Would you accept a free place at a super privileged school?

[Mens]

My kids have been offered bursaries at private school (lower school). I am a teacher but this school contains some ordinary kids but mostly extremely privileged children (celebs, Arab royalty etc).

i cannot decide whether they will be okay there or whether they will get left out/picked on/bullied etc...or simply feel inadequate. The headteacher told me that there is some jealousy amongst the kids, I am not sure which age group he was referring to though.

I am trying to decide whether to put them there or leave them where they are. They are very keen to join the school but at 5 and 6 everything seems like an adventure. My friends are telling me not to miss out on the places otherwise I will regret it when the time for secondary school arrives (the bursary scheme for new teachers will end soon), however, the friends I have spoken to do not have kids.

What do you all think? What would you do???

[Monkey]

Goodness me - I would not want my daughter to mix with that crowd. Give me a south London comp over a school for uber privileged people anytime.

[Grotty]

My brother-in-law is a primary school headteacher and whenever we get in a discussion about where/what type of school to send our kids to he can't emphasise strongly enough that academia is less important in primary and the most important thing is that the kids are a) in a happy place (not sure that a headteacher talking about jealousy amongst 6 year olds is a good thing) b) the school has a mix of backgrounds c) there are at least a handful of people from a similar background so they don't get a sense of being "different" in a negative way. I think thats all pretty sensible.

[midivydale]

Mens what a tough decision! BUT a good postion to be in nontheless. Have your children visited the school? How settled are they in the school that they are currently at?

I understand your dilemma and would be thinking the same thing as you. Ultimately you want to give them the best education possible but at the same time you want them to feel belonging and togetherness, be a part of the community etc as those are vital aspects of education too.

A really tough one!

Sorry I have not been of much help so far, just wanted to say that I understand your concerns.

[womanofdulwich]

i would also think closely about location and the ease of "play dates" collection/ taxiing. How easy would it be to take darling children to someones party in a palace in regents park etc?

I think local is an important criterea .

[LondonMix]

One of my friends went to an elite private school in South America mostly filled with diplomat kids. One of her friends was the child of a school teacher there and according to my friend had a complex about it. Others didn't ostracize her but it seemed like she made a point of trying to prove she could keep up with their spending habits when she couldn't etc. This was at secondary school though. At primary school I don?t think it would be such a problem as kids are still rather oblivious to such things.

With that said, rich people aren?t aliens. Those saying they wouldn?t want their kids mixing with ?that crowd? sound just as backward as elitists who wouldn?t want their children to know anyone from a humble background. There might very well be issues (particularly if they continue on to a private secondary) but the truth is that it can only enrich you to be exposed to people of differing backgrounds to your own. If your children for any reason end up going into a profession where they have to interact with a high concentration of the ?privileged? they will certainly be less intimidated by the social aspects of the role.

Personally, I went to a very economically mixed school and have friends that are very affluent and friends that are very poor. I value that tremendously.

At the end of the day, you should make the decision based on your kids as there is no right or wrong answer. If you feel this school is better for them either because they?d thrive by being pushed more or there are more enriching extracurricular activities or it will open up more opportunities for them later on, then I would say go for it! Don?t let class intimidate you or them.

[Mens]

Thank you sooo much for your responses!!

I do think they may notice the differences less at primary and I would not keep them at that particular school for secondary (although I would consider a different indie for them and also consider state).

It's so difficult!! We live too far away for them to have playdates so that would be a factor.

They have visited the school and LOVE it! I am fine with all types of people as I had an unusual upbringing which is something I would like them to have. My worries were how they would be treated by others.

It seems like secondary would be the problem rather than the primary years.

[nymom]

I worked in an exclusive private school. The primary years are not an issue in that regard. Secondary can be an issue, but only if you let it. For me, the major factor was the proximity to my house and the playdates etc. Also, forming relationships with parents takes on a different angle if you work at the school, and that can be tricky to navigate.

If you at happy with the commute to school and the distance you may have to travel for play etc, then I would go for it. Also remember that other parents may not be as keen as you to travel for play dates so a lot will come down to you.

If th quality of education your children will receive is substantially better, then I would highly consider it. The private school I worked in had amazing art, music, theatre and physical education facilities that could not be matched by a state primary. There was a lot of emphasis on being well rounded and no emphasis on test taking which I also found as a positive.

[shaunag]

Bullying takes place in every school so I wouldn't let that put you off. I work with a guy that went to a privileged school with a bursary and he is one of. The most popular and well-liked people I know. He is not remotely up himself and has loads of good school friends. I don't think kids should be blamed for their parents income-they are just kids and if I were you I would make a decision based on what you think of the school regardless of the fees. If you go there and the kids all seem like spoilt brats then maybe it's not the place for your kids, but if they seem like a nice group of kids and you are otherwise happy with what the school has to offer over other schools I would say go for it. It's up to you to keep your kids grounded; I used to babysit some incredibly wealthy kids years ago; they had no idea of how well off they were and their behaviour reflected it. Rich kids can be great kids too. Best of luck with your choice.

[gwod]

I would think hard about having my kids at a secondary school where I was a teacher. I think that is very hard on the kids and their friendships and undermines the parent/teacher, They may like the idea now but I think home and school need to be quite separate in the teenage years... good luck with your decision...its a tricky one.

[canela]

my cousin and husband both teach at a private school. they have one son there and it doesn't seem to be a problem. it probably helps that they love the school. in fact they live in during term time. they have another son who doesn't go there yet as he is happy in his state primary school nearby so they see no need to move him.

i wouldn't make the decision based on theory but on the choice between two specific schools - which do you like best and which do you think would be best for your kids?

[Mens]

Thank you everyone!

That's an interesting way to look at it Canela. That's actually a good way to look at everything in life!

[Medusa]

In answer to the OP, no, I wouldn't.

My own children have just started secondary school after two terms at home because I turned down the school Southwark offered me and chose to home-educate until we had an option I was happy with.

The two terms they were home-educated were extremely difficult for complex reasons not relevant to this thread, and by February or so I was reconsidering the situation and wondering whether I should consider a private school. One of my children would have had a good chance of getting a music scholarship so it seemed like a real prospect.

I had never considered private education before, not only because I can't possibly afford it so would be reliant on scholarships/bursaries which, almost without exception, only partially cover the fees, but also because I am not in favour of private education anyway. I send my children to school not only for a broad academic education but also for an enduring experience of being part of a diverse community of their peers.

In my opinion, sending my children to private school would have undermined a lot of the values that are fundamental to me as a parent (and as a person generally). I have experience of both, since one of my brothers went to an elite private school while the other three of us went to local state schools; I have four children of my own, all of whom have gone to state schools. My eldest went to a secondary school in an extremely poor area and its results reflected the underprivileged background of a large section of the school community. Despite this - or rather because of the dedication of the staff and their encouragement of all students to strive to attain their potential - my daughter came out at 16 with something likw 5 A*s, 5 As and a B. My father was also a head teacher for over forty years.

Private schools have resources that state schools can only dream of. Given this, it is unsurprising that they produce good results. What they seem to achieve is two things: first, getting decent academic results in children who aren't especially bright and who benefit from the smaller class sizes and extraordinary resources available and second, creating in their students a sense of self-confidence and aspiration (or, depending on your perspective on it, a classic public school sense of airy arrogance and entitlement). A friend of mine who works at a very senior level in politics and conducts lots of interviews has described the way that public school graduates are trained to give the impression of being more clever than they really are. This *can* be seen as a good thing, of course...

I tend to think that I can't just see the choices I make as being about me and my children. Unless we all want to be Thatcherites and regard ourselves as purely individuals and not as a part of a broader society, then the choices we all make have a wide impact. Education in this country is in a complete mess, with the curriculum being blown about in the political wind. Most of the excellent teachers I have known have either left teaching or are at breaking point because of the untenable situation they find themselves in. Meanwhile the 'brain drain' that is private education continues.

As long as the most powerful and privileged people continue to hold the trump card that is public schools, it takes the pressure off the government to ensure that all children have access to excellent education in the state sector.I can't see any point in having principles if you jettison them at the point where they have personal consequences.

And yes, I know the costs; I was in the same situation that Diane Abbott found herself in, where I knew that one of my children in particular would possibly fare better in a private school for various reasons. Unlike Ms Abbott, though, the decision I arrived at was to dig my heels in and fight to get the system to change/improve enough to accommodate my (and, by implication, every) child.It's a position that is personal, political and utterly bloody-minded :)

[Jessie]

Brilliant post, Medusa. Echoing many of my own beliefs and thoughts.

[LondonMix]

Well given that the OP works for a private school....

Either way, I think paying for private school is a very different political dilemma than accepting a bursary. Bursaries open up opportunities to children and break down class-privilege.

[Medusa]

Most bursaries only cover 40% of the fees so that's not really true.

I realise that the OP works for a private school but nevertheless, I don't suppose you'd start a thread asking 'Would you..?' type questions unless you were open to a range of responses.

[Jessie]

"Well given that the OP works for a private school...."

She was asking for people's thoughts on her situation.

[LondonMix]

She was asking how people thought her children might fit in and about bullying rather than opening up a discourse on the morality of where she carries out her profession IMO but I am not going to fight the OPs battles. I just wouldn't have expressed that view on this thread.

Some bursaries aren't 100% and I am not particularly pro-private schools as such. My point was that working class people taking advantage of opportunities that they would not ordinarily have access to isn't the same dilemma as middle class people deciding whether to buy privilege.

Again, don't want to hijack this thread so if someone wants to debate the merits of private school as such, I'd suggest starting a new thread.

[Jessie]

Hmmm. From OP's first post: What do you all think? What would you do???

LondonMix - surely our own personal feelings about private education would impact the answer to the above question. But that's enough from me. Getting a bit tired of the aggression implicit in so many posts.

[LondonMix]

Okay, maybe I'm wrong. I assumed that was asking what to you think about the specific questions and dilema I have layed out in my post above rather than, what do you think about private schools in general. This felt like an advice thread IMO

[Saffron]

canela Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> i wouldn't make the decision based on theory but

> on the choice between two specific schools - which

> do you like best and which do you think would be

> best for your kids?

I think that's a very fair statement, an excellent way to look at it.

Personally, I think it's a bit unfair to tar everyone with the same brush who went to a private school. It seems as odd as stereotyping everyone who went to a state school in the same way.

If my daughter liked the private school, and I liked it, then I would accept the bursary. You can always have days out instead of playdates. Meet your children's friends in central london once a month on a Sat/Sun to go the museums, parks or cinema.

[Yak]

Hmm I went to the same private school at which my mother taught (I wasn't given a free place, but it was subsidised to a certain extent ). I didn't have a great experience - in part being due to being singled out as a teacher's daughter -BUT:

(i) that was secondary school

(ii) it was girls only

(iii) it was (mostly) run by nuns

Take away any one of those three things and I think it'd be fine.

[Townleygreen]

I taught at the same school that my 3 children attended, and it was fine. It helped that it was quite a large school so that I never had to teach a class that they were in(!) - I certainly wouldn't fancy that.

[Mens]

I appreciate everyone's comments. Food for thought. Thank you!

[Chillaxed]

As Canela and others have said, send your kids to the best school for them, irrespective of whether it's state, private or religious. I lean towards state education for a number of reasons (no least of all cost!) but if Dulwich College come a knocking and I think my lad would enjoy it, thank you very much.