a joke

[Parkdrive]

Jah Lush Wrote:

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> Q: What's the capital of Greece?

> A: About ?2.50.

>

>

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>

>

> Sent by carrier pigeon.

Q. What's a Greek Urn?

A. About 75p a week.

With thanks to the late Morecmabe & Wise

Alternatively - Man goes into his doctor and says "I've broken my arm in 3 places" doctor replies "Well, don't go to those places!!" Tommy Cooper was a genius.

[fkfkdkdkd]

Having recently moved to East Dulwich, I was worried about security in the area so decided to get myself a guard dog.

What a terrible decision... the dog was HOPELESS. Let pretty much anyone walk straight into my house without so much as a bark.

Turns out it was a UK Border Colly.

[vxr8owner]

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man to have lived. He was 193 and was called Miles from Dublin.

[vxr8owner]

I shagged my best mate's wife last night & now I feel awful!

I reckon she must have had the flu or something

[vxr8owner]

Two elderly bats are hanging up side down. One says to the other, "Do you know what I fear most about old age?""No," says the other bat, "What?""Incontinence

[Captain Scarlet]

spongebob Wrote:

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> Got myself a new Jack Russel puppy today he's

> mainly black, brown with a small white patch, so

> i've called him Peckham.

Very good spongebob!!

yes I agree some people need to lighten up.

[Captain Scarlet]

>:D Captain Scarlet Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > He He i'm liking the jokes folks:)-D

>

> F@cking hilarious. If you possess less teeth than

> a Halloween pumpkin.

>

> Where are you Jah Lush? The joke thread is in

> serious need of rescue and your jokes on here were

> very good.

>:D<

[Captain Scarlet]

mickie mouse and mini mouse are in the divorce courts. "im sorry mickey" says the judge "i cannot let you divorce your wife because she has bucked teeth"

mickey looks at the judge a moment

"your honour" says mickey " i said she was f~cking goofy"

[Captain Scarlet]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for

a couple of ounds for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten ounds and asked, "If I

give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of

dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to

spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of

food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in

20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district

instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the

homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,

I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you

for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty

disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a

man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[Captain Scarlet]

Sue Wrote:

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> katie1997 Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Captain Scarlet Wrote:

> >

> --------------------------------------------------

>

> > -----

> > > He He i'm liking the jokes folks:)-D

> >

> > F@cking hilarious. If you possess less teeth

> than

> > a Halloween pumpkin.

> >

>

> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

>

> Yeh agreed, Katie 1997. F*****g pathetic.

Wait till I start posting my really good ones for you Sue

XXXXX

[Captain Scarlet]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

[Jah Lush]

Morty visits Doctor Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch".

[SilverSurfer65]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. ‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor,

SCROLL DOWN

KEEP GOING

This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ...... ....

'Your mother must have been a carrier'

[Captain Scarlet]

7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend

Beautiful

Intelligent

Gentle

Thoughtful

Innocent

Trustworthy

Sensible

...or for short...B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

[Captain Scarlet]

Had to have a mole removed from my penis at the hospital yesterday..the RSPCA let me off with a warning this time.

[AllanMcPR]

SilverSurfer65 Wrote:

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> A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took

> himself off to the doctors.

>

> 'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little

> paper bag.

>

> 'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but

> I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come

> back and see me in a couple of days.'

>

> The little paper bag felt no better when he got

> back for the results. ‘What's wrong with me?'

> asked the little paper bag.

>

> 'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the

> doctor.

>

> 'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!'

> Said the little paper bag.

>

> 'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the

> doctor.

>

> 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a

> little paper bag!'

>

> 'Well have you been sharing needles with other

> intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

>

> 'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a

> little paper bag!'

>

> 'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required

> a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

>

>

> 'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little

> paper bag!'

>

> 'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual

> relationship?'

>

> 'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm

> Just a little paper bag!'

>

> 'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the

> doctor,

>

>

>

>

> SCROLL DOWN

>

> KEEP GOING

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ......

> ....

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> And the little paper bag is so afraid to loose something good !e had for many years, and the family of the little bag aswell and all the others

who know the other side of the little paper bag not too convince for the big paper hidden behind the sream.

Quite difficult joke but lets hope some will enjoy. I don't think many users will find it very funny but some we do laugh out loud. (?)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 'Your mother must have been a carrier'

[Lost Yorkshire Man]

What have Babybel and Christmas got in common?

Little Baby Cheeses

[Salsaboy]

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My cheque to Children in Need.

[Jah Lush]

*A Cow based Economics Lesson

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you

want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

[the-e-dealer]

So wheres this Traditional Capitalism where Farmers need no subsidys and do so well?

[Jah Lush]

Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

[Jah Lush]

Good King Wenceslas phoned Dominos for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him: "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

[TwisttBllen]

There were these three guys probably from the EDF. They had been walking for 3 days and were very but very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head , and he yells "Oh Shit!"

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[Captain Scarlet]

Police in Alabama found a dead black man tied to a tree. He had 2 broken legs. 12 stab wounds and 8 bullet wounds.

The sheriff said it was the worst suicide he had ever seen.

[Jah Lush]

Unfunny racist crap.