a joke

[Captain Scarlet]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment, and says.............

'Where's my toast ?'

[Jah Lush]

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he asked nervously.

"No, silly," she said while nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who IS he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me . . . before the surgery."

[Captain Scarlet]

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

[BrandNewGuy]

The late Clement Freud's favourite joke (best imagined with him saying it):

This is a story about a man. His wife has told him that if he ever comes home drunk she will leave him.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend is helpful.

?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.?

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains. He tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him. He shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks. ?But why have you got two ?20 notes?? she asks.

?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.?

[Ms_Lilith]

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'

'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'

'Well, can you give me a toe?'

[Captain Scarlet]

Ms_Lilith Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas

> Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked,

> 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'

> 'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic

> - I'm a chiropodist.'

> 'Well, can you give me a toe?'

Lol....Boom,boom

[Ms_Lilith]

Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.

Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.

The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop,

but they refuse.

A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he?s having trouble feeding his family.

Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.

Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to ?persuade? the friars to close.

Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.

When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.

This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars

[Tarot]

A sinner arrives in hell, and the devil shows him three rooms, and says. "You have a choice to pick one of these rooms

to stay in for all eternity.In the first room were people rolling around in blood and guts,in the second room were people slashing one another and wailing. In the third room people were up to there necks in crap and drinking cups of tea.

Well thats not too bad he said,at least they have a cup of tea. Right the devil said get in.

He gets in sips his tea, and a bell goes off, the devil shouts "tea breaks over heads down.

[Captain Scarlet]

Was asked to go and see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Police weren't too pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.

[Captain Scarlet]

I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.

[Captain Scarlet]

Man goes to the doctors with a hearing problem

Doc says "can you describe the symptoms?"

Man says " yeah, homers fat and marge has got blue hair "

[Captain Scarlet]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Jah Lush]

I got stopped by the police at one o'clock this morning. They asked me where I was going. I told him I'm going to a lecture on alcohol abuse and its affect on the human body. He asked me who gives that lecture at this time of night? I told him my wife does!

[felt-tip]

i saw three old ladies on a park bench when a man in a trench-coat stood in front of them and flashed. it was quite a shock to them - two of them had a stroke. the other one couldnt reach.

[Narnia]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

[Jah Lush]

What do you call an Irish woman with two sheets of glass on her head.........Patty O'Doors.

[Jah Lush]

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head.......wait for it...........Blenda.

[Jah Lush]

What do you get if you chop Daley Thompson in half.............Arthur Daley.

[Emerson Crane]

Ok in a stylee, what do you call a woman with a slate on her head.............all together now...............ROOF!!

[Captain Scarlet]

A Muslim fundamentalist was arrested in Wales for sheep rustling...The judge ordered him to give the sheep back.

He said he would not

They were Islams!!

[Captain Scarlet]

Actual Housing Complaints - Jun 19, 2002

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

6. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

12. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

13. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

14. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

15. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

[Tarot]

The police were called to a pub to evict adrunk from the premises for making a nuisance of himself.

They asked him what his name was, and he replied"I am yor saviour". No your not the constable replied.

Oh yes I am he says, I can prove it, come with me the publican next door will tell you.

Humouring him, they take him to the pub next door and the publican says."Jesus Christ not you again.

[ruffers]

What's worse than finding half a camel in the desert?

Finding half a camel in your back garden.

(Courtesy Rhod Gilbert BBC Wales Podcast)

[Tarot]

A new young officer is posted to the desert.

A month passed and he said to a soldier,What do you do when you want to see a young lady round here.

Well the private said,Well sir we use the camel tied up over there.

Good grief, the officers said.

Another month later, he calls the private in, and says wash,and disinfect that camel and call me when its ready.

The soldier does has he said,and calls the officer who enters the camel enclosure.

The soldier thinking he may need help walks in, to find the officer abusing the camel.

What are you doing the soldier says. You said you all use the camel the officer replied.

Yes we do the soldier replied, but only to ride into the nearest town.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

A farmer goes out to milk the cows one winter morning and finds them all frozen, stiff as boards.

He begins to tear his hair out then notices an old lady on the edge of the field. She goes up to each cow in turn, and puts her arms round it. One by one, the cows begin to graze.

"Who are you? An angel?", he asks.

"No", she says, "Thora Hird".