a joke

[AllyCat]

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" says the man "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

[georgia]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only ?10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife.

He does, and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a ?20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[KalamityKel]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can

breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I

decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul

it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides

she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,

no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her

sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a

telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our

ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive

out here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that

he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send

her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you

want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here

to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read

it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull

[lozzyloz]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies, 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan .'

[LuvPeckham]

A blind man walks into a shop, picks his guide dog up and starts swinging it around his head on the end of its lead.

The Shop owner, naturally mortified rushes over and asks

"Can I help you sir"

To which the blind man replies

"No thanks, I am just looking around"

[lozzyloz]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you t**t!'

[The Goose]

georgia Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Tony Blair visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown

> around by a nurse.

>

> In one ward, one patient says to him, "My lurve is

> leek a rade rade rose..".

>

> The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit,

> cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in

> thy breastie!".

>

> Tony says to the nurse: "Is this a Psychiatric

> ward?".

>

> The nurse says: "No.. it?s the serious Burns

> unit..."

hilarious ! what goes in out in out and stinks of wee ?

Thatcher doing the hokee - kokee

[spadetownboy]

on the same subject, what soul singer takes the piss?

urethra franklin

[Keef]

Ireland suffered it's worst ever air disaster yesterday when a 2 seater plane crashed in to a cemetary.

Resuers have so far recovered 826 bodies, but the search for survivors continues!

Sorry Sean, Sorry Spadetown, sorry everyone else

[spadetownboy]

two blokes were in a gay bar having a slash, when one looks down and sees a nicotine patch on the others langer. hows the patches going he asks. oh not too bad comes the reply i,m down to two butts a day.

[SteveT]

Have you heard the miracle of aids, it turns fruits into vegetables.

[Brendan]

did I read that correctly? :-S

[SteveT]

That was written on a blackboard, above a row of urinals, in a bar in Boulder Colorado. I was apalled too and now I have reproduced it(?)(?)(?)

[SteveT]

Whats yellow and runs down drains?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A rat in oilskins

[brianb]

a man hires a chinese private investigator by the name of chen lee to watch his wife.

a few days later he gets this report. most honorable sir, you leave house, he came to

house,he and she leave house, i follow, he and she go to hotel, i climb tree and look

in window, he kiss she, she kiss he, he strip , she strip, he play with she, she play

with he, i play with me , i fall out tree, no fee ,chen lee, weely sollee

[brianb]

heather mills has been seen beach combing in arbroath

apparantly she`s hoping for a leg to turn up next

[georgia]

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Kevin says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Kev?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,'

Bruce replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Kevin said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'

[Jah Lush]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with, uh, you know, favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions," the priest replied. "If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a relief," the man said. He then added, "I have one more question."

"What is it, my son?" the priest asked.

The man answered, "She is pretty old now. Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Jah Lush]

A man bought his wife a car for her birthday. "I don't like it," she said, "I want something that goes 0-140 in three seconds."

So he bought her a set of bathroom scales and said: "STAND ON THAT YOU FAT CUNT."

[spadetownboy]

these two irish couples decide to swap partners to spice up the old sex life.

the following morning paddy wakes up stretches and turns to the partner,"jesus, that was great last night, wonder how the girls got on?"

[giggirl]

Here you go...

[lozzyloz]

An elderly couple was attending church services?

About halfway through the service, she leans over and says to her

husband,

?I just let out a silent fart - what do you think I should do??

He replies, ?Put a new battery in your hearing aid.?

[Jah Lush]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a

"handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if

he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How

much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded: "How about ?50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would

need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around

the house?"

He responded: "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied: "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the ?50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porche, it's a Lexus"

[giggirl]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STFmS2fLWRU

[SteveT]

A skeleton walks into a pub 'gimme a pint' he demands, 'and a mop'.