The Old Fogies Thread

[HonaloochieB]

Although Ms B, I note you mention a disguise. Madam, you interest me strangely.

I shall be there as Winston Churchill, at his fattest and baldest. Having had my people do their best work.

And you?

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Ms B, may I present Mr HonaloochieB?

Ms B has an interest in millinery and anarchy. Mr HonaloochieB bemoans the loss of libertybodices.

[Brendan]

Ms B Wrote:

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Let's buy organic,

> recyclable marker pens, disguise ourselves as a

> fogey guerrilla hit squad and sub-edit East

> Dulwich.

That is quite possibly the most inspired idea since mustard on sausages.

[laineski]

I'm prepared to take a risk in the interest of reminding the younger generation what's important (correct use of the semi-colon) and myself that I'm not dead yet.

Re religious beliefs, I believe I mentioned the Archers in another thread.

I'll go as the Queen Mother. Now: hat, gloves, pearls, tooth-blacking, gin ... what else?

[Guest]

No, no, it's me really! Bizarrely, the system logged me in as someone completely different. Apologies to laineski, whoever s/he may be; no idea how I managed that.

[ianr]

I see it's happened on another thread too, Ms B.

Have you previously noticed any sign of possessing psychic talents? Any traces of ectoplasm in your vicinity?

[HonaloochieB]

ianr Wrote:

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Any traces of ectoplasm in your vicinity?

I say sir, steady on. Isn't that rather a personal queation to be asking of a lady? I'm not certain of the particular meaning of the vernacular you employ, but I've spent sufficient time in four-ale bars to have a shrewd idea to what 'ectoplasm' and 'vicinity' refer.

I'm not as green as I'm cabbage-looking you know.

I rather fear you may have mistaken this forum for one of those specialist places where people have 'encounters' with one another. An innocent mistake on your part I'm sure.

May I suggest you charge your search engine with the command 'Random Fornication', I'm sure you're needs will be met.

[ianr]

Well, Mr HonaloochieB, innocent that I am, and uncertain as to your motivation, I nevertheless followed your search suggestion; a search from which I may say I return unscathed, nonplussed and mystified.

I chose the path called Google images. The first item I met along it was a picture of Mr Osama Bin Ladn. The following ones were equally inconsequential and unedifying. I am sorely tempted to interject, in the manner of Miss Anne Josephine Robinson, "So Mr HonaloochieB, who do you think /you're/ channelling then? What astral plane are /you/ on?"

It is now nearly 24 hours since we heard from Ms B, in bizarre and alarming circumstances. Her last communication ended "This is very troubling: am beginning to doubt my own existence." And yet, at a time when there is a very real possibility that she may be the victim of a cyber-possession or cyber-abduction, you seek to divert with frippery. May I suggest, sir, that you pull yourself together and come up with something altogether more positive.

[SteveT]

I have noticed that Ms B has a kind of magnetism for gentlemen of a certain age. They seem to get very gallant whilst posting to, or about her, and then they start talking dirty:)

[HonaloochieB]

Relax. Don't. Do. It.

Edited because, Oh shut up!

[HonaloochieB]

ianr Wrote:

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> Well, Mr HonaloochieB, innocent that I am, and

> uncertain as to your motivation, I nevertheless

> followed your search suggestion; a search from

> which I may say I return unscathed, nonplussed

> and mystified.

Thank you for your reply Mr IanR, if I may address you in the upper case. I'm pleased at your lack of scathe and absence of pluss. Your mystification leaves me for want of a better word, puzzled.

But at least you came back unmolested. Clean.

I tried the same route, and was introduced to some of the rummest characters possible. Sites such as 'What About It Big Boy?', 'You Do My Wife While I Watch' 'I Do My Wife Whle You Watch' 'My Wife Does A Random Stranger While We Both Watch' 'Is There Something We Could Get Up To While My Wife Watches?'. And so it went on. Perhaps we use different search engines?

>

> I chose the path called Google images. The first

> item I met along it was a picture of Mr Osama Bin

> Ladn. The following ones were equally

> inconsequential and unedifying. I am sorely

> tempted to interject, in the manner of Miss Anne

> Josephine Robinson, "So Mr HonaloochieB, who do

> you think /you're/ channelling then? What astral

> plane are /you/ on?"

So IanR you agree with me about the connaction between Osama Bin Laden and Anne Robinson.

Let's consider the facts.

Osama Bin Laden waged war against America. He instigated a major act of terrorism against the country

Anne Robinson went over there and waged gameshow rudeness against the people. Like a c@nt.

Osama Bin Laden is a Saudi, with all that that entails.

Anne Robinson is a Scouser, and you know you've gorra laugh or else yer'll cry. With all that that entails.

Osama Biln Laden was, apparently a 'bit of a boy' in his time.

Anne would probably have 'had' him, especially in her days on the piss.

I think this proves the beyond a reasonable doubt, the link between these two enemies of society.

> It is now nearly 24 hours since we heard from Ms

> B, in bizarre and alarming circumstances. Her last

> communication ended "This is very troubling: am

> beginning to doubt my own existence." And yet, at

> a time when there is a very real possibility that

> she may be the victim of a cyber-possession or

> cyber-abduction, you seek to divert with frippery.

> May I suggest, sir, that you pull yourself

> together and come up with something altogether

> more positive.

I took your advice, pulled myself together and came up with something. Unfortunately I neglected to heed your advice about 'frippery' and now I need to take a bit of a lie down. I think perhaps it was hearing about Carole Vorderman laving Countdown that did it. For old time's sake, and all that...

[Guest]

I modestly admit to a certain psychic ability (the ectoplasm is simply a cruel rumour started by a jealous rival - the cold has completely gone now). For example, I foresaw that HonloochieB would be talking nonsense fairly soon as he had sounded almost sensible for a couple of posts.

Strangely, this seems to be turning into a virtual hybrid of the Golden Girls and Men Behaving Badly. Would like to point out that, like Miss Jean Brodie, 'I am in my prime' - just like to stay in touch with my inner fogey.

[macroban]

Scottish ladies, and ladies of Scottish descent, are always in their prime.

[HonaloochieB]

Ms B Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I modestly admit to a certain psychic ability (the

> ectoplasm is simply a cruel rumour started by a

> jealous rival - the cold has completely gone now).

> For example, I foresaw that HonloochieB would be

> talking nonsense fairly soon as he had sounded

> almost sensible for a couple of posts.

Praise be, she truly has the gift...

[HonaloochieB]

HonaloochieB Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Ms B Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > I modestly admit to a certain psychic ability

> (the

> > ectoplasm is simply a cruel rumour started by a

> > jealous rival - the cold has completely gone

> now).

> > For example, I foresaw that HonloochieB would

> be

> > talking nonsense fairly soon as he had sounded

> > almost sensible for a couple of posts.

>

> Praise be, she truly has the gift...

...burn the witch. BURN HER!!!

[Guest]

Careful, my voices might tell me where you live.

[HonaloochieB]

Perhaps your voices might be able to tell me where I might purchase a jar of Virol, Ms B?

Feeling a little run down I thought a course of the malty vitamin-rich supplement would reinstate the steam in my stride.

Marching confidently into my local pharmacist, I ordered a large jar. Confusion reigned. The assistant went into a huddle with the pharmacist who informed me that he had never heard of the preparation.

I immediately questioned his competency to practice and informed him I would be contacting the relevant authorities to ensure he was defrocked.

On the way out of the shop I noted that they sold eye make up and the like.

Make up forsooth, but no room for an invaluable patent medicine like Virol.

The world's gone mad. I don't know.

So Ms B, if the voices don't come up with anything, perhaps you might consult with your familiar?

Thanks.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Oh poor HB. Perhaps you could concoct a neatsfoot jelly from William Rose offcasts? Or console yourself with a warming Ovaltine - still available in good stores.

[HonaloochieB]

There may be wisdom in your suggestion PGC, the vitamin rich neatsfoot jelly and the malty goodness of the Ovaltine may be a substitute of sorts for Virol.

Talking about Ovaltine, was anyone an Ovaltiney? There was a song, wasn't there?

Now how did it go? I seem to remember...

#Ovaltineys we are here, to shag your women and drink your beer#

But I could be wrong.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Really, Mr HB - as the sainted Capt. W E Johns has Ginger say: "Well, stuff me with suet pudding"!

[SteveT]

Can anyone remember 'Gee's Linctus' it smells like 'bronchial drops' very good for obstinate coughs.

I bought some from brockwell pharmacy on half moon lane the other day and administered to my youngest who had a cough an 'alf. I have yet to here said cough since.

The old remedies are the best.

[Guest]

Talking of traditional remedies, I had terrible tonsilitis a few years ago which was still going after a couple of rounds of antibiotics and a friend told me to try thymol and glycerine. It's bright purple, like the purple antiseptic spray they used to use on animals (we also used it on ourselves at home), so best not used when wearing a white shirt, and you mix it with hot water and gargle. Really works.

[HonaloochieB]

Those are all well and good but nothing could beat Collis Browne's Compound.

The original formula contained a sizeable amount of morphine. This stuff put hairs on your chest.

Of course it was withdrawn after becoming fashionable with druggies.

Bloody kids.

Bloody nanny state.

[Jah Lush]

Indeed! Manys the time when I were a lad I'd sit and wait for what seemed days for the bottle's more milky and powdery substance to go to the bottom of the bottle and the morphine would rise to the top so I could slip my syringe straight in and have a cheap fix. Can't say that the grains were the finest for my veins though.

Bloody kids today they don't know what's good for 'em. I mean crack, for heaven's sake, who'd want to take any drug that was named after a piece of your arse?

[EDOldie]

Jah probably remembers the days when dentists used proper drugs to get over the pain of, eh, oh yeah, toothache. Nanny State indeed HonaloochieB