Relationship advice

[dulwichjigsawpuzzler]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 10 years, she's a beautiful and wonderful person. We have a daughter who attends one of the local independent schools. For the past 4 (ish) years my partner has not expressed much interest in sex. I have tried to initiated sex but get turned away. I have tried to talk to my partner to let her know how important sex is to me as without a meaningful sex life then the relationship is just a friendship.

Another problem, issues never seemed to get resolved they just simmer in the background.

We have tried counseling however things have not improved.

Is it time to walk away?

Walking away will mean much upheaval like taking our daughter out of school and selling the house.

Any advice appreciated.

DJP

[P.O.U.S.theWonderCat]

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

There are lots of reasons why people can go off sex, both physiological and psychological. Whilst it's important that your needs are also met in the relationship, if she is feeling guilty about not being able to have sex or pressured by the fact she can't meet your needs, it could be making the situation worse and turning into a vicious spiral.

Only you can tell if it's time to walk away, but I'd recommend having another shot at counselling with someone different perhaps.

[Elphinstone's Army]

DJP this is not the right forum to seek relationship advice for many reasons, although pous makes

a good suggestion, (a different counsellor).

We do not know you or your family and it's best if you do not offer any more detail which

could perhaps identify them, or yourself.

However being a woman I cannot resist an insight - what you are describing is a lack of intimacy.

[Jah Lush]

By and large I'd agree with what EA has said but I do have one question for you. Do you love her?

[TheArtfulDogger]

Djp why would you post this on here ?

Imagine the argument and distrust you will cause if your wife sees it on here! Unless that's what you are looking for !!!

Also think about the fact that your daughter is also mentioned on here , imagine the impact on her if she read this and put two and two together.

My suggestion is seek another councillor and remove your post as quickly as you can

[dulwichjigsawpuzzler]

My partner does not frequent EDF so not worried there.

Yes, I still love my partner and find her a very beautiful woman.

[lavender27]

djsw, You asked for any advise and you would appreciate it. Yes by all means find a different counsellor but they come at a high price. My advise if I was your partner is, I would want you to be romantic, funny, flowers, chocolates (low fat of course) make her feel she is appreciated, go that extra 5 miles, candles around a bubbles bath (together) or on the more practical side - do the washing up, cook a lovely meal (her favourite) put up some shelves, do odd jobs around the house, take her out to a lovely restaurant. Do something special together that you both like. The list is endless, you have to work hard if you don't want to loose her. You don't say what age range you are both in, but hey love has no age. You need "you and her time". Best of Luck. I'm routing for you.

Lavender27

[Jah Lush]

dulwichjigsawpuzzler Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> My partner does not frequent EDF so not worried

> there.

>

> Yes, I still love my partner and find her a very

> beautiful woman.

Then you'll have to woo her again. Now take this thread down. Your wife may not frequent the forum but her friends may recognise who you may be. Best of luck.

[uncleglen]

could be anything

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/conditions/sexual-health/a2220/lack-of-sex-drive-in-women-lack-of-libido/

[Angelina]

Sounds like you're not communicating - and the counsellors you have had are not in tune with you.

Bear in mind, all counsellor's are different so I would suggest you seek recommendations for a different one. Life Coaching for relationships, maybe?

Also, maybe go away together - do something really different.. learn to spend time together and develop trust again.

Trust and intimacy are closely linked.

I like this, from The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

?For her, everyday was the same, and when each day is the same as the next, it?s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.?

[Robert Poste's Child]

Wondering if this is a wind-up, but just in case it's for real...

You've posted this on a local forum - used by a lot of people where you live and your daughter goes to school - and you can't see any kind of issue. I think most people would see it as a pretty disloyal, inconsiderate and selfish way to behave and for what it's worth it's making me wonder if you're inconsiderate of your wife's feelings in other ways as well.

Please do think again and take the thread down.

[Grok]

Go out on the pull with Pato

[Saffron]

I wonder if this thread would be better in the Family Room discussion section? It's not uncommon for people to discuss relationships there.

Two things that spring to mind...

If your wife is an introvert, does she truly get enough time to herself to get her energy genuinely recharged? For deeply introverted people, sex takes a lot of energy. If an introvert is already low on energy, then there's no energy left to invest in a sexual relationship. Time to oneself is the only way for an introvert to really recharge. (Doing chores alone does not generally count!)

If your wife is on hormonal birth control, this can also negativley affect mood and libido for some women, as can other post-baby gyne issues.

Personally I think there is too much emphasis in the popular media on sex in relationships, as if sex is the primary foundation of a romantic partnership for everyone. That's simply not the case. For many people, sex is not the primary driver of the relationship. For these people, everything else needs to fall in place first, before they feel that the relationship's deep intimacy draws them into sex.

It sounds like this might be the case for your wife, while the opposite is true for you. There's no right or wrong. But, if you're deeply mismatched, then you'll have more of an uphill struggle to find common ground. xx

[lavender27]

Love is in the air every...... Tom Jones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2-VGDF4y18

[lavender27]

dulwichjigsawpuzzler Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> My partner does not frequent EDF so not worried

> there.

>

> Yes, I still love my partner and find her a very

> beautiful woman.

here's one for you djsp

[southeastelectric]

Been there .

The moment I've told her that I'll go out and do something stupid she didn't believe me.

Then I went and done it .

She then noticed me again .

We are happy since

[P.O.U.S.theWonderCat]

That's right - the way to a woman's heart is to threaten them.

[lavender27]

How's it going Dulwichjigsawpuzzler

Here's another song to keep you going.

[Elphinstone's Army]

lavender, you are wasting your time, he has gone to ground... but thanks for the vids ! and

your offbeat humour here on the often ponderous EDF

[Sue]

If the OP was not a wind-up, then I can totally see why his wife would not want to have sex with a man who posts his relationship problems on a public forum which his wife's friends and daughter's friends may read.

You are thinking of leaving her?

I reckon she's thinking of leaving you.

Have that conversation, eh? Just think of your daughter while you're having it, who no doubt is very aware something is wrong :(

[lavender27]

I feel it is very brave of dJP to reach out to the rest of east dulwich, as the guy is obviously distraught and didnt know what else to do. He loves his woman and wants to make it work and in desperation has reached out to this community and all you've done is shun him. Does anyone believe in romance, truly it's not dead already. Come on give the guy a break. Here's one from edf to djp.

this may be OTT, it's all we need.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWEEaH3QZoI

[Jules-and-Boo]

Agree - asking for help is fine. Stop giving the man a hard time about it.

[teddyboy23]

My wife of 30 years ran off with my best friend I've known for 20 years.its only been 3 days now. But I really miss him.

[steveo]

Haaaa teddyboy

[teddyboy23]

Cheers steveo