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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Oh here you are! You disappear for weeks on end, ignore the birthday greetings of your chums, hurl the memory of Batdog in my face in our first discussion after your re-appearance AND claim that the procurement of a canine mop was the cause of this vile treatment. Pah!


*Stomps off to the Library to sulk*

Oh Michael darling,


Can you even begin to imagine how much havoc one small dog can visit on my minimalist yet capacious home (did I mention that it has the square footage of the new Terminal 5 at Heathrow?)?


You can call me superficial if you must, but I am a devoted mother, dog owner (ITS A DAMN LABRADOODLE AND NOT A COCKAPOO IN CASE YOU MEET ME IN THE PARK AVEC ENFANTS ET CHIEN) and wine drinker. The financial insititutions of the planet have been trundling towards hell in a handcart, so I have been a little pre-occupied. I have been missing you Michael, and to be honest, your perky yet masculine physique, ginger top and jolly japes always draw me back, try though I might to stay away, you always win me back. I simply can't stay away...(gasp)

Oh Michael dear one, you know how I find it hard to resist you. Yes I am a married lady and sex repulses me, but there is something about you I cannot resist. I am torn between an undeniable need for my husbands extensive fortune and the fact that you have knuckles like hams and bear a striking resemblance to Frank Butcher.
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Gosh! I look super fabulous from my vibratory exercises. I adore my Power Plate.


Wafts out from behind screen and marches Michael in to show him what the noise was.


"See!"


"How incredibly foul minded you are young man."


Pours out large glass of Chablis. Sits down on Power Plate, accidentally leans on "on" switch...


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OHMYGOD!!!

Dm. Your face, it looks a little different. You look very much like, what is it? Ah yes - the Mummy of Tutankhamen. Strangely shiny, emotionless and lifeless. An improvement it has to be said.


Has there been a little filler applied? Some essence of the excretions of nubile Au-pairs imbibed?


Really you are too thin, your bones are standing out - what you need is a good curry.

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