a joke

[Jah Lush]

I went to a casino last night and was stood next to a guy playing Blackjack who kept having win after win after win.

I couldn't believe his luck, then saw he was stood on what looked like a bit of bread.

I asked him, "Mate, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll."

[jimmy two times]

I like that one mate. :)) I may use that later down the pub.

[Jah Lush]

During a recent Password Audit at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin.

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "I was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital."

Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock made from Cadbury's chocolate.

She said that she prefers Terrys

[Narnia]

A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly shit out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**king menthol".

[Jah Lush]

Three blokes were in a lap dancing club watching a very busty blonde gyrating on the pole. The lad from London put ?20 on the girl's right buttock. Not to be outdone the lad from Bristol put a ?50 note on her right buttock. The guy from Glasgow walked up, swiped his Visa card down the crack of her arse and took the ?70 cashback.

[brum]

Jah Lush Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> During a recent Password Audit at the Bank Of

> Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using

> the following password:

> MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin.

> When Paddy was asked why he had such a long

> password he replied, "I was told me password had

> to be at least eight characters long and include

> one capital."

> Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!

[Jah Lush]

You like that one then?

[brum]

Hi Jah sorry I blame my blinkin I-phone - I accidentally pushed the send button when I was Reading your joke - which I did like, as it happens!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

An Arkansas trooper pulled over a pickup truck.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

[Narnia]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant...

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches..

Just send the wine back....

Tiger

[Banksy]

Fabian Capello rings Wayne Bridge at home. "Hi Wayne. John Terry's lost the England captain's armband. Can you have a look under your bed he thinks it might be there?"

Sorry! Still in shock JT got discussed on Newsnight. Sad times.

[woofmarkthedog]

Rhinestone Cowboy Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock

> made from Cadbury's chocolate.

>

> She said that she prefers Terrys

________________________________________________________

Tee hee

Like that, yeah I do

[JetSetWilly]

while 12 yr old johnny is at school his mum decides to clean his room. looking under the bed she discovers a load of bondage gear and fetish magazines. shocked she goes down stairs and shows it to her husband.

"We,re going to have to punish him" she goes,"whats best, grounding him, confiscating his laptop, no tv."

"I dont,t mind what you do" replies dad,"but for christs sake, don,t spank him".

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A man in West Virginia had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a withered bouquet of flowers in front of the car and another one behind it. Then he got back in the car and waited.

A passerby rubbernecked the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got me a flat tar."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you breaks down they says to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I

doesn't understand it neither. But, you stopped, so, I guess it works! You got a extry spar?"

[JetSetWilly]

i don,t really see what the whole fuss is about john terry. after all according to the coaching manuals, if the full back leaves a hole, its the centre-halfs job to fill it.

[saintsabrina]

What's red and fluffy? Red fluff.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was excellent.

Why did the boy fall off the swing? He was hit by a fridge.

Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!

What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket.

What's black and looks like a bucket? A red bucket's shadow.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

*sssiighhh* it's out of my system now :) http://www.postalgold.info/

[5imon]

why do monkeys always get lost?

cos jungle is massive

[5imon]

who's the coolest person in a hospital?

the ultrasound guy

the second coolest?

the hip-replacement guy

[Jah Lush]

Q: How many musos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It's a pretty obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.

[Brendan]

I wouldn't advise screwing in a lightbulb.

It's terribly cramped and full of halogens.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looked at her son and replied: 'Son, this shows friends, relatives and others that the bride is pure.'

The son nodded his head, thanked his mother and went off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad, why are wedding dresses white?' the boy asked.

The father pursed his lips, rubbed his chin and thoughtfully looked at his son, then said:

'Son, all household appliances originally came in white.'

boom boom here all week thankyou

[Jah Lush]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of

tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping

through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby.' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though.' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear.' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too.' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18', she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they.'

[Jah Lush]

Q: How do you confuse a tabloid reader?

A: Tell them an asylum seeker's killed a paedophile.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Just bought an Alexander McQueen shirt

Bit tight around the neck

But it hangs well..

Bad but also kinda funny