Anyone else feel like they're making a big fat mess of this??!?

[legalbeagle]

Being a parent is, without doubt, the hardest job you can ever do. Ever. My daughter has Asperger's and she is incredibly hard to parent and incredibly frustrating to interact with. She's almost 5 and I still cannot trust her to walk on a pavement, stay near me in a shop, keep inside a playground, eat her food without throwing it on the floor, stop hitting her brother over the head, follow a simple instruction like please put your shoes on........... My son is about to go through the same process of diagnosis, but I think I already know that he is going to have exactly the same issues. He cries very very frequently. When he was first born he woke up every 45 minutes for 8 months. He has incredible rages because he is three but he still cannot communicate in more that one or two word statements, so he spends a lot of time being permanently frustrated that he can't tell me what he needs. He won't eat properly. He won't clean his teeth. And most recently he won't wear any shoes!

A few weeks ago I went to Cafe Rouge and both of them kicked off at the same time, and the table next to me were so appalled they insisted, very loudly and very unkindly, that they were moved. Pretty much the whole restaurant got to see that me and my bloody awful kids were ruining their day. It is an exhausting and repetitve and relentless job and there are days when I am wholly and utterly convinced that they are in fact perfectly fine, they just have a bloody awful mother. I yell at them when I shouldn't. I don't spend enough time playing with them because I'm tired. I don't cook everything from scratch and from fresh every day because I just can't face going to all that effort to see it on the floor inside 10 minutes. And every week I go to bed thinking that next week I will be more patient, more understanding, harder working, less selfish about how this all effects me.....

The thing is that despite all of that they are beautiful, charming, lovely, adorable children. We go out all the time, we have fun, we have fascinating conversations and beautiful moments. We laugh lots more than we cry and we love each other very much. I just have to remember that in my quest for being a perfect parent, I will fail, and when I do, I am my own harshest critic. I'm not a bad mother, I'm a good mother with typical toddlers, living in a society that just doesn't talk about how hard this really can be.

You're not a bad mother snowboarder. You're a normal mother. You will try, and you will sometimes fail, and when you do, be kind to yourself. Irritatingly, kids don't come with instruction manuals. And Gina Ford doesn't have kids!

[Fuschia]

lb, lovely post!

[snowboarder]

Yep LB - seriously I am rubbish - my little monster is young and there is only one of him - you sound like you are doing an amazing job.....

[Fuschia]

SB: you're not rubbish. I think you're just probably used to having more control over things (workwise etc) than you can possibly hope with a baby or toddler.

Honestly, mine are far worse... did I post on here about the recent undercoat incident which led me to deliver two paint covered babies to creche, one of which was dressed in a tutu and wellies?!

[legalbeagle]

No no, you're doing fine. And I am eternally grateful for the gifts of cbeebies and chocolate. Which by definition makes me a bad parent, but I'm waaaaaaaaaaaay past caring!

[sillywoman]

fairylamb Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> If he still throws mud around the house and won't

> eat vegetables aged 15 years not months I'd start

> questioning your parenting skills (although

> admitedly a bit late by then) :) Maybe review at

> age 6!

So I really am officially crap at this then? :'( Well believe me it's not from want of trying.

[buggie]

I'm nervous before I've even given birth to bubs - there seem to be so many pitfalls.

Working with children as well, I've my friend and family thinking I'll breeze through as I must know lots already - eek!

[legalbeagle]

You'll be fine buggie - it's a huge roller coaster, but despite all those pitfalls it is one of the most amazing journeys you will ever go on. Get ready to love someone more than you ever thought possible!

[nicolemodesti]

Hats off to you LegalBeagle!!

It definitely is a remarkable journey...although did not think that last week when I attended my 22 month old boys nursery garden party and he ram rodded a child sitting quietly on a chair eating his food. One of those slow motion moments where you see the action, hear your child's name being called, the child still in seat tipping backwards and you rising to your feet. The whole garden went quiet and I swear I heard a pin drop! Thankfully the child was not injured but myself and partner were mortified. Of all the children it had to be ours! Then I was relieved to see my son had the good manners to realise he had done wrong and said sorry with a cuddle to the screaming 3.5 year old.Due to him being incredibly excited he seemed to lose all sense of conduct.

Buggie - working with children is a total different ball game for me compared to my own. I think it's due to the fact that I have 28 of them 5 days a week but then at 3pm each day they leave. My own child is very determined, bright and happy but seems to know how to push the right buttons.

Would I change it - no way. Will treasure these moments forever - food throwing, breaking things, biting, spitting, generally being cheeky plus the love, cuddles,kisses and intense curiosity - as this is forming his nature and personality. The only thing I would change is if he could just have one bad report when I pick him up from nursery each day, except for the odd 'he didn't listen'. What is with that?

Guess we are just doing our best and my best will do for the moment as it seems to be working.

[mumof3girlies]

Leaglebeagle - your post nearly made me cry - so eloquent and moving. Snowboarder - don't worry I am sure you are doing a fantastic job, you remind me a lot of myself with my first child, I had wanted a baby for years and when she came along I wanted to get everything right, I remember lying in bed when she was exactly 15 months old thinking: "her diet is so limited, her sleep is terrible.." but then you hit a better patch and you feel less despondent, my eldest is now 8 years old and a fantastic eater, bright, articulate, a bit moody at times but they all turn out OK.

My yongest is 18 months and by far the most meddlesome, tantrum prone, worst sleeper of the lot but I know (hope) she will turn out OK too and I don't have as much time to worry about her as she is one of 3. Parenting is the hardest job of all but nobody really tells you that before you have kids, and especially if you are a full time mum, becase you have no distraction/somewhere else to go to feel you doing a good job and where you are appreciated. I have to say that working 2 days a week has been a real sanity saver for me personally as I gain a bit of perspective away from my failings as a mother! (I have been lucky too as my husband has always looked after the childen when I work as he is self employed.)

Just wait until another mother comes up and tells you as much you are a rubbish mother at the park because your older children are picking up the toddler (see my post on pregnant woman smoking thread p9) grrr..

[Helen GV]

chocolate milk appeared in a list of best things to feed toddlers sb! mind you, I did find it on the internet...

[fairylamb]

Apologies for my original post - I still avoid boiled potatoes and have thrown a plate in anger aged 36 and its nothing to do with my parents!

It is such a learning curve being a parent especially reconciling the gap between your parenting ideals and reality. My 14 month old son was recently hospitalised with dehydration after a stomach bug and it took that to make me realise he really doesn?t like water, I should give him cordial instead. He was also hospitalised with jaundice aged 2 days old and I agonised so much over whether to give him formula ? when I eventually did give him the formula he was perkier within hours and gained 200 grams in a day. I sometimes feel like I never learn and I should go with my gut instincts not the preferred route. If he started refusing milk tomorrow I would definitely reach for the coco powder.

[Sanne Panne]

Our eldest just hit the terrible twos and our youngest has only been around for three weeks so we're still getting used to life with two. Most of the time I love love love our toddler, she's actually pretty well behaved, very happy and quite laid back but it happens about twice a day that I really feel like telling her to shut the F up because she's challenging us to the max and/or whining for ten minutes straight (I do get angry but manage to express it more decently). I feel bad for feeling this "resentment" and at the same time I feel bad because it's "obviously" my fault that she's a terrible two (because I spoiled her when she was younger - oh and at the same time I'm not interesting/entertaining/stimulating enough, therefore boring her and feeding the bad behaviour LOL it's ALL my fault).

So yes, I feel like many of you do... Rationally I know it's not all that bad but it's hard to remember that while at the max of your frustration!

[charlottep]

Sanne Panne - i'm in the same situation as you - a terrible two year old and a 12 week old. i sometimes feel resentful of my toddler, that he's spoiling some of my precious time with my baby with his unreasonable behaviour and then i catch him glancing at me and his little sister (especially when i'm feeding her) with a very earnest look on his face and it breaks my heart. He's obviously feeling the impact and i'm sure that much of his behaviour is a form of separation anxiety. i hope it passes soon as it often feels very intense (it's that unique love that LB refers too that creates that degree of intensity i'm sure).

[Polly D]

What a lovely, supporting and encouraging thread. I will remember these experiences next time I'm made to feel like my son is the 'pest' at the childminder's.

[Helen GV]

Polly D, none of my business obviously but perhaps a new childminder is in order??

[reren]

My cousin just told me something really fascinating about toddlers - that I thought people might find helpful who are worrying about them refusing to eat healthy foods - apparently toddlers go through a (long) phase of only accepting foods that are very bland and that they are familiar with because in earlier times as your toddler began to be independent of you, the last thing you wanted was to have him putting new things in his mouth all the time. Basically the childs body assumes that the parent isn't keeping as close an eye on him and and therefore the child errs towards safe food like bread and pasta - rather than experimenting with crazy things like vegetables. Add to that the inevitable power play that food brings to the equation and you have a child that never eats anything healthy.

Don't know if its scientifically proven - but made me think that when mine gets to be a toddler it'll be helpful to know this when I'm worrying about why he's living on 2 raisins a day or whatever!

[Belle]

For absolutely no reason at all, my son woke up screaming 40 mins into what would normally be a 2 hr nap earlier today. Leaving him for a bit sent him hysterical so I got him up and comforted him, with the result that he was grumpy all afternoon and so was I. I know babies aren't robots - I get that they are different every day and we can't expect them to conform to our own ideal of a routine but sometimes it's just SO frustrating. It is def hard not to think it's our fault, so v heartening to read this thread.

As for the food thing - GAH, my son chucks his everywhere, I went with the Gina Ford 'if he throws it he's not hungry' for a bit but then realised he expects it back, prob because I was too lenient in the early baby-led weaning days of solids. Agh.

[cuppa tea]

It's so lovely to hear other parents being this honest. It's just such an incredibly difficult job being a mum/dad and is quite often made much harder by how tough parents can be on each other and on each others children. Everyone is surely doing the best they can under their own particular circumstances - kids included. We have to mess up. It's part of the learning I hope.

[littleEDfamily]

Great thread.

Sometimes, in the evenings, I want to go and wake my 3 year old up, tell her how much I love her and apologise for losing my rag. Luckily, both of us are fiery types who spark up easily, but get over things quickly and at least once day apologise to each other for having a tantrum (in her case) and screeching like a banshee (in my case).

I never thought I would be a perfect mother, but I never realised I would be this prone to hysteria!!! It must be the exhaustion....

[SteveT]

One often feels the 'big fat mess' syndrome whilst raising one kids, it's hardly surprising as it is a long puzzling journey with no instruction book.

I have been through the terrible two's three's ......through to the teens and into the twenties, and now I am very grateful to see them once a week for a meal together.

It is impossible to be the perfect parent all the time,

and some times you vent your wrath for the benefit of one's own sanity rather than for the child's good,

but none of that matters because it is your kid, and you can do it however you want to.

As there are no instructions you cannot do it wrong, just differently.

They are the best thing that ever graced my life, and have made it so much richer, and wilst they did this they wore away at my sharp corners and improved my behaviour to the rest of the world.

[Alec John Moore]

I find the petty squabbles between 2 or all 3 of them really winds me up. But that's partly to do with my expectations of them - that they will play nicely together! I know how unrealistic that is for anything more than a few minutes sometimes. I travel a bit for work so I have to leave it to my wife for a week or so now and then. I've started using my TOIL from these trips to pick them up individually from school or nursery and spending a few hours one-to-one with them. That really is quite special in an ordinary sort of way. Just going to one of the many lovely cafes that we have in ED and spending a bit of time with them when they are not squabbling or competing for your attention reminds you how good it is to be a parent.

[EDmummy]

No such thing as perfect parents...no such thing as perfect children. Life is not perfect. The bad experience today may turn into the learning experience tomorrow. I used to beat myself up about my struggle with parenting but then realised it was the same for everyone. We are bombarded with images of perfection constantly. They are either lies or fairy tales. OP, enjoy the good times and ride the bad times and it will get easier.

With regard to baby SBs diet. Give him what he will eat with little samples of new foods and he may develop new tastes. There are plenty of goods that my mother used to force down my throat as a child that I still don't like, some I have only liked in adult life. You will know if he fails to thrive or becomes seriously under nourished.

[Belle]

Have just looked up this thread for therapy after a particularly trying weekend with my toddler (and still have all of Sunday to go - my husband is working this weekend ugh). It's hard to imagine at this stage that he will ever NOT throw his food. yesterday he rolled in the mud at Goose Green for 15 minutes (I gave up stopping him in the end); threw delicious but expensive Mother Dumplings meat balls on the floor; ate playdough instead surreptitiously; wouldn't wear wellies when mud-soaked shoes were rendered unwearable so went out in rain in buggy shoe-less and raincover-less as refuses that too; woke at 11.30pm for yell (I had friends over in a desperate bid for some me-time after he was in bed), woke at 5am for the day today. The telly has been on for a shamefully long time already today.

Reading this thread though has just made me feel so much better! Think it's hard to keep perspective when it's just you and an irrational toddler, and v easy to think you're somehow messing it up uniquely.

[Fuschia]

Belle, that's all totally normal!

It WILL pass.

My twin II never gets dressed when told ... now i just go to the front door with twin 1 and we start putting our shoes and coats on then she rushes up to us naked and I grab her then and do it as we leave the house... there are some advanatages of peer pressure whe you have 2.

Child no 1 several times went to the minder in his pjs, once my partner brought him home on the bus with no shoes or coat on as he just wouldn't cooperate