Lovely Ladies:A Question re: Your Future Husbands "ex"

[Tony.London Suburbs]

A Friend is getting married in April for the second time to a lovely Lady.As he is still friends(only)with the first wife since their Divorce 3 years ago he assumed that there would not be a problem her attending the Wedding.WRONG!

Wife-to-be says No! and thinks the first wife (who she has been civil with on the few occassions they have met) is even being disrespectful to think about coming.My friend passes on The Lady's decision to his "ex" who is now not talking to him(even though HE wants her to come).

This weekend a mutual friend of his first wife and him invited a few couples for a meal and/or drink.New wife says "Fine" and as an afterthought adds "xxxx won't be going will she?" "Er,well actually she will" (with her current Partner of 1 year).

"Then I'm NOT going says wife-to-be!" "You go on your own (to the "couples" do).Now they are not talking to each other for 3/4 days.

Is she right to refuse to have her at her Wedding,even though she accepts 100% that they are truly "just friends" and Is she right to drop out of the "do" as the 2ex2 is also attending?

Ladies what would you do and what do you think please?

[donvanvliet]

She sounds a little paranoid - but you can't blame her really.

(i'm a lady)

[buggie]

blimey that's enough to make my head spin!!

Luckily Mr Buggie doesn't have any ex-wives or is intouch with ex-girlfriends and similar is true of me... at our wedding there will be the guy I went on my first ever date with, but that was about 14yrs ago, and never really went much beyond that!

He'll be there with his wife and kids and having met him several times Mr Buggie is fine with the situation (although interestingly am sure his wife has warmed to me more since the arrival of Mr Buggie!!).

[ClareC]

Sounds like a lack of trust to me! Whether they are truly just "friends" or not, wife (to be) number two is clearly not happy with the situation. I suppose it all boils down to finding out from her exactly what the issue is......

[bignumber5]

I'm a chap, so not the target audience here, but -

No one that you've shagged at your wedding other than the person you're marrying: I assumed that rule was universal. The non-attendance of the other thing is all part of throwing a stroppy about the first. Uninvite the ex. If the ex really is a friend, she'll be ok about it.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

"Uninvite the ex. "....I assume she was never officially invited originally but,obviously,my friend had to tell her she wasn't going and she was hurt.(as she knows she is truly only friends with the Guy).

[mockney piers]

That's just ridiculous.

I'm still really good mates with loads of my friends that I made between the ages of 4 and 18 (one of them was my best man) both lads and lasses, and we've all been attending each other's wedding for nigh on 20 years now.

If the nobody-you've-shagged-rule had been applied they'd have all been about half as full.

Divorcee of 3 years ago, hmm if it's amicable then why not frankly, all wifey2 is showing is that she's insecure, though nice bit of toys out of the pram from wifey1; she should have banned wifey2 from the dinner party for real parity ;-P.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

mockney piers Wrote:

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> That's just ridiculous.

I tend to agree.

>

.. all wifey2 is showing is that

> she's insecure, though nice bit of toys out of the

> pram from wifey1; she should have banned wifey2

> from the dinner party for real parity ;-P.

To be fair I did say "This weekend a mutual friend of his first wife and him invited a few couples for a meal and/or drink"

i.e It wasn't WifeyMark1's do it was a mutual friend of her and her Former Husband.

Also my M8 is worried that this situation(with so many mutual friends over his original 10-year marriage) will occur in the future.(6)

[MadWorld74]

no ex's at weddings or 'friendly meals'. No way jose.

[Cassius]

Mmmmm - I'm not one for keeping on touch with ex's and nor is my current partner. If it's right for you then fine, but in my case it's not about lack of trust, it's about moving on - JMO.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

The farce is that my friend has done nothing wrong in any way and currently BOTH Women are not speaking to him!

[mockney piers]

Wow, moving on doesn't mean leaving your entire world in ashes behind you.

How do you (2nd person plural, how I mourn the loss of ye) plan on keeping things like old friends?!? Or am I just speaking guff again?

But that doesn't surprise me Tony, rule number one is that in trying to please everyone you please noone, but only because generally people are selfish tossers who think only of themselves.

[georgina]

As a lady in a long term relationship - I think Wife 2# is being unreasonable. I am still very good friends with ex's and would have them at my wedding (should Mr George ever ask!) and visa versa I would not have a problem with Mr George?s ex's. It seems to me that Wife 2# has an underlying insecurity, or privately is jealous/envious of Wife 1# or else she would not be behaving so irrationally.

My advise would be ask Wife 2# why she is acting this way, and for the sake of peace, do as Wife 2# asks to keep her happy, and Wife 1# will get over it eventually anyway!

[Tony.London Suburbs]

mockney piers Wrote:

But that doesn't surprise me Tony, rule number one is that in trying to please everyone you please noone..

How very very true mp!!

[georgina]

Please yourself indeed - take my advise please your lady and you will be pleased !!! :))

(Naturally I am referring to your mate!)

[HonaloochieB]

Well TLS as neither of the women are speaking to him, he'll have enough time to write a hit romcom, about a guy who wants to invite his ex wife to his wedding and ends up alienating both parties and writing a romcom about the situation.

Jacques Derrida will go nuts on it.

[candj]

TLS -

I don't think your friend's fiance is being unreasonable as it's her wedding day and if she doesn't want a certain guest then she has the right to make that decision. Yes, it sounds a bit insecure on her part but imagine how she would feel all day long if the ex was there. As cassius says, it is about moving on and closing past chapters... Despite my current husband being very open-minded, secure, etc, I'd rather see my ex-husband at the bottom of the Thames than at my wedding!

Good luck to your friend!

[HonaloochieB]

Tell him to get married in the morning, so that if it doesn't work out he won't have wasted a whole day.

[Hannah6_6]

You have to wonder why Wife #1 wants to be at the wedding in the first place. Surely she would be advocating it isn't a very good idea to marry the man?

[PeckhamRose]

Terribly sad situation.

I became friends with hubbie's ex and she helped me understand his rare low moods.

It was clear their relationship was over but that they still liked one another.

Many of my exes are friends, and now friends with hubbie too.

When I could not go on a holiday that Hubbie and my best mate wanted to go on, I said they both had my blessing to go together. That's a bit extreme for some, but you either trust your friends, or you don't. I am so sorry this has turned into a nightmare. It tends to be us women who can be our own worst enemies. And I wish it was not so. I do hope things resolve themselves because this could mean bad vibes for the future.

[pk]

mockney piers Wrote:

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> >

> If the nobody-you've-shagged-rule had been applied

> they'd have all been about half as full.

>

>

so all your mates have shagged half of there wedding guests!?!

wrt to the original question here - i think that she's well within her rights and don't even think that it shows any particular insecurity or unreasonableness on her part (i am a bloke)

[mockney piers]

pretty much, try and remember back to school, uni and early work, pretty much everyone cops off with everyone else at some point during the years between 15 and 25.

I only had one ex turn up to mine and the missus was absolutely fine about it (it had been 17 years for goodness sake).

[annaj]

TLS, regarding the original question, I think without knowing the whole situation it's impossible to say if she's being unreasonable or not. Although you're obviously close to them, there may be more to it than you know. I think the bottom line is that if it would make her uncomfortable on the day for wife number 1 to be there, for whatever reason, then she's within her rights to say so.

As for the more general question of whether it's ok to have ex's hanging around, I think different people have different boundaries (as this thread neatly demonstrates) and all that matters is that as you're comfortable as individuals and as a couple.

Lots of people, like Mockney, move in a social circle that has built over time where everyone has know each other for ages and everyone's been out with everyone. There's nothing wrong with that, if everyone's happy with it and the shared history can form extremely strong and valuable bonds.

Other people, like me, don't have that sort of social group and don't tend to keep in contact with ex-partners, for all sorts of reasons, and so don't feel especially comfortable with that set up. That's fine too.

I suppose what I'm saying is that both ways are normal and healthy and fine and everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel about it and it only causes a problem if two people in a couple feel very differently. If that's the case it's a bit tricky, but like most things in a relationship, it can probably be solved with a bit of respect, sensitivity, clear communication and compromise.

[????]

Of course she's being unreasonable, she's female!

*dons tin hat, retires to trenches*

[Tony.London Suburbs]

annaj: "I think different people have different boundaries (as this thread neatly demonstrates)

You are right and I expected a variety of responses as I could see that this situation could be viewed from many angles.

Interesting to see what others feel,as well.