When should a child be able to undress / dress himself??

[charlottep]

My son is 2 yrs and 8 months and although he is physically capable of undressing and dressing himself (obviously with a bit of prompting and assistance, i.e. making sure the clothes are laid out in a helpful way, etc) he generally refuses to do so, pretty much every single morning. This morning he took over an hour just to take his PJs and slippers off and most mornings normally degenerate into conflict of some sort.

His nursery have told me that he's the only child in his class who can't (i think won't) put his own shoes on and they say we need to teach him to be a little more independent. Their advice, I feel, is constructive not patronising, but part of me wonders whether we're expecting too much of him.

When did your children start to take more responsibility for dressing and undressing?

[Belle]

I've been wondering about this too, and think it must just vary - surely if we are encouraging and showing , that's all that we can do, rather than making a battle ground of it? My son is coming up to 2, and I do chuckle that gina ford (who I do find useful on some things) seems to think they should do it by 18 months! My son was nowhere near then and now only takes off a top/bib/pushes down trousers out of mischief, not when it's actually useful to do so. She also reckons they should automatically put all discarded clothes in the laundry basket without prompting...

For what it's worth, my 4 year old nephew was here the other day and requested help with his shoes - I'm sure he can do it on his own, but just needs a bit of help now and then.

[womanofdulwich]

maybe if you went swimming that would be a better place to try- he would want to get dressed to get warm and go for a nice drink afterwards?

[Curmudgeon]

By the time they start full-time school, so rising 5 - by this stage they should be competent at taking coat on and off, toileting themselves and getting changed for PE or swimming (however you might end up with back-to-front clothes at the start) including shoes (but not laces necessarily)

A nursery saying they should do it is IMHO being slightly on the lazy side

[sillywoman]

Depends how they're feeling. On days when he's feeling a bit pathetic my just 7 year old will still ask for help in the morning. Sometimes I give it, sometimes I pull my "really?" face & he know he's on a loser! Of course he can (& mostly does) get himself dressed. Often with interesting results mind you! Also depends how fast you need it doing. If you've all the time in the world the your 2.8 year old could do it. If you have to get out for nursery then you need to help him so you can get the job done.

You'll probably find that by not making a big deal of it & helping & encouraging him "Oh wow, you did that t shirt all by yourself, well done! etc.etc. blah, blah" he'll be all the keener to do it himself anyway. I think the nursery are being a bit tough to insist that he puts his shoes on all by himself. Under 4 or 5 they're still babies really and with tricky stuff like shoes I think it's quite reasonable to need some help at his age.

[womanofdulwich]

i feel a star chart coming on..................

[charlottep]

we have tried reward (stickers and M&Ms which have worked with potty training), nonchalance and time out. Nothing has had much success and he protests right from the off, saying he can't do it and refusing to even try. The only thing that works is if i devote a good hour to it, gently coaxing and encouraging. Unfortunately i don't often have that amount of time spare so he ends up getting mixed messages as i often resort to dressing him entirely myself.

Thanks for the responses so far though, they have been useful and maybe his nursery are raising my expectations unnecessarily. I think I will cut him and me some slack.

[buggie]

Have you triedgettibg him involved in choosing clothes (obv within reason - which t-shirt out of selection to avoid buzz lightyear/wrong clothes for season)

No personal experience, but maybe if he decided what to wear he'd be keener to put it on.

HTH x

[zeban]

Do you think maybe he feels anxious about getting it wrong? I'm not suggesting you make him feel bad if he gets it wrong but I remember it taking me ages to be able to tell the time because of the pressure I felt from my Mum- I hated her watching me do it and putting me on the spot and then showing exasperation if I got it wrong so sometimes I just refused to do it. I was a very independent child but I was also quite shy and took every criticism personally.

I really don't want to seem like I'm suggesting anything about you but I do think the nursery are putting unnecessary pressure on him and you. I think he'll do it when he feels comfortable doing it.

[littleEDfamily]

There is no way a 2 year and 8 month old child should be expected to do this. Yes, of course there are many children who are very independent at that age, and even earlier, but that's not to say he is lagging.

My aunt teaches 3-5 year olds and says she has loads of 4 year olds (especially boys) who struggle with their shoes and coat. I think at that age, it's probably more down to their temperament (not being bothered) rather than capability, though.

My daughter was very independent from a very early age, but she still now (nearly 4) goes through phases where she just can't be bothered and I need to help. I wouldn't worry at all if you need to do those things for a not even 3 year old. Nursery needs to pull finger, I say!

[nunheadmum]

I agree that the nursery seem a little harsh expecting it of him at this age. My 2.5yr old is almost at the stage of being able to do it but my first has only recently got the hang of it. I would think a good nursery would have the techniques to encourage him if he was physically able, even if he only did it there and not at home. (My eldest did loads of things at nursery but not at home.)

I'd suggest leaving it for a while, giving him a hand while dropping in opportunities (e.g. leaving out a vest or T-shirt while you nip into next room to get something) and dropping in the odd comment about being able to do it 'when he's a big boy' etc. Maybe once the pressure is taken off him, he'll see it more as something he wants to do.

[cuppa tea]

Blimey! My nearly 4 year old rarely dresses himself. He's pretty damn quick at taking all his clothes off at inappropriate times/places, but that's another issue! I'd personally say it's asking too much. He'll do it when he's ready.

[Moos]

My 3.5 year old can dress himself if we have half an hour free and I have the energy to nag him through a torrent of moans of 'I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't', but it's an uphill struggle. I know some kids can't wait to brush their own teeth, feed themselves, dress themselves but my son would happily be spoonfed and have someone put his pants on for him every day! Hoping he'll change his expectations of what is normal some day, but it seems to be a long road.

[Pickle]

I agree with everyone who says this is a bit much to expect - especially of a boy. My son (will be 4 in a couple of weeks time) is capable of dressing himself and is getting a lot better at doing it now, but it's been a very slow process. I don't push it, as it tends to end up making life a misery for both of us, but do heap a lot of praise on him on the days he manages it.

I leave his clothes out for him, round the right way, to make it as easy as possible and then go and help my daughter get dressed. Some days he does a great job, other days it's like pulling teeth.

On the flip side, my 2.5 year old daughter is very determined that "I'm going to DO IT Mummy" and has been doing a pretty good job of getting herself dressed for about 6 months now. Completely different personalities, and I'm sure girls generally manage this sort of thing a lot earlier than boys.

[Marcus]

::o

[charlottep]

Really helpful responses, thank you. I shall look forward to dressing him entirely myself this morning. Judging by these responses it sounds highly unlikely that he is the only child in his class who can't put his shoes on.

[Mellors]

I agree with whst the others have said - it depends on the child.

My 2.5 year old girl will try her very best to get dressed, and will put her own shoes and coat on.

My 4 year old boy always gives me the big "I caaaannnnnn't......." "You do it......." and I am constantly nagging him to try and get his shoes and coat on, the lazy little tyke.

Your son definitely isn't the only one at nursery who can't/won't do it!

[ryedalema]

Ummmmm - when you say 'get your shoes on', do you mean laces in bows etc or just on the right feet? Our 3.5 year old can just about do the latter - not a skerrick of a hope with the former.

She also gets to choose the shoes - so more often than not sandals when it's stair rods outside, wellies in sweltering heat (you get the jist)...and sometimes not matching too.

I think the nursery should be encouraging him if they feel it's necessary - but singling him out is way unfair in my view.

Obvious from all the posts here that he's far from unusual in shoe-eyness.

[intexasatthe moment]

Some children ,especially boys ,have a really high instep - sort of makes their foot very deep ,which can make putting shoes on difficult . ( and wellingtons practically impossible ).

[edanna]

Hi Charlotte, I would take the shoe comment with a pinch of salt because, as you know, our boys go to the same place and while mine can slip on a pair of crocs with ease he struggles to put on a proper structured shoe that you have to manipulate to get your foot into, if you know what I mean. You could buy shoes that are easier to get on? As for the morning dressing battles, a very familiar scene in our house! All in good time I hope.

Anna x

[nicolemodesti]

Maybe what you need to consider is that the nursery are also working with what your expectations are of your son not the other way around! My 2 year 4 month boy is still at the stage of being able to undress but no interest in dressing. Nowhere near putting shoes on himself although he will always put his wellies on if heading out to the back garden. At the moment on weekends he would happily stay in his pjs all weekend if given the chance! Weekdays we dress him with input from him of the next item to put on as it saves time with leaving the house at 7.15am for nursery. As a teacher of 6 year olds I constantly see children having difficulty in getting dressed again after PE. All in good time I say!!

[Belle]

intexasatthe moment Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Some children ,especially boys ,have a really high

> instep - sort of makes their foot very deep ,which

> can make putting shoes on difficult . ( and

> wellingtons practically impossible ).

That's very interesting, as my son has a v high instep according to shoe shops, and shoes are always tricky, wellies esp so.