a joke

[Jah Lush]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes". They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

[Loz]

What do you call a woman with two c***s?

N-Dubz

[Marmora Man]

She: Is my cleavage a bit too much in this dress?

He: Do you have a hairy chest?

She: No

He: In that case your cleavage is a bit too much.

[Bluerevolution]

Dave goes to the doctors and tells him his wife is having problems when they have sex

After a series of tests, the doctor concludes his wife suffers from overheating during sex

He instructs dave, the next time they have sex to put a fan on but Dave's a skinflint so asks his mate to waft a towel

After 10 mins of sex Dave says to his mate give me the fucking towel do you want to have a go?

his mate says yes ok

after 2 or 3 minutes Dave's missus explodes all over the bed, and has the most intense ogasm ever

Dave looks at his mate and says "now that's how you waft a f****** towel"

[Jah Lush]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!

[Mick Mac]

I hope you got your secretary to type that Jah. I'd hate to think you wasted your personal time on that one.

[Jah Lush]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs, "Oh, no" he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Mick Mac]

Racist...

[Brendan]

I?d watch it Jah or he may set about you with his shillelagh.

[Alan Medic]

Mick Mac Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Racist...

Are we supposed to guess what the rest of the joke is?

[Jah Lush]

Mick Mac Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Racist

Where the fecking punchline?

[Mick Mac]

irishman walks into a bar with his nine mates.

He orders 10 pints of Guinness.

Barman asks if he would like a tray with that.

He says - do you not think I have enough to carry?

Brilliant. No?

[Jah Lush]

No.

[Mick Mac]

how rude

[Moos]

What's the best cheese to use when getting a bear down from a tree?

Camembert.

[Mick Mac]

Don't understand that one. Went whey over my head.

[Frankito]

Nice one Moos.

[Moos]

Mick Mac, don't worry - I didn't get it the first time either. Had to get my friend to rennet past me again.

[David Mc]

Somebody just called me pretentious.

I nearly choked on my organic lapsang souchong.

[Captain Scarlet]

whats the difference between an essex girl and a walrus?

one is hairy and smells of fish, the other is an equatic mammal..

[Captain Scarlet]

how do you know a blonds been using the computer...?

tippex on the screen

[Captain Scarlet]

Poor Peter Beardsley is the latest (ex-)player to be linked with a "super-injunction".

Apparently the lass he shagged 15 years ago doesn't want to be named!

[Captain Scarlet]

Whats the differance between bin laden and a boxer???...

A boxer can still get up after 12 rounds.....

[Alan Medic]

Welcome back Captain. I enjoyed the holiday.

[????]

What is the difference between Ryan Giggs and Ed Milliband ?

One is a fading left winger who has upset his brother and is having a difficult time with the press.

The other is a footballer