Advice :(

[Salsaboy]

Is he a politician as they lie all the time.

[Huggers]

As a student I shared a flat with a compulsive liar and was able to observe the escalating devastation he effected on the people he had relationships with.

Like a lot of compulsive liars he turned the 'trust' thing on its head and used it as a way of blaming the people who questioned him so we felt we were all going mad. I only had to live with him a short while, but one of the consequences was that we all lost our deposit through his actions.

It got worse and worse, the lengths to which he went to protect completely meaningless and pointless lies. His impulse was to lie for no apparent reason whatsover, at whatever risk, which meant truth and reality had little value to him. There was no real gain for him from lying except that it let him avoid the truth. Perhaps he felt power that we were all idiots believing him. No gain for him, but definite damage for everyone else.

But once you merge your finances with someone like that, or want to have children with them, it's a different issue. it's not that they are determined to rip you off but that their first instinct is to lie about things, even when the truth won't hurt.

My flatmate was a sociopath, charming, witty, articulate but he would rather construct a false world than make the effort of creating any kind of successful reality for himself. He ended up marrying the cousin of a friend of mine who stuck by him, and who managed to get him to confront the fact he lied...to some extent. But they lived on eggshells, the wife was continuously compromised socially and financially - and humiliated and embarassed -by untruths being uncovered and having to assume as the basis of her whole relationship with him, that she could not believe a word he said.

I myself went out with a liar for just a month, again someone who lied about everything and anything as his default mode. He really got inside my head and made me question my own judgement even in that short time because when you are a truthful person you just don't expect it and it feels shameful to accuse someone. At last I extricated myself, but even in that short time the stress was horrendous and the knock to my self confidence huge. He went on to make big messes with the family he eventually started. I feel it was a lucky lucky escape.

But you have been with this guy for a long time so perhaps you have already erected all the emotional infrastructures and compromises to protect him, because it would be too exhausting to challenge him on everything. In the end, with a liar, you have to ask, WHO is he underneath all this? or even WHERE is he under all this? and is this person able to be a grown up adult by my side in the future I envisage for myself?

.

[the-e-dealer]

Salsaboy Wrote:

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> Is he a politician as they lie all the time.

Thats a lie!

[Pinky82]

O Huggers I understand everything you've written and it's like you're writing about me. I am actually seeing a Stress Therapist to help me cope as it feels like my head will explode! My love for this man makes me try so hard but I'm now wanting a simple life with someone who says something and I can reply: ok darling! You have all helped me so so much - thank you, its great to know I'm not going outta my head xx

[Salsaboy]

Tell you what Pinky, marry me. I'm a multi multi millionaire and I've got a yacht and my own train and an airplane and I own Tesco's and I've got 29 houses on Lordship Lane.

[DJKillaQueen]

I was going to follow on from Huggers excellent post by adding that being around anyone, even in friendship, who impacts on your own mental health is too high a price to pay. We are talking specifically about a compulsive liar in this case, but the same can be said of relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, bullies.....they are all in some form abusive elements within a relationship.

I had my own experience of a relationship with an alcoholic/cokehead bully. It lasted six months (by which time I got rid) but it cost me in both personal and emotions ways, and financially too. It also impacted on my career at the time, which I think is what gave me the drive to get away from it in the end. It was only six months, but I felt the repercussions for years afterwards.

What I learned from that is that no matter how aware and strong we think we are, a wrong decision in partner can unleash the kind of chaos and devastation that Huggers illustrates. More than anything, a relationship is supposed to be two way (just like a friendship). If you have a partner that impacts on your mental health like this, how is that partner ever going to be a support to you when you need them to be? They are not.

More importantly, if children are part of your plans....what kind of parent is he going to make? There's that to think about too.

LOL Salsaboy...even I'M tempted by that offer ;)

[Huggers]

Can I add that after my brush with brief boyfriend I was so depressed and shaken to my core that I had 18 months of therapy to try and decipher why I had been preyed upon and so open to it. Much of the reason is we assume the best of people, we are decent people. I am a complete bullshit detector as a result now! and I met my nice husband very shortly after the therapy finished, as if I had suddenly made all the nice men appear- or maybe I was just seeing that they were there for the first time. I say that because its so hard when you have invested so much hope in someone and you can feel that that's all there is ever going to be.

I so feel your pain Pinky. I wonder also if there is a reason it's only now after 8 years that you are considering moving in together. Has he kept you a bit at arms length? Sometimes a distance has to be kept for these relationships to function at all and mine was long distance as were all his relationships as otherwise he would have been unmasked.

[uncleglen]

My gran always said she would rather live with a thief than a liar

[Sue]

Pinky, had you considered not seeing him for a bit to see if that brings up any other feelings for you?

[The Minkey]

Having been in relationships with 'complicated' people in the past, I'd say - not knowing you of course - that you've probably compromised the person you used to be out of existence in order to make this work for eight years. I doubt there is anything you can say or do that will change the way things are. Life is so short, get out now while you still can, while you still have some sense of self. I'm sorry to be so blunt, others have put it a lot better.

[Moos]

Salsaboy Wrote:

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> Tell you what Pinky, marry me. I'm a multi multi

> millionaire and I've got a yacht and my own train

> and an airplane and I own Tesco's and I've got 29

> houses on Lordship Lane.

Liar. No-one can afford 29 houses on Lordship Lane.

[Pinky82]

Finally did it! What a weight off my shoulders - thank you everyone x Life I'm coming to get ya :)

[Alan Medic]

Well done Pinky82.

[Voyageur]

Alan Medic Wrote:

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> Well done Pinky82.

Yes indeedy - onwards and upwards!

[DJKillaQueen]

Well done and don't look back. Go get that happy life you deserve :) xxx

[Salsaboy]

*Spruces himself up in anticipation of meeting Pinky*

[KidKruger]

How has ex taken it / responded ?

How does it feel to have made the break.

[Pinky82]

Salsaboy you made me :) - thank you

[Salsaboy]

Pinky, you're welcome. Split up with my long term girlfriend just a few weeks ago and have probably got the same thoughts as you churning round in my head.

[JohnL]

Moos Wrote:

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> Salsaboy Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Tell you what Pinky, marry me. I'm a multi

> multi

> > millionaire and I've got a yacht and my own

> train

> > and an airplane and I own Tesco's and I've got

> 29

> > houses on Lordship Lane.

>

> Liar. No-one can afford 29 houses on Lordship

> Lane.

Multiple entries in Monopoly - South London version maybe ?

[KidKruger]

Salsa - she didn't ditch you for lying again did she, and you haven't been calling/texting her mobile until she switched her phone off, then you started calling her home no but have now stopped calling ?

[Huggers]

Oh Pinky, I often wondered how it panned out. Well done- your relief is all you need to tell you you did the right thing. Good luck, pecker up and hope your self confidence builds and builds !

[Salsaboy]

*Looks from side to side in a shifty manner and shuffles feet*

No.

KidKruger Wrote:

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> Salsa - she didn't ditch you for lying again did

> she, and you haven't been calling/texting her

> mobile until she switched her phone off, then you

> started calling her home no but have now stopped

> calling ?