Does anyone else suffer from insane, irrational jealousy?

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

This is something I've suffered from most of my adult life and is getting boring now!

I know other wommen who seem to have similar personalities to me; easily fired up, strong emotions, intelligent but insanely jealous beyond reason.

What brought it home to me recently were the partner's of two of my male relative's obsessive jealousy over things I knew for a fact were not occuring! So my logic goes something like this:

They are wrong about this but are totally convinced they are right (as am I when I'm on one!) so maybe on some of the occasions when I am sure that 2 + 2 = 5, I may have been just as wrong!

Discussed this with current ex-bf, and promised him I'd try my hardest to try to logically work out that I am insane when I'm jealous, during the moment I am insane with jealousy! He was very happy about this progression and a kind of peace has decended - hopefully more than just a passing moment.

So come on counsellor Gerry - how do we go about working out we are acting nuts in the middle of acting nuts and stop ourselves going through the phone and pockets etc of our loved one?

In other words how do we learn to trust?

[Brendan]

I think the warning sign is when you find yourself thinking that it is in any way even vaguely reasonable to go through the phone or pockets of your loved ones.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Haha, I only recently realised this was not normal!

[KalamityKel]

Chav... have you ever stopped and thought WHY (whilst rumbling thru whoevers belongings) you were doing it? Like wot you were mayb "hoping" to find?

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Evidence of course!

But if there wasn't any to find, I'd just think that he'd hidden or deleted it so it was a waste of time anyway.

You get into a whole undercover detective vibe looking for evidence, whilst simultaneously driving ur partner insane.

That's why I'd like to know if this is a common thing or if insanely jealous nutters are a minority and I'd love to learn how other people manage to be in relationships without turing into Inspector Clouseau

[Brendan]

I don?t think it is that uncommon actually (but because many normal people are insanely jealous nutters). Years back, in another life, I went out with a girl who kept a daily diary. She was having some issues with me being a drunk and a layabout who worked in a bar some nights and played in a band on others and never really got out of bed before 1pm.

Anyway she started to get concerned (ie on my back) about my general layaboutedness. She would write about this in her diary and then leave it on the bedside table when she went out to work. The idea was that I was supposed to read her diary and then feel bad and sort my life out, get a real job, buy a house etc etc blah blah blah.

It never even crossed my mind to open something that was someone else?s private business.

It never crossed her mind that I wouldn?t.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Are you serious? But how did you find out what she had written in the diary that she left around for you to read?

Did you have strong feelings for her or not?

If I didn't really give a sh!t about someone, I wouldn't waste my energy snooping cos I wouldn't care what they were up to.

[barrymarshall]

My ex-missus kept a diary, at laeast when we were first going out (er, nine years ago!) but I never looked. Precisely because I loved her and trusted her, I never looked.

[snorky]

I hjave never felt that way. oddly enuogh - I may come across as a suspicious old curmudgeon, but its not actually the case that I am suspicious about everything - I am a firm believer in the school of "no such thing as a free lunch" , but not on a personal / relationhsip level

so what salacious bits of evidence have you found then Chav ?

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

None, that's what makes my behaviour even more irrational.

I remember someone who had OCD telling me that it took her two hours to go to bed because she was compelled to do stuff she didn't want to do. It's a bit like that

[????]

gender transplant

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

It's not just women who are like this tho. I was with a guy who was worse than me. In fact I wasn't even like that at the time, but he used to flip out if I took more than 5 minutes extra to go to the shop for milk or something. Do you think I may have caught it from him?

Maybe it's like a virus.

[gerry]

HI Chav

Trust is very hard to rebuild once its been broken, but if this partner has not done anything, then you might be working on stuff from your past relationships...or earlier. Usually trust or lack of trust is something we learn as kids. Can you do something to stop mistrusting??? Yes, think of your partner as innocent until proven guilty!!! Searching for evidence could uncover some pretty nasty things, then you must act on them. But relationships can still survive even after trust has been broken.

[TillieTrotter]

Edited because I exposed myself too much!

[KalamityKel]

Chav... u never answered my q... WHY would you need to look? U mention to find evidence, evidence of wot? Is it a general feeling that someone isnt being honest, u feel something fishy is going on or wot? And why would feel that way? I mean, I'm assuming ur talking generally... about ppl u first meet/go out wiv OR r u talking about long term things?

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

Kel - It happens when you get emotionally involved and feel rejected or not loved for some reason and the pain you feel becomes anger and things start to go pearshaped.

Gerry my bf did cheat on me but that was after 2 and a half years and I'd started deliberately destroying the relationship because I thought he was going to cheat on me.

In the end it got too much so he cheated to end it. But we are friends now and have managed to talk about it, which is good because it has helped me to understand how big my trust issues are. He had some trust issues too, so it was quite difficult for both of us.

I know quite a lot of women who are like this and a few men, and it's exhausting being like that. Gerry do you have any cognitive behavioural stuff to use if you already know you can be irrational in your reactions to minor triggers? Or what other useful advice can you give on this issue?

[gerry]

Hi Chav

CBT is good for insecurity, but I think is would help to think back on family and friends who have somehow broken your trust, and how that feeling has been transferred to our adult relationships. Finding the source of the problem, i.e., parents that let us down, friends who were disloyal, etc. then we can start to understand why that feeling is so deeply embedded. CBT could help if you try and see your partner as transparent, not secretive, ask him or her to be more accountable, stay in touch more often, see yourself as "secure and confident". I hope this helps.

[ChavWivaLawDegree]

I don't think it is to do with my parent's as much as it's to do with being lied to by one of my ex's. The one who was jealous with me was doing drugs on the sly and lied to me about it for quite a while until I found his syringe (I wasn't even snooping!) and stuff. That is the moment I remember doubting my judgement because I'd believed his lies and dismissed the signs as me being stupid. I was only 21 at the time and he'd been very controlling for 4 years up to that point.

The next real relationship I had was with my ex-husband and even though he was totally diferent and gave me no reason to doubt him, I never trusted him or any man since.

Damn how come I never cottoned on to the fact that this was an issue I needed to deal with before!! It seems blaringly obvious writing it down.

[LizzygotDizzy]

Yes, but look how far you've already come, you have finally admitted to yourself you have a problem, that most definitely is a step in the right direction whereas if perhaps someone had said to you a year, 2 or 3 years ago you were insecure and jealous, you prob would have told them to take a hike and been in denial, what is CBT by the way? sorry being dim :-$

[Keef]

Maybe it's a scouse thing... I'm joking, but I spent 5 years with a scouse girl who I loved very much, but looking back now, her jealousy was out of game right from the start! She would go insane even if I was chatting to another girl friend of hers, and I have a scar on my nose to prove it. The ironic thing is that I never strayed, and in the end she cheated on me. We were very young (18 - 23) and she has since said sorry for the way she was, and is now happily engaged to a guy she's been with a few years. To be honest I think she did us both a favour, but the psychological battering at the time was a nightmare!

[LizzygotDizzy]

Mind you the current trends being reported in the media on precentages of people having affairs and statistics on how many people within relationships and marriages are cheating, its no wonder people are more weary and distrustful. I'm fine and have always gone along with the treat as innocent until proven guilt or until things start getting fishy, or until there is obvious unusual/strange behaviour, generally I rely on my instincts and trust them but without necessarily overworrying about things. Its not the easiest thing in the world to hide an affair, unless you are real smart, so eventually something will rear its ugly head to alert you to the fact, er hopefully, aw bloomin'ell got me thinking now!!!! ha! There is even the internet to compete with as well and all this cr@p with cybersex and everything else to contend with! People can get extremely close speaking on the internet to eachother daily, it is that much harder now if you are insecure, but it can make you ill with worry too if you over do it especially when its unnecessary. God that sounded so much better in my head!

[gerry]

HI Lizzy

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy - using your brain to sort out your feelings, basically. the NHS is very hot on it now because it is the only therapy that has proven data to back up its results. It is very successful in treating depression and phobias, but could also help with self esteem, repeating patterns of behaviour, and PTSS (post traumatic stress syndrome)

[gerry]

repeated

[Brendan]

ChavWivaLawDegree Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Are you serious? But how did you find out what

> she had written in the diary that she left around

> for you to read?

>

> Did you have strong feelings for her or not?

>

> If I didn't really give a sh!t about someone, I

> wouldn't waste my energy snooping cos I wouldn't

> care what they were up to.

The point I think I was trying to make though is that she thought that looking at your partners personal stuff was ok/almost expected whereas it wouldn?t? even occur to me to do it. (Unless you are trying to help them overcome an addiction or something of that sort.)

So it is not just something that you do.

Although I am not a therapist so I will not try to offer any advice.

How did find out you ask?

Well it all came out in the break up fight.

She was all like, ?You?ve known how I feel for weeks!?

And I was like, ?No I haven?t and please stop shouting I have a hangover.?

And she was like, ?It was all in my diary you stupid man!?

So I was all like, ?Why would I read your diary.?

So she was like, ?You stupid man you don?t understand me. It?s over!?

And I was like, ?OK. Can I eat that bacon in the fridge before I leave??

Then she was all like, ?Fine. Just take that dam guitar with you.?

So I was like, ?Any chance of one last shag??

And then she got all like, ?No, Get out you pig!? and stuff.

And I was like, ?whatever.? and left without my breakfast.

[LizzygotDizzy]

Lol @ Brendan