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Not cheering. I'm not that vain. Frankly I'm not that worth it.

But I do allow the voices in my head degrees of applause. Hand clappping-wise that is.

On a scale of one to ten, one would be, forearms resting on thighs, with upper fingers tapping together, the sort of clapping that is actually rude. Really, better you sucked your thumbs.

Ten is arms above your head, smashing your hands together, over and over until you have no feeling left in them. A casual glance at your nails and you see they're starting to turn somewhat blue.

But you just don't care and keep clapping anyway.


For me a two and a half would be when unexpectedly, Channel Five show a good episode of 'Columbo' on a Monday afternoon off.

Especially that one with Johnny Cash, or the one where that obvious looking 'baddy smoothy bloke' drowned that woman who I think appeared on 'Moonlighting', though I could be wrong.

So you see I have high standards.

A ten applause can only be applied, if, when Mott The Hoople appear on stage on 1/10/2009 at The Hammersmith Apollo they open with the opening lines of 'American Pie' and then BLAST into 'The Golden Age Of Rock 'n' Roll'.

You can insert another ten, here of course. You'd be wrong of course.

And the volume of the smattering of 'one' would be as two shy mice exchanging wedding vows. In sign language.

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