a heavy heart I inform you...

My heart already heavy with nicotine, pickled with alcohol and coated with irony was the only thing that wasn't broken when she left me.

The B&O took a kicking and the book collection took a thieving and tearing, while the vinyl mostly got a skim across the road.

With the heat, they pancaked out over the tarmac and were driven into it by diverse drivers. Some of them divs.

Anyway, she left a note attached to the purple vinyl copy of the Squeeze single Cool For Cats, giving particular emphasis to the lines 'she left me when my drinking, became a proper stinging'.

What an insult to be overed by a message involving that sort of forced rhyme.

It's a frigging frigid bar, with cold people for me tonight.

[caro ed]

What ho my old codgers!

First things first, I do hope that the cooler evening weather is agreeing with you and that you are indulging in a well deserved pre-dinner aperitif.

I must say that, being a soft sort, I am a spot bothered about the wretched situation you chaps seem to be in. I would even go as far as to say that I find it quite unfathomable that one might manage to tolerate the abominable spell of humidity we are experiencing whilst being confined to such an uncomfortable environment as the dreaded OFFICE. Ye gods!

At the risk of sounding a tad supercilious, I must say that I heartily recommend experimenting with a new-fangled concept I have just stumbled upon known as "free-lancing" - although I must concede that I am not entirely certain what I am lancing and why I am doing it gratis. Back to the point though, and rather wonderfully, I have been able to enjoy your notes whilst lounging in my hammock sipping on an iced Lady Grey, keeping an eye on Perkins as he sees to the hydrangeas (necessary as he is awfully prone to bunking off for a swift Guinness at the public house if a beady eye is not kept on him at all times), all the while maintaining the outward impression that I am frantically busy and hugely important to my professional acquaintances. Only downside is that they do have the dashed exasperating knack of requiring something urgently just as I am dozing off.

All in all though, damned fine notion... not sure what spiffing chap came up with it but I must make a mental note to congratulate him with a hearty slap on his doubtless manly shoulders when I find out.

[Michael Palaeologus]

I remember the Free-Lancers.

They fought with great valour in the Crimea campaign suffering heavy casualties at Balaclava, from whence they adopted their distinctive head-gear.

Their most revered leader was Lord Cardigan, whose legacy was seen in their pale red woollen jackets.

An early battle in the Indian mutiny saw the Free-Lancers pitched against the Heavy Horse of the Maharaja of Baluchistan, the battle was hard won and there was much respect felt for the masterful Baluchi horsemen, resplendent in their short leather kilts; a form of dress adopted by the Regiment in their honour.

The Boer War saw this fine band of men on the Veldt, seeking out the crafty Boer who's ability to blend into the country-side was renown. The Boer wore robust sandals, with a distinctively silenced heel that enabled them to creep, cat like through the acachia bushes to deliver a more effective ambush. These useful items of foot-wear were also added to the Free-lancers wardrobe.

The Free-lancers last campaign was in the Dardanelles, where their task was to provide protection and recce for a unit of Australian Artillery who were armed with the general purpose, breech loading, 5 inch howitzer. During one attack by the savage Turk, the Free-Lancers found themselves in great danger of being captured en-masse and suffering the horrors of Turkish captivity. The Australian Artillery provided themselves formidable allies and with great accurancy brough heavy fire upon the Free-Lancers positions, enmeshed as they were in hand to hand fighting.This brought brought terror to the enemy, but such was the accuracy of fire, no Free-Lancer was killed.

As chance would have it, shortly after these brave units of men were visited by King George, who was publically addressed by the Free-Lancers C in C.

Standing proud in his Regimental kitten heeled sling backs, his short leather skirt, pink cardigan and balaclava, the Colonel stated that his men were most grateful for the support of their antipodean comrades and that "He would only ever wish to be serviced by an Australian dual purpose 5 incher".

The next day the Regiment was disbanded.

[Ted Max]

Dear Sir,

Re: your correspondent Michael Palaeologus' regimental footnote, your readers may be interested to hear that many of the disbanded Free-Lancers found employment by forming the private guard of the Wali of Swat.

Aas, shortage of weaponry due to a blockade of the Swat Valley by the forces of the Raj, meant that the mercenary unit was compelled to become expert in unarmed combat; its favourite deployment of lethal force being strangulation.

Thus it was that these former Free-Lancers came to be known along the Northwest Frontier as the Contractors.

Yours etc,

Gunfor Hyre

[Ted Max]

Sir,

I could not help but be drawn to the picaresque treatment of the former Free-Lancers within your pages, and thought that the following letter, that I found encasing my grandfather's old portable cruet set might be of interest. I quote only the relevant passages.

"Dearest Binky,

Do you remember those dashed Free-Lancers, whose rum attire saw them drummed out of the Army? Well blow me but some of them have popped up over here taking part in a remarkable seige of the Upper Nile Garrison town of Sorse.

With the entrapped forces including the Mahdi's army, the Muslim Brotherhood and some defected Egyptian Imperial forces, as well as a rag tag of mercenaries and partisans, Official Communications has taken to saving time by referring to all the besieged the In-Sorsers. Therefore those former Free-Lancers encircling the town are now known to all as the Out-Sorsers.

Well, you takes your laughs where you can get 'em, Dear."

I hope you agree that this snippet may amuse your older readers.

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

its favourite deployment of

> lethal force being strangulation.

>

> Thus it was that these former Free-Lancers came to

> be known along the Northwest Frontier as the

> Contractors.

I recall my Uncle Dashforth telling me tales of derring-do, he went to Australia and joined the Hutchence Choke as that particular band of free-booters were known.

Mama would always inrervene when he tried to show me his photographs.

Always referred to himself as 'one of the few, who woke up in time'.

Always puzzled me that, but it made him chuckle.

[Ted Max]

The Loyalist paramilitaries known as the "Milligan Orange" were equally infamous on the upper reaches of the Boyne during the '16.

[brum]

Dear OP,

what a splendid read your thread has become. Wise words yet devilishly funny too. Bravo old bean! And three cheers to all one's contributors!

Brom

[????]

pass a citrus and some poppers old boy

[Wilhelm]

Egad. That really is the thin end of the wedge.

[Michael Palaeologus]

I was at "The Wedge" in 1916, the second "Wedge" if you remember. The first "Wedge" was a damp squib, the Hun declined to engage and the troops had to withdraw swiftly lest they find themselves spent prematurely.

The second "Wedge" was a far more robust affair.

*Pass the decanter Ginger, I need a stiffener*