a joke

[Salsaboy]

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

[ratty]

Much preferred: My friend died doing something that he loved .............. Heroin

[Alex K]

Oh, all right then...

Yesterday on the way home from work I walked along St Francis Street and saw a tyke sitting on the wall around his front garden and crying as if his heart would break. After weighing the risks of being tagged as a paedo I stopped and said, What's wrong, mate? Can I help?

The laddie sobbed, "The cat ate my new trainers!" And indeed when I looked down at his feet those trainers were in a sad and toothmarked state.

Mate, I'm sorry... I said, not knowing how else to respond -- but then I thought -- A cat? Not a dog, a CAT eating trainers?

Do you know, mate, I'd like to see the cat that did that!, I said to the lad.

"He's under the car," the answer came. "He knows I hate him. He's hiding."

I knelt, and craned a glance under the car -- yes -- no, there were TWO cats! Which one, then?

A bit of here-kitty-kitty-kitty puss-puss=puss and one got up, stretched, and strolled over. Grab! I had it! And it nestled into my arms.

Back to the lad I went. But he was too griefstricken to notice me. So I had to cough and to ask --

Pardon me, boy -- is this the cat who chewed your new shoes?

***

Thank you -- you've been a wonderful audience -- I'm nothing without you -- tell your friends, I'm here all week!

[TillieTrotter]

I dreamt last night that I'd written The Lord of the Rings. My boyfriend said I'd been Tolkein in my sleep!

[Salsaboy]

@AlexK - That is the worst one ever.

[Jah Lush]

Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? Well tough shit, I've forgotten it.

[Captain Scarlet]

An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Captain Scarlet]

Superman is flying about one day straining his super senses to look for crime and those in trouble. The day seemed quiet so he decided to look in on the Justice League to see if they had anything to do.

Flying over the roof he spotted Wonder Woman. Legs akimbo, pussy on show lying there on the roof.

"I'm faster than a speeding bullet" he thought to himself "Surely I could fly down there, hit here with some super sex, cum and fly off before she even noticed". So like a blink of an eye he flew, fucked her a super speed quicker than the eye could see and was away.

Wonder Women looked up when she heard the sonic boom of him leaving. "What the hell was that".

"I haven't a clue luv" replied the Invisible Man "But my arse is bloody killing me".

[Captain Scarlet]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine Whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a Teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket Because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

Want a bed near the window?"

[Captain Scarlet]

I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag

on a train or bus and think to yourself:

?I'm going to take that.?

[jamesgreenfingers]

Never tell a joke again.

[BrandNewGuy]

Captain Scarlet Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of

> his van covered with

> hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped

> himself.

I said to the ice cream man, "I'll have a cornet, please."

He said, "Hundreds and thousands?"

And I said, "No, I'll just start with the one..."

[Loz]

That must be a Tim Vine joke.

[Alex K]

Or the transcutaneous detector of illegal stimulants to be introduced at next year's Olympics. No more complicated gas chromatography to identify traces of designer testosterone! Just press it against to the skin of the body wall, flick the switch, and wait for the red diode to start flashing -- yes, it's the flank 'roid light.

[Loz]

*tumbleweed*

[Lost Yorkshire Man]

Oh Alex - what did you just do!!!!

[Ridgley]

The Funniest Signs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYe1_RqnpVs&feature=related

[Captain Scarlet]

Little Johnny's neighbour's had a new baby boy. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the new arrival.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word 'ears' he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother replied: "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see OK?"

"Yes", the mother replied. "We are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "coz he'll be f_cked if he ever needs glasses!"

[Ridgley]

Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant Captain:))

[Captain Scarlet]

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and is served by a gorgeous Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting, and at the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no, but he he then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters, and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, then maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable," she says, her voice quavering; what number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says.

"Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you."

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[Captain Scarlet]

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..

it was a mortar attack.

The Japanese government have thanked

Britain for the rescue Dogs they sent out .

They said they were delicious!

[Captain Scarlet]

iv'e just done a treble on the gg's

sunshine 2/1

moonlight 3/1

goodtimes 2/1

they all lost. i blame it on the bookie!!!!

[Captain Scarlet]

I dunno....Am I the only one with a dark sense of humour? come on peeps post the jokes:))

[Captain Scarlet]

Hollywood gossip... Gary Glitter to star in a remake of two Schwarznegger films in one. Its called Kintergarden Predator

[Captain Scarlet]

I asked in Waterstones for a book about Schizophrenia. The assistant whispered 'they're behind you'