book for someone who has suffered a bereavement?

[sophiechristophy]

Hi everyone,

A friend of a friend has just lost her father, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on books that they have found useful in the desperately sad situation of having lost a parent?

Thanks in advance for any tips. Sophie x

[Belle]

It's not about losing a parent, but I found it helpful when my dad died: A Grief Observed, C S Lewis's memoir about losing his wife. As he's such a good writer I remember he just hit the nail on the head very succinctly several times, including the observation that he'd never realised grief is so much like waiting.

That's assuming the friend is adult (or over about 15/16) -it's not a children's book.

[mima08]

So sorry to hear about your friend. TBH, I think everyone is different. Personally, I just put some "useful" books (cannot even remember their titles) straight into the bin. I remember desperately reading novels, things that were light and had some humour just to escape the sadness for a little while, whereas a friend of mine how also recently lost her dad became really interested in aspects of her dad's background - he was from Ireland and could trace his family quite far back, that kind of thing. I know this is not terribly helpful, but maybe chat to the friend to gauge how she approaches mourning?

Mx

[LuLu Too]

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion - a beautifully heartfelt book that made profound sense to me when reading it a couple of months after a sudden unexpected bereavement of an immediate family member.

Might make sense to your friend too - especially if the sad death of her dad was unexpected.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross - On Death and Dying is a classic - but might be too "scholarly" and not quite what you are after...

[buggie]

I agree with mima08 on checking if a book would be required (obv ignore this if you've been asked to suggest a book).

When I lost my dad (very suddenly 11yrs ago) I wanted to talk to my family and friends (who'd known him) and share memories, tears and laughter. Don't think a book talking about death/showing ways to grieve would have helped.

Maybe if I was having problems/struggling with feelings a few months down the line I may have looked into a book, but not in the early days/weeks, infact, I think I'd have been upset by it and felt it suggested that I wasn't grieving "correctly" (had one friend tell me I sounded too happy when I told her I'd lost my dad when actually it was the first time I'd managed to say it in one go without crumpling).

[gwod]

I agree that the bereavement books would be of little help in the early months. I couldn't read anything longer than a poem or magazine for several months after our bereavement and then looked for fiction to escape into. Eventually I did find accounts of people who had suffered losses similar to ours very helpful - just to know you are not alone. A piece of well chosen poetry was always good though, succinct and beautiful and without empathy, which was strangely helpful. I would advise reading about grief before one is bereaved, so that we can properly support our friends and know a little about the process before we are plunged into it ourselves.

As an aside, the most helpful gifts I received in the desperate early weeks were food. You can never know how relieved you are to receive a shepherds pie, when your children need tea and you cant even think about food, let alone make any. The least helpful gifts are flowers - you get too many, you have to get out and borrow vases from your neighbours, your house starts to smell like a florist, and the water all starts to turn brown.

I wish your friend strength and peace.

[vesti]

Michael Rosen - two books which he wrote after the death of his son Eddie, he also brings in the loss of his (Michael's) mother.

1.Sad Book - although intended more for children I think it is quite moving and really captures feelings, attitudes and responses to death.

2. Carrying The Elephant - poetry around the theme of loosing someone (more adult orientated).

For me the good thing about both books is they capture and convey so much whilst being funny and moving and they are both easy to read and dip in to - without feeling you are wading through a manual about death. They are very much somebody's experiences rather than "These are the stages of grief.."

I use both books with the young people I work with and they have proven themselves over and over to be helpful to people of all ages.

[sillywoman]

LuLu Too Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion - a

> beautifully heartfelt book that made profound

> sense to me when reading it a couple of months

> after a sudden unexpected bereavement of an

> immediate family member.

>

> Might make sense to your friend too - especially

> if the sad death of her dad was unexpected.

>

> Conversely I read this book not long after losing a very close friend unexpectedly; it irritated the hell out of me to the point of throwing the bloody thing across the room! I found it name-dropping, c'leb obsessed, self-absorbed twaddle & couldn't focus at all on any 'truths' it may have offered. Clearly it wasn't helpful for me! I only mention this as the other side of the coin - your friend could take it either way I guess. Like everything on here you'll probably always find someone who loved a specific book & someone who hated it (sorry).

Incidentally I loved Michael Rosen's 'Sad' book. It's aimed at kids, but it really struck a chord with me. Also I bought 'Carrying the Elephant' for the mother of my Godson when he died horribly young in a car crash, it was some months after, but she said that it helped to dip into it sometimes. Again, it's difficult to judge on behalf of someone else though, & she might have been fibbing to make me feel better!

[tiddles]

yes its awfully tricky isn't it?? When I was bereaved (for a very young child) I really would not have responded well at all to a book = this was my grief and no one was going to suggest that there was a given pattern to how this proceeded. However when the grief is part of the natural cycle of things (ie an older person who has lived a proper life) then I think I would have accepted such a book with more grace. One can feel very fragile and everything is incredibly personal/sensitive. You don't want 'your' person/loss to be lumped in with all the others that have gone before - am I making sense here? And of course, everyone reacts so very differently. Hmmm not much help but wanted to lob some personal experiences into the mix.

[sophiechristophy]

Thank you so much everyone for your insight. S xxx