Top Tips

[waynetta]

GIVE your house that 'City centre car park' feel by putting 'P' and 'NO SPACES' signs on the front door, and inviting tramps to urinate down your stairs.

[daizie]

TRICK neighbours into thinking it's been really windy during the night by

sneaking out at 4am and pushing their wheelie bin over.

[waynetta]

GET away with being a Klu Klux Klan member in Peckham by only going out on Halloween and pretending to be a spook.

[daizie]

Ha ha :))

[waynetta]

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

[daizie]

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage

[waynetta]

ALWAYS Go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you will also be getting paid for it.

[daizie]

Don't discard used banana skins.. . .They make ideal sun hats for starfish.

[waynetta]

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

[daizie]

TRICK old people into thinking they are haunted by the ghost of Thora Hird by turning their stairlift on and hiding

[waynetta]

DEAF PEOPLE Prevent people eavesdropping on your conversations by wearing oven gloves.

[daizie]

INCREASE your penis size by simply watching some porn

[waynetta]

DECREASE your penis size by watching porn featuring Thora Hird.

[waynetta]

A SIMPLE drinking straw, cut into small lengths will make sufficient batons for up to six rodent display teams. Alternatively one straw makes a first class 'pole' for rodent pole vaulters.

[daizie]

LADIES, save money on sexy lace underwear by stapling paper doilies to your usual underwear

[Narnia]

LADIES, increase your perceived intelligence by not posting on internet forums in copycat fashion.

[waynetta]

FELLAS on internet forums. Make yourself more attractive to women by getting a life.

[felt-tip]

FORUM USERS. decrease stress levels by reminding yourself you are posting on an internet forum and are probably a loser like everyone else.

[Narnia]

LOSERS, if you haven't got a forum, find one.

[waynetta]

SAVE electricity on freezing winter nights by unplugging your fridge and placing the contents on your doorstep.

[daizie]

A HAIRLESS cat is an ideal pet for an asthmatic nudist

[waynetta]

WHEN tickling a friend try saying "tickie-tickie! Tickie-tickie!" as this guarantees 37% more laughter than the standard silent tickling.

[waynetta]

WHEN cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it all in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.

[daizie]

CONVINCE PEOPLE you're a worm by chopping yourself in half and carrying on as normal.

[waynetta]

....and having sex with yourself