The mum SXX question

[mumwho]

I?m not going to beat around the bush. Does anyone find that their XX life has gone down the sink since having kids? My partner and I have a boy and a girl (3 yrs/9 mths) and I honestly have the libido of a sloth. By the time I?m done with nursery drop offs, nappies, weaning, washing, etc etc, the last thing on my mind is IT.

I love my partner, still fancy him and he still fancies me (even if my breasts have taken the toll of 2 kids) and I would be sad if this came between us but I can?t find the energy or the mind space. We were never the 5-a-week types but at this rate, I won?t remember how to do it! So, if anyone has (honest) suggestions, please throw them in the hat.

Before someone comes out with it, yes, I did try to read Fifty Shades but unlike many it didn?t ?revolutionize? my bedroom life ? I mean, whose breath really ?hitches? at the sight of their other half! So, here I am still searching.

Thanks in advance

PS. I?m weak so had to create a new account for this.

[Otta]

We just keep telling each other we'll get it back one day...

It is very difficult though, and usually by the time the kids are finally in bed all we want to do is veg in front of the telly.

[Otta]

The rest of the family room must bebusy getting jiggy.

[Helen GV]

Why risk a third child!! ;0)

[KatsuQueen]

sex hahahha! As if...

OK, on a more serious note though, I would suspect that there are lots of us in the same boat. But, I did see something on TV (I think This Morning) about it. One tip was to decide between you and your partner - how often do you want to have sex. Once a week? Twice a week? Once every 3 months? Then if you decide once a week, make an appointment (how romantic, I know!) and cometh the time, apply yourself!!

The thinking is that a sex life (like everything else) is a habit. For many people, you kind of forget how nice it is, not just the act itself, but the intimacy etc. Another tip was to sleep naked together every night. Just so you get back to the feeling of each other's bodies...

Aagghh have posted under my normal forum name, wow I am sure I will regret this :)

[Strawbs]

Katsu I think that's a brilliant idea!

[mumwho]

Katsu, you are a whole lot braver than me! I completely believe the 'habit' theory. The more you do it, the more you want it, because yes, it is nice; damn, better than nice and once you get into it, you wonder why on earth you don't do it more often and make a mental note to 'jump him' tomorrow like you read about on the InStyle type mags (who are those women and where do they find the energy!!!!). Until tomorrow comes and I am so knackered that I couldn't care less about dinner, what we watch on telly or the state of the house. I just want to collapse on the sofa in silence.

I have even thought about going to see a doctor about the low libido but figure the answer will be, "you are tired, you have young kids, it's normal". Comforting, yes, helpful, not so much. Maybe I should take a trip to Ann Summers and the likes for inspiration. (those shops terrify the living lights out of me TBH)

Note to self - swap cotton jammies for something a little less ... Well, just less!

Thanks ladies!

[Saffron]

Some types of hormonal birth control can affect your libido, especially if it's already low. Maybe worth speaking to your GP? Non-hormonal birth control might be something to consider, like a copper "coil" IUD. When you're cycling naturally, your libido will be at its peak during your most fertile days. So if you're making a Date Night, try to calendar it for a day where you've got a fighting chance of having your libido on your side.

Lots of sympathy. I don't know any couple that hasn't been affected by this issue in one way or another! xx

[sylviamaria]

I read this article earlier this week http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/nov/10/sex-marathon-couples-revisited

I m not sure I agree with it fully, as you don't want sex to just become a chore in the relationship, but I do think it is based on the principal of making it a habit and therefore part of the routine of the relationship. I agree with all the previous posts in that it is just difficult after you have kids, but I do think it is worth making the effort once every *however often you feel you should do*.

I am not going to go into further detail, as I am posting under my actual forum name too...

[Saffron]

Is no one on the Forum an Ann Summers Party Rep? Missed business opportunity!!

[sunbob]

KatsuQueen Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Another tip was to sleep

> naked together every night. Just so you get back

> to the feeling of each other's bodies...

Ouch, just imagining the chafing. I spend approximately 1 hour out of every 3 sitting on a slightly uncomfortable fold up wooden dining chair nursing 1 year old back to sleep.

Like Katsu said, "sex, as if!"

[pommie]

dont have time for that kind of thing these days, not with a 4 year old and an 8 month old. Definitely too tired apart from once in a blue moon!

[Otta]

Sleeping naked together would be lovely...,If we even got to share a bed!

[Fuschia]

Travelodge and premier inn cheap deals can be your friend

'wink'

[canela]

mmmmm....I agree that this affects so many couples. how could it not? i think you have to find out what works for you. personally if i sat down with my partner and agreed a timetable he'd run a mile..... totally agree with finding time to just connect. i think sometimes we don't realise how little quality time we spend together, how little physical contact we have, where have the massages gone etc? also how we tend to see each other in slob-around-the-house kind of clothes. i think spend time sorting out those things first and then sex will follow.....it worked for me after a veeeeery long "dry patch". i think sometimes you also have to be honest and think about what else is getting in the way. it's a rare couple that doesn't also find they argue more after kids and there is often some resentment or anger shifting around in the sub-conscious.

[Otta]

How often do people get out without the kids?

Think in 3.5 years we've been out 4 times, for 2 hours a time MAX! Mrs Otta hopefully coming to my gig tomorrow night which I'm over the moon about, but she'll get there just in time for my set, and leave pretty much straight after.

[Pickle]

As a couple I'd say we go out together, without kids, about 2 or 3 times a year. We find it difficult, as during the week every night one of us is out (I have rehearsals on Mon and Wed, he has sports things Tues and Thurs, and occasionally Friday). Come the weekend all we want to do is sit on the sofa with a glass of wine and a takeaway.

I've just started reading 50 Shades, on the basis that everyone I know seems to have read it - having got as far as the "deflowering" chapter I can safely say its the biggest piece of bollocks I've ever read! I read earlier this week that a couple have divorced due to the book and the fact the husband wouldn't meet his wife's unrealistic demands.

We don't have space for a playroom...

[Otta]

"I read earlier this week that a couple have divorced due to the book and the fact the husband wouldn't meet his wife's unrealistic demands."

No way?!?!?!?

I know this is probably a bit nasty, but I can't help but think that people are a bit thick when I see them reading that shite!

[canela]

we don't get a lot but just this year we've started to make the break....the little one is 3 now. we do swaps with my sis over who gets all 4 kids for 24 hours, and also just started leaving them with my mum for 24 hours at a time. this is only now and again and takes a LOT of effort and logistics as neither my mum or sis live in London....but it is so worth it to be able to go out and sleep in the next morning....

[Pickle]

Hmmmm, I read it in the Daily Mail, so it must be true...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2231576/50-Shades-Divorce-Wife-inspired-erotic-book-says-husband-failed-meet-expectations.html

We had started going out a little more often before having #3, so our youngest at that time was around 3. Youngest is 10 months and we have been out a few times but I hate the thought that she might wake up and I'm not there. To be honest, these days a Saturday night sharing a bottle of wine and watching the X Factor is more enjoyable than having to go out in the cold to a restaurant/pub. I'm officially old.

[crystal7]

Ha ha pickle. I've read them all (on my kindle so no one knew!), engaging read but can't believe anyone would take it seriously?! We don't get out much as a couple. Tricky as we don't have family near by and worry kids (1 and 3) might wake up and freak out if someone unknown was there. My parents babysit when we go to stay with them so probably about 4 ish times per year. Glad it's not just us. Still breastfeeding the little one so it's always a bit of a rush to get out.

In answer to the op, I'd be happy to have the bed to ourselves without a small person in the middle kicking me in the head!

[canela]

i second that! most nights it ends up all 4 of us plus the cat!

[Princess]

Similar here. Two kids, one very nearly 3 and the other 16 months. We get out together for a couple of hours after the kids are asleep about twice a year when my mum and dad stay with us. We're way to poor to be able to afford sitters these days so that's not even an option.

For us a routine might be of some use. We're so bloomin' routine lead with everything else it might actually happen if we diarise it!

[Otta]

"In answer to the op, I'd be happy to have the bed to ourselves without a small person in the middle kicking me in the head!"

This is why I basically spend most nights in the spare room or on a matress at the end of the bed whilst the kids spread out in MY spot!

RE That 50 shades woman...

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/11/12/article-0-145A3707000005DC-285_306x423.jpg

The bloke made the right move!

[spanners45]

Hahaha, some of this stuff has made me laugh. I was talking about this with a friend just the other day. I think it is so easy to just forget; you know, one more thing on the list but it's sort of non essential so it's slipps off (in my case, that is). Last time we tried we didn't even make it to the nudy stage before child 2 started screaming in his sleep and the dog came to sleep (aka snore) in our room. Result!

We don't go out that much together although we are trying to make more of an effort in the last few weeks as my husband works stupid hours most of the time and we barely saw each other for a bit. The bbsitter thing is tricky sometimes - I actually wondered whether there was an idea in here to start an EDF bbsitter group. No idea how it works but with so many mums/dads on here, surely we would all have plenty of sitters available. On the 'date night' note - I went to this new place in Brixton last week called Wishbone in Brixton Market (same guy as The Bishop) - basically fried chicken and sides but pretty good and not too expensive. Oh, and I can vouch for the bourbon sours!