Top Tips

[waynetta]

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbour's. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

[daizie]

Question-Are grey squirrels not just old red squirrels?

[waynetta]

That's not a tip. Please follow the rules. Top Tips only.

[waynetta]

Though it is a good top question ::o

[waynetta]

When having grandmothers or other elderly relatives cremated, always ask the undertaker for their false teeth. These make excellent pastry cutters, and the decorative crust of a pork pie can evoke many happy memories of your loved one.

[daizie]

Hahaha love it :))

[waynetta]

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

[daizie]

PIGS. Avoid having your head on a dinner table by not eating whole apples.

[waynetta]

LOL :) Like it Daizie. Back on form. (tu)

[daizie]

ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

[waynetta]

hehehe.

Don't throw out old shoelaces. Soak them in petrol, wrap them in the lard you normally carry around in your pocket (see above) and put in the fridge overnight. Take them out the next morning and Hey Presto ! Edible candles.

[daizie]

Pub landlords - convince your customers that you aren't an alcoholic by walking round with a mug of coffee for the first twenty minutes after opening.

[waynetta]

Fellas. Whenever you visit a pub with a male friend, wear a passport sized photograph of your wife, cut into the shape of a heart, on your lapel in order to dispel any rumours that you might be homosexual.

[daizie]

SAVE MONEY on expensive hole punches by goading a Great Dane into snapping at you while you slip the appropriate documents between its foaming canines. It may help to make a pencil mark halfway along the edge, and try to line this up with the cleft in the dog's top lip.

[karter]

top tip- print out this 'Waynetta & Daizie' thread and sell it to a good publisher...:)-D

[waynetta]

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply give them real meat. As they're always going on about how TVP soya and nut cutlets are "indistinguishable from real meat nowadays" they won't notice the difference.

[felt-tip]

Life getting you down? Work, kids, chores and the massive pressure you put yourself under to be the best parent ever getting you down? Cheer up. You live in East Dulwich you lucky sod.

[waynetta]

Not a Top Tip Felt Tip (td)

[felt-tip]

I quit.

[waynetta]

Every day make a list of everything you do, and hand it in at your local police station. That way you can be eliminated from their enquiries in the event of a crime.

[daizie]

ORDINARY people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.

[????]

Royalty...live like the other half, swap your various palaces for my terrace house

[waynetta]

Hold an impromptu reunion of all your relatives, most of whom you haven't seen for years by simply winning the lottery. Hey Presto! Just watch the freeloading fukkers turn up by the car load, all wanting a slice of the action.

[Tarot]

Now is a good time to collect seeds from your favourite plants.

[waynetta]

Drivers with bad backs: Make your own orthopaedic car seat cover by threading conkers onto a string vest